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humorist-workshop
How do i stop ruining my own life?
the older i get, the more self destructive i get. it hasn't led to drugs or anything, but the older i get the terrible at attendance i am. i only had perfect attendance in certain years of elementary school. the idea of missing class wouldn't have even crossed my mind, then. now that im in college i guess im stuck in this rut and spend days not talking to other people face to face. i go online but im not having serious convos with anyone about my life. my phone has been off for nearly a month now and when i turn it on the only people i'll call, and who will call me, are immediate family members. im tired of being depressed over dumb teenage problems like not having friends and stuff cause i want to be fine with solitude. but nothing i do ends up working for me and i end up digging myselff deeper and deeper into a hole of my own creation. sure, a few things aren't my fault, but i feel most are, cause they are. i know i should be grateful and etc but no motivation i give myself works when i actually have lofty, but attainable career dreams. i sometimes just wish i was a robot so i'd never make mistakes even if it meant i could never experience love cause even when my parents say they love me i do feel obligated to do well cause of them but like.. i also feel obligated to myself to do well and i clearly suck at that. i just need to form new, good habits and stick to them. but its hard now in college with nobody telling me what to do or calling home if i skip class or something. my self discipline is terrible. i hate even talking about this here. ive had these problems since at least.. 7th grade but they just got worse and worse each year. "im lazy" is the answer but at the same time, when i complete an assignment it ends up being one of the best in the class, because i go overboard. i was that kid that would always go to the extreme with essays and school projects. but i wish i wasn't like that.. and just was more consistent as a student. i have all this spare time and i spend it online cause i've just trained myself my whole life. it's an escape from my problems but its not really an escape. it's the root of them. i guess i sometimes wish i had an assistant or something, to help motivate me everyday. i guess that's what a friend is idk anyone who would even want to spend time with me everyday. i would do the same for someone else, like keep track of their stuff and hold them accountable.. i once had a roommate and she never even questioned things, like why one period of days i'd just stay in our room and she'd always be going to class. im a newly adult but i still feel childish. when i was 12 i was more mature about school. i still like to learn and i actually am my most productive during class, but after class, after im out of that supervision, im a mess. im just wondering how adults with jobs, kids, etc. keep themselves together when im struggling with just school. i dont even have to balance that with a job and i know people who get as juggling 2-3 jobs. internet savvyness has given me a certain kind of knowledge but one that's not really helped me in school, to be honest. how do i draw back the time? cause if people can juggle so much and still get as at top schools even, and im not even at a top school, then i should be able to get stuff done. despite my problems ive always been a good kid.. and while i've thought about suicide i know how pathetic it would be since i could still improve my situation and my family doesn't deserve it. i've never done drugs and dont even want to try, especially not in my current state. i dont want to be a failure. my parents are putting a lot on me cause i have an sibling who is mentally ill and a younger one still in elementary school, so they expect success from me. but they know i've even had problems as a teenager. they know a good degree of my problems. like i wish i was like hermione from harry potter with her diligence and intelligence. i just really hate myself right now and would like some helpful, but positive feedback. like please don't be harsh cause im already my harshest critic. some people say they've gotten bs and cs like its fine but every grade i've gotten under an a has bothered me. sometimes even getting one mark off something bothers me, so naturally im never satisfied with myself and constantly ruin my chances at doing things to make me happy just because my childhood and teenage years weren't what they were "supposed to be like" and were really insular
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It sounds like you may have obsessive compulsive disorder. The reason I say that is that often people with ocd often have parts of their lives in total disarray. The aspects of your life that aren't micro managed totally fall apart. I'd suggest reading a bit about ocd and to see if it sounds similar to how things are for you.
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