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Sharing whole truths about a traumatic past situation
Hi, Thank you ever so much for the time, effort, thoughts & advice in your reply to the above question. I have already taken the time to talk to my partner. Strangely all the things I was worried about saying & asking him I had previously gone over. He said that I did expand a little on one part. I did feel better & he seemed to understand my need to get it off my chest again.
Unfortunately, as much as I tried to divulge everything I still found myself unable to say (admit to) one part - the main part:-( I woke up this morning with a knot in my throat. My body was uncomfortable & I started feeling sick again. As if I have to just blurt it out or vomit it out no matter the possible consequences. Sorry for the graphics.
Would it seem strange to you, if I was to expand more on the subject or blurt it out, like I suddenly remembered even after the chat he & I had last night? Take care
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Hi there,
In a word, no, I would not feel weird if you just blurted it out. What you just wrote here, and told to me is exactly what you should probably say to him:
This is so painful that even when I TRY to spit it out I wasn't able to get it all out. It is like I am choking on this whole thing, and I just need to vomit it out all at once.
Then just do it. I know this is hard, but you and I both know at this point it is the only way.
Whatever you do, tell him that you are having a really hard time with this, and commit to telling him. Commit by saying something like: "I have one thing I need to tell you, that I just haven't been able to... until now."
When you do this, you will find yourself having to go through with it. Once you commit, it makes things easier.
I once had a relationship where we exchanged typical background info, such as how many people we had been intimate with. She told me she was ashamed, and I told her, and meant it, that it wasn't relevant to me, so long as she was honest about it. I told her I could tale anything as long as she was honest about it.
She told me I would be guy number 4. I decided I could live with that, and she promised me that the number would never change.
Not even a week later, she cries and tells me it is actually 7 guys. Says she was just so ashamed that she couldn't bring herself to tell me. I told her I understood, and while I was disappointed, as long as she was sure she was telling the truth at this point, we would work past the lie.
Another week goes by... then it is 11 guys she has had sex with... a couple more days and it is 17 or 18 (she can't remember for sure... one night stands, meeting guys from craigslist and doing them in her truck, never to see them again kinda thing... course I didn't find that out until later, either.)
So, while I am no longer interested, I encouraged her to write it all down, and journal it just for her own sanity. I no longer remember the total she came up with, but guys that she shared the sexual side of herself with came out to 32 or 37, something like that. And who knows if there really shouldn't be a 1 placed in front of those numbers?
You see, honesty would have gone a long way in this situation. Sometimes people get in a bad way, go down a bad road and eventually decide that trying to collect every STD yet discovered... doesn't have a future. Sure, there is shame involved in having had indiscriminate sex for absolutely no reason other than a person's own insecurities, and well there should be, but then lying about that which has been overcome... ALSO out of insecurity, well that doesn't improve matters much. :-(
When people tell the truth, you can get past a LOT, but when people let things out a touch here, and a touch there... you never know when the next bomb will drop. You can never be sure that they are telling you the whole truth, and eventually the relationship ends from the stress of never feeling secure.
So, while I took a while to make the point, the one thing that I hope you will get from this is that honesty with him now means you have a potential future... and dishonesty with him now, when he has already told you he is open and receptive and ready to hear whatever you have to say, will be the end of this relationship.
You know, I am really proud of you. I know this is hard, and we have all done and said things we wish we hadn't, but you are going to make this right... I can tell. :-)
Once you have it out there, you simply won't believe the relief.
Once you start, tell him every last thing. Don't hold back. You only get so many: "That is all there is, there is no more to tell, no more secrets... honest!" statements before a person is justified in no longer believing you.
You are probably approaching that number here, after not telling him the whole story that has been killing you trying to get out. Don't make it any harder for him to trust you, if you want to spend the rest of your life with a man who isn't always looking at you going: "I wonder when I find out what else she is hiding?"
Now is the time.
Good luck!
DN.
P.S. If you feel up to it, I would really appreciate it if you would update me after you have cleared this all up and let me know how you feel. :-)
P.P.S. If you are curious where your former secret ranks in the spectrum of things that have been dropped on guys who were unaware... just ask. You wouldn't even believe some of the things that have been revealed to me one way or another after being hidden for a long time. Just the things that have happened to me personally, would make your head spin... but being on this site for several years has made me realize that even the things I thought were the worst ever, aren't. After this is over, which is in the next 24 hours, right? (Subtle encouragement mode...)
... it won't seem like as big a deal as it is to you now. Some of this things I can laugh about now, are things I thought would be the end of me... but as soon as the truth came out, the load lifted, and instead of this unknown thing causing a rift that seems world ending... it suddenly becomes almost trivial.
It is hard to explain, but what seems like that one giant thing that just can't be forgiven or understood... loses its bite. It is kind of like seeing the shadow of a fierce tiger coming around the corner, then freezing to the spot from sheer terror... only to have a kitten walk around the corner and you can see that it was just a backlit baby kitten casting a fearsome shadow.
So it is with the secrets everyone dreads.
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