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daddy issues that have damaged me. sorry for the length
I am 20/f and am a child of divorced parents, which took place when I was 12. Growing up before that, my parents did not get along for as long as i can remember. my dad wasn't around as much as my mother and did not help out as much as her to my sister and I. I know he cared for me and loved me, but I never really felt a true security feeling towards him. My parents would argue and my mom would scream at my dad often, while I was left to sit and listen from my room, I still remember it perfectly. After the divorce, I didnt feel too effected by it and in my head i was relieved to not have to listen to them arguing everyday. But recently, I have realized how much damage it has truly done to me. Throughout my high school years, I gradually became very promiscuous and by the end of high school was known as one of the school's biggest sluts. I am of course very ashamed to admit this, but it was true. I almost felt like I had an addiction to male attention, and still somewhat feel this way. I mostly was the way i was because I wanted someone to care for me and love me, but something always went wrong and they would stop talking to me. it lowered my self esteem tremendously and made me feel worthless. it was a vicious cycle that i never seemed to learn from. I recently just got out of my first relationship which lasted for a year and a half. it was not a healthy relationship. He would verbally abuse me and made me cry excessively, and would even push me into things every now and then or push my head back. but i always dealt with it because i was so desperate for male attention and just wanted to feel loved by a man. its weird because i do have a dad, and he does love me and lives 5 minutes away but..I never make that much of an effort to see him. it saddens me deeply to be with him because he always brings up the divorce and seems very sad..it has been 9 years. and it will never fully be resolved because my mom and sister despise him. my sister has not talked to my father in 4 years. and my mother wants nothing to do with him. i always feel like i am in the middle and no one understands how much pressure it causes me. my father also got parkinson's disease after the divorce, which is also extremely difficult to watch and makes me want to burst into tears. sometimes he cant even talk clearly and i dont understand what he is saying, it is awful. i feel like i dont fully have a father anymore and that he's been missing since i was 12. i feel as if i will never be able to be okay on my own without male attention. to this day i constantly am seeking out attention from men. during my relationship i promised myself i had changed and i would never stoop to this level again, but i have..and for some reason, i dont mind it that much. well, i do mind it..but i feel like it is the one thing that i enjoy doing and it makes me feel beautiful. i do not necisarily enjoy the sexual acts, but overall i just enjoy receiving the attention. when men don't notice me, i feel worthless and unattractive. ive been told by many people that i am a beautiful girl, and sometimes i believe it, but overall i dont. i wish i could see my beauty like others do.i just want someone to be there for me and understand me and want to take care of me and love me. i feel so empty and dont know if i will ever feel secure and content.
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I do understand what you have written. As strange as this may seem to you; while what you have written about what you have put yourself through and how you feel about yourself, this is somewhat of a normal reaction. Many children of divorced families have gone through what you have and are going through.
In your case you want to feel a male in your life at all cost. There are I believe certain types of men who sense this. These are the types of men you have been attracting and have been abused by. This is wrong and you can do better. Underneath all the misery you have had to put up with I sense a loving, caring woman.
You need to break this cycle you find yourself in. You do know the why of it which makes for a good start. What you need now is someone to help you break this cycle. This requires the help of a professional, a clinical psychologist. No your not crazy, your just to close to the trees to see the forest and need some one to help guide you to the right path. Someone to unburden yourself to with the knowledge that nothing you say goes beyond the four walls of the room you say it in.
IF you are open and direct in therapy sessions with the psychologist they will help you find the right path to a better place in life for you. You do the work, they only guide you and give you the support you are looking for as you work through these problems.
Your EAP program at work will help you find a psychologist and pay for the first sessions. How many depends on the program your employer has. If you are in college the school will have psychologists you can visit with.
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