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Declinng 'rate' of self-esteem.
17/F.
It's my first time here asking a question here, so do pardon me if it's too long. Truthfully, i'm in a state of severe depression. I've already come to the point where i'm starting to lose myself drastically, in and out. My self-esteem has reached 1/10 let alone self-confidence and i'm not getting any happier with my life. I feel very, very worthless but i won't commit suicide anyway. I still believe that i've a mission to fulfill.
The thing is, i'm giving up day by day. My grades were very bad last year and certain tragedies took place which somehow affected the way i think of myself. I'm supposed to sit for my major examination this November, and my goal is to achieve 9A+s so i can further my studies in a medical university but i just can't do it. I don't believe i can achieve that kind of success anymore. I'm beginning to feel as if everything's impossible. I'm the only child in my family, and there's pressure on me too but not by my parents, it's just me.
I used to be 'successful'. I was a great athlete, i participated in a lot of competitions and used to be the top student until the end of last year came. I no longer participate in anything. I'm becoming more quiet and isolate myself because of inferiority complex and took a long, hard time moving on after i broke up with an ex (but i'm getting better and more independent), and i had issues with studying. I didn't really understand the subjects and i didn't know it would affect me so bad. I'm in the middle class family, which means i've no reason to fail and now's already 28th February. Only 8 months to go before the exam starts and yes, i feel like''I didn't even pass the subjects and now i expect myself to be successful ? Heck no it'll never work i'll just end up being an idiot.'' My circle of friends are getting smaller, but fortunately the ones i have now are great and nice ones although, i never believe i can fit in with them. I still miss my old friends who i'd text a lot everyday, the happy times, but yeah, they've changed and maybe i lost them.
The other sad thing is, i used to be someone who would motivate people regardless how young or old they are. I held on to the belief that i can do anything and i'll never give up at all and everyone should feel the same way, and i did believe that obstacles are natural and i could overcome them but now, i'm inverse to those. I'm the one who's extremely demotivated and i feel as if the burden on me is something so, so painful. I never did cry, but now, tears are just as common. Laughter is far away, i might look jubilant when i'm with people but when i'm alone, the frowning expression takes place everyday. I don't have the interest in doing homework which i used to love so much because of the fact that i'm stupid in knowledge.
I do need help on how to stand up again. At the same time, i'm reading motivational books but it's hard when it's me being the one who's out of self-belief. Please, help me. My strength is depleting.
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Have you considered talking to a therapist or getting on medication? I am NOT a medical professional but it sounds to me like you are exhibiting some signs of depression.
You are going through the stuff a lot of people your age are -- you've been told you are spectacular your whole life, and when you start to have problems, you don't know how to deal with them. Here's my advice (aside from the above): don't worry so much about what you're going to do or where you're going to go. Take some time to really, really, really honestly think about what you truly love to do and what you want to do. Then go towards that. And what you honestly want to do, not what someone else wants you to do.
Life is full of fun, exciting things. Find them, enjoy them. That's all there is to it (and I say this as a person with a severe anxiety disorder & depression myself).
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