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Boyfriend miserable...struggling to be supportive
18/f
So my boyfriend is being very miserable lately. Some of his pets died in separate incidents which got him down.
Then he found out his dad could be closer to death than he thought (he has cancer and has had for a while-the dad)
I keep offering to go out, and to take his mind of things. I've taken him to the cinema, for meals and days out and been available to chat to all the time.
However, selfish though it may sound, his miserableness is rubbing off on my own wellbeing. Its just one thing after another. Like anything I say or text to try and provide reassurance its like "ok thanks. I'm also worried about something else :( "
Everyday there's a new problem. I was doubting the relationship before. But I want to be there for him during this difficult time. Its just call me selfish but I'm getting hardly anything out of this relationship anymore and can't deal with all his problems.
What would be the best thing to do? (He's 19)
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Well, for one thing, he is grieving with the loss of pets and possible loss soon of dad. While grieving, people are very likely to not be themselves. However they are also very susceptible at this time to become depressed. Being that you're with him a lot, you will be better able to tell if he is depressed compared to his normal self.
Some people describe depression as “living in a black hole or vacumn” or having a feeling of impending doom. However, some depressed people don't feel sad at all—they may feel lifeless, empty, and apathetic, just not care about anything, nothing is interesting to them anymore and they choose to do nothing at all.
Whatever the symptoms, depression is different from normal sadness in that it engulfs your day-to-day life, interfering with your ability to work, study, eat, sleep, and have fun. The feelings of helplessness, hopelessness, and worthlessness are overpowering.
Since he has already lost pets, a good book on how to process through grief would be the best gesture right now. Someone loaned me a copy of the book "Good Grief" when I lost my mom. It's sage advice applies no matter what the loss, pets, job, loss of friend, or family member. There are certain important stages a person must go through, you can't skip or avoid them and all of them are natural and happen in the order the books chapters list them. I can attest to that. Here's a link to check out the book and its author, read the preview. If you wish to get it and dont want to order through somewhere on line, go to your local bookstore. If they dont have it, they can order it for you if they have the name and author. that would be a good place to start. He can use it now and then again if or when he loses his dad.
You are not going to get what you usually get out of the relationship while he's going through this.
In any couple relationship, there will be times when one is weaker than the other depending on what they are battling, a simple flu, an injury they are recovering from, loss of job/search for another and budget tightness, and thats when they need their partner to be strong and hang in there for them. It takes a special true depth of love to be able to love and be supportive of a partner who is unable at the time to give anything in return to you. In life, there will come a time when its your turn to suffer and you will require a loving supportive partner who is there for you even though you are unable to be there for him.
It's natural to have those selfish feelings even if we really love someone. It's what we do despite those feelings that count. During this time, take time to splurge on yourself, doing special things for yourself, just you, not with him. Do things that will make you feel good, feel better, pampering stuff even...like if you can afford it, get a professional manicure, pedicure done, a massage, treat yourself to a new outfit even if it has to be 2nd hand but still new to your wardrobe...etc. Do whatever puts you in 'happy feel good' mode, play your favorite music that uplifts you, singing along with it will help you feel better, watch some comedy cus laughter is terrific feel good medicine, do something that involves movement like dancing, jogging, exercise.
And once you feel back to your normal self, suggest some of these things to him because all of them are ways to get over depression that comes from a life experience such as his. You repeat and do these things whenever lifes stress brings your natural occurring 'feel good hormone' levels down in your body. He's going to need this even more than you.
One last thing, at some point in time, he is going to have to face and deal with what is bothering him. Buying him and giving him the book is one thing but he has to pick it up and read it. Telling him what helps you with stress is not going to help him unless he deals with it by putting the same techniques into practice too.
My daughter got those techniques straight from a psychologist she went to after a bad break up with boyfriend. Her depression lasted at least 6 months and she ended up losing tons of weight looking anorexic. It worked for her. I already knew of and was using these myself...found the info online. It really works, hugging is also a great therapy, the long hard bears hugs tho but not everyone is open to that. Good luck dear. He's lucky to have you.
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