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Between the Pulpit and the Pew
I’m in love with my pastor and I can tell by the tenderness in his eyes when he looks at me, that he is in love with me as well. Nothing has ever happened between us, so why do I feel such a sense of shame? God is love: At least that's how I try to justify our feelings for one another. Neither of us asked for this. In fact, we have never even spoken about it. It just is what it is and it's extremely strong.
This man is married, has children and a prominent (mega church) pastor who has thousands of women at his disposal, if he so desired to exploit his position in that manner. So, I'm having a difficult time understanding, why his heart is turned toward me. I'm having even more difficulty understanding why he has entered into my heart: 1) I am well aware that at one point or another 90% of female parishioners become attracted to their pastors (it's the power factor) but I’m not that easily impressed or captivated. 2) I am not now nor have never been a church groupie. 3) Given my past preferences, no one who knows me would ever pair me with him. He is an attractive man, just not, historically, the type that I have been attracted to. But love surpasses all things so they say, even types.
I try not to question God's ways but I can't help but wonder why He would put two people who love Him so very much through this kind of agony. The bible says that God does not tempt and that temptation is always of the devil. This is very confusing for me right now because neither of us have any evil intent for anyone affected, certainly not for one another, so how can it be of the devil?
As painful as it has been, I have joined another church and I believe that he is making a concerted effort to repair or do damage control in his relationships with God, his spouse, and with his church.
Here’s the thing, it seems like the longer I go without seeing him, the stronger my feelings become. I have been in love before and I was in a loving marriage for years, but I have never in my life fallen this hard for anyone. I have cried more in the past few months than I can ever recall. I pray about it constantly and I know that this too shall pass. In the meantime, what do I do with my feelings and how do I stop this pain? I can barely eat or sleep. I go to bed and wake up with him on my mind daily. It feels as if someone has ripped my heart out and stomped on it, still I am forced to carry it with me everywhere I go, or naturally I will die (it hurts)
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Wow that's a lot going on. Since you two have never talked about it, are you sure he knows how you feel? My personal opinion is that you two need to talk it out. The worse thing you can do is try to suppress your feelings. Christians suppress things way too often and it usually ends up spiraling out of control.
It could be that this man has manipulated his position in the pulpit before and you're just his latest conquest. So before you get too emotionally entrenched call him out. If it turns out that you both are on the same page then I would definitely advise you to seek counseling because no matter how you slice it, as long as he is married, IT'S WRONG.
I do think that you are doing the right thing by staying away from him. As far as your feelings go, I know it's hard and I know it hurts but keep God first and you will get through it.
Jade
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You realize this man is married and has children? If God planned for you to be with this man, wouldn't you be with him now? I just don't think that God would let a man get married and have kids with one women and then walk away from that for another women. I'm not sure what your question is but I'm pretty sure this situation is tempting you. You said yourself that you say God is love to try and justify your feelings as being right. If your feelings for eachother were right, you wouldn't try to justify them.
Maybe this is temptation from the devil, or maybe God is trying to teach you something. All I know is that in your time away from this man, you should really be talking to God and just be still and listen to him. I know from experience that the world seems tempting and being christians, we can't help but to explore and experiment and dabble in things that we know are wrong but feel so right. That's why you have to pray to God for discernment and really listen to him. He may not speak to you directly, but he'll always send you a sign. You just have to notice it.
I hope this helped. You didn't give me a question so I just said what I felt you should hear.
~Andrew~
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I don't know why you should feel guilty. He's a man and you're a woman and whenever attraction occurs the next natural step is sexual desire. You say that you haven't acted on it or anything and you have changed churches. It seems like you are doing all the right things. You can't help it if you're attracted. We are all human beings and it happens. Just stay away from him and focus you attention of something else and before you know it he will only be an afterthought . . . if that.
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