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My insecurities and social anxiety is taking over my life
Let me start off by saying that I am an 18 year old female, 5'4", and I weigh around 100 pounds. I wear a size 32AA bra, size 00-0 in jeans, and an XS-S in tops. I first started becoming insecure about myself and my body in my junior year of high school, but currently it's just at it's all time worst. I'm currently a freshman in college by the way. First off, I have extremely long and twig-like arms. I just feel so uncomfortable in my skin that I hate being in public. I feel like I look strange or awkward with whatever I'm doing or with whatever position I'm in because of my abnormal long arms. I could just be walking, sitting down, doing other normal things and all I can think about is my arms. I feel like there are only certain positions where I can sit or stand so that I don't look weird. Second, I hate being skinny. It seems that everywhere in society, there's a large emphasis on curves, or that being skinny is ugly/gross. I'm 18 and I have no butt, breasts, hips; I look like a stick. Society has really affected me and I always feel bad about myself. What I think about probably every minute of the day, is my body. I am a big advocate for "everyone/every shape and size is beautiful," and I also don't point out people's "flaws," but rather I look at the positive aspects. I'm a hypocrite because I see beauty in everything but myself. I just think why couldn't I have turned out normal? Not necessarily have big breasts or a big butt or be what is considered "perfect" by society, but why couldn't I have been born with "normal" length arms or a "normal" body? It just really bothers me when people always have something bad to say. I know I shouldn't care and that EVERYONE isn't negative, but the "standards" of society are really influencing me and it's wrecking my life. Even if nothing bad is directly said about or to me, it still makes me feel bad. I don't even want to imagine what has been said about me and my body behind my back. The point where my insecurity started getting really bad was in the beginning of second semester in my senior year of high school. I was on the homecoming court and of course, the girls wore dresses and walked out while the announcer gave that little spiel about each candidate. I remember my friend saying how someone said "Ew, you can see her shoulders/scapulas protruding." I just kind of shrugged that off, but ever since then, my self esteem has gotten worse and worse. The other day, my friends and I were watching a video on Youtube, and one of my friends was like "Ew, she is so nastily skinny." And then today in my dance class, we watched a dance video. The female dancers were thin (but obviously strong), and in my mind I was thinking, "I hope no one is saying/thinking anything bad about their weight." Then as I was walking out of class, I heard someone say "It's like none of them have ever been to McDonald's." That made me angry, and then I started feeling depressed about my body. Other things that get to me are when people are like "that girl has no butt" or "this girl is too skinny." I'm 18 and it's like I haven't gone through puberty. I can eat anything but I don't seem to gain weight. I'm really pessimistic because I feel like my situation is hopeless. People say if you don't like something, you should change it. But I can't chop off some of my arms to make them shorter. And it just seems like this is the body type that I will have for the rest of my life. I look in the mirror and see my bony body, I see my twiggy arms and legs, I see my scapulas sticking out, my "pancake butt," and my flat chest. I feel ugly and inferior. This is the extent of the influence that society has had on my life. My insecurity ties into my social anxiety. I hate being in public cause I'm always afraid someone is going to judge me and say something bad about me. One particular instance is having to walk to the front of the classroom or be in front of people. I dread it so much and would much rather avoid it. I don't like the feeling of eyes all over me, judging me and/or my body. I feel like this is what everyone does, and this is why I hate being in public. Another example of my social anxiety is that I feel like I'm inadequate at doing even the most simple things; I feel like I can't function properly in society and that my attempts are pathetic. It's probably just me being hard on myself, but a lot of the things I do, I reflect on it and become too critical of myself. I look back and become embarrassed and think, "Why did I do/say that?" or "Why didn't I do/say that?" It makes me upset thinking how my insecurities and social anxiety is taking over my life. It's literally all I think about all day and everyday. I look at other girls and I become envious of their bodies, or their confidence and how they're comfortable in their own skin. Then I look at myself and I automatically deem myself as inferior to everyone else. I also feel that everyone looks at me and thinks they're superior. Every little thing gets to me and I care way too much about what others are thinking of me. All of the things I feel are most likely not overtly noticeable in public, but in reality, I'm struggling on the inside. Sorry that this was so long, but I really need some advice on how to cope and get through this.
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I have long arms too. My long arms were a benefit when I was in the Air Force as an aircraft mechanic. My job had me repairing flight controls which included the throttles and the linkage.
When I first walked in to the shop I was assigned to the NCOIC took one look at me and grabbed a tape measure and measured my reach. He then said thank you lord. I of course was greatly confused until he took me out to a B52 and showed me why. Because of my extend reach I was able to access the throttle linkage from an access below the quadrant. Because of this I was able to repair the linkage and change brake pads without having to tear up have the flight deck. So you see having long arms can be a benefit. He almost cried when I was transferred to another base.
One thing you said caught my attention. "It is almost like I haven't gone though puberty." While Puberty can last in to your mid twenties; you may not be far of the mark with what you feel.
For one thing depending on your frame size you are anywhere from 14 lbs. to as much as 51 lbs. under weight which I believe you are aware of. Being under weight will stunt puberty. Olympic athletes have their puberty stunted while they are in training because of all the exercising they do.
The body need a certain amount of calories and body fat to function properly. You are underweight so you body is probably not getting enough of what it needs to function. When this happens the body shuts down those things it can not support. As is seen in Olympic athletes puberty is one of those functions it shuts down as the body sees it as the least need function. If more is needed then the body will shut down other functions.
What I suggest is a visit to your doctor. A simple blood test will tell the doctor if the hormones normally secreted during puberty are in play within your body and at the proper levels. If your doctor feels you are not grossly under weight the and your hormone levels are low they can be augmented or replaced synthetically with pills.
You should also ask you doctor for a thyroid scan. Being underweight may be the result of Hyper or hypothyroidism.
These test are not done as part of a normal physical as they are expensive tests and the doctor needs to support the reason for them with a complaint by the patient. You have good reason to ask for these test. If any of the test come back as being deficient or abnormal. The usual fix is medication.
If my uneducated non doctor guess is on target once properly medicated you should see positive changes in you body and figure. Most importantly it is not your body or figure that makes you who you are. Beauty is only skin deep and while you may think that is just a saying you would be very, very wrong.
Outer beauty is just the gift wrapping on the box. You have to open the box, tear of the wrapping to find out what is in the box to truly know what that gift is. It is the same with people.
From what you have written I can tell under your wrapping you are a kind and sensitive person. Someone who will make a wonderful life companion, wife and mother. I've been doing this for a long time and there is a lot than can be learned about a person from how they write.
Hang in there and go see a doctor. Find out if you are in a sense puberty anemic. IF so that can be dealt with just as a thyroid problem can.
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