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Relationship problems
19/f
Me and my boyfriend were having some problems, we broke up last month and have gotten back together and talked through all of the problems.
It was mostly about him not being able to care for me when I was going through a hard time and said he didn't want to try.
I'm very on edge about drugs and alcohol. Before we dated (We've been together for 2 years) he did smoke weed. But he had stopped and after that we eventually got together and he wasn't doing it. Not that I have a problem with other people doing it but I just personally don't want it around me and I don't date people who do. He is a great guy, with the exception of how he treated me this past couple months. He smoked again after we were dating, he told me about it and felt really bad. I thought it was a one time thing so I didn't get mad or anything, but it did end up happening a couple times after as well.
Today I was sitting in his room while he was outside doing some work and he got a text on his phone. I went to open it to tell him who it was through the window but the messages were about how he was on acid a few weeks ago.
I'm not ok with it at all. I told him I saw it and he said I shouldn't have been looking through his phone but I told him it was completely innocent, I didn't go snooping or anything. So then he said, "Ok. Well sorry." and walked out.
I haven't gotten mad, but I don't know how to handle this the right way.
I know a lot of people are ok with their partner smoking but there has been so many bad things happen in my family that I can't bring myself to let it into my life or my future.
I'm sure when we talk about it he's going to tell me it will never happen again. Also, this happened while we were broken up. So should I be ok with it and just let it go?
Like I said, I don't date guys who do that and lie to me about it. He always would tell me so I guess he didn't tell me because he promised me he'd never do acid.
I feel like things were getting better for us but this just brought me back down. I'm just hurt from him not telling me about it but I feel like I shouldn't be since we weren't officially together during that time. We were talking but we weren't together so I don't feel like I have a right to feel the way I do about this.
My questions are, how do I handle this the right way? When we talk, what should I say to him? Should this be a deal breaker because of my values? I truly don't want this relationship to end because of how much work we've been putting into it and I do love him. Everybody does make mistakes but if you all think it'd be a good idea, I'll sit down and have a talk with myself.
Sorry that this was long. Thank you so much.
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Is this a dealbreaker?
You keep saying it is, but you are still with him. Which means he expects he can continue doing this and only has to suffer through you being upset for a while afterwards.
You and he think differently about this. He doesn't see a problem with smoking weed, or dropping acid as much of a problem. Ignoring the legality of these actions for a moment - his opinion is as valid as yours is. In fact, when it comes to what he puts inside his own body, his opinion is more valid than yours.
Right now, you and he have established a pattern where he says he wont do something that you don't like, goes ahead and does what he wants anyways, you get upset for a while and eventually talk yourself into 'forgiving' him for some reason or another.
That is exactly what is happening, over and over.
Only you can decide if this really is a deal breaker, but look at your behaviour right now: You aren't acting like this a deal breaker.
If this isn't a deal breaker for you, maybe you should stop asking him to make you promises you know he is unlikely to keep, and instead really ask him what his opinions are on drugs, and where he will draw the line with drug use. It's nice of you to convince yourself that 'everyone makes mistakes' but it doesn't even sound like your boyfriend thinks he made a mistake. His behaviour would suggest that he just thinks causal drug use is fine. If you approach these talks as a chance to actually find out what he thinks, rather than trying to make him give in to your way of thinking (when you know he'll just lie, and agree with you) you'll actually know what he thinks is okay and acceptable. Then, when you actually know what he thinks, you can make choices about the relationship that are about shared values, not about ultimatums and lies.
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