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Why am I so afraid?
Ok so, I am a 22 year old Female, and I have been dating a guy for about 9 months now, and he is my first “Official” boyfriend (my first love) and I have the deepest fear of him either A. Leaving me or B. Cheating on me.
Before having a boyfriend I was ridiculously easy going and optimistic! And now it’s like I believe that he is obviously going to hurt me, as it is said that 35% of people cheat. I never used to be like this. Growing up having an alcoholic mother who accuses absolutely any man she has ever been with, including my father (who has sworn to me he never did.) But they went through a nasty divorce for duration of 10 years; my three sisters and I were all in the middle of it. My mother in the midst of the divorce started using drugs, and alcohol to cope we weren’t too well taken care of (she is a kind person, but just sick is all.) The lack of being cared for wasn’t all bad, as it made me a very strong individual; I’m independent, kind, and very loving. But I can’t seem to shake my fear.
Fortunately he is beyond understanding (but for how long?), and has done little to betray my trust. But If I continue not trusting him, our relationship will fail, and I will lose him by rebuilding the wall I put down, and pushing him away (which is another one of my fears of losing him.)
P.S When I tell him how I feel he often cries, and tells me he loves me, and wants to be with me forever, he says he wouldn’t ever abandoned me (he and I have has similar up bringing’s his childhood wasn’t easy either) What is wrong? How can I conquer my issues? Please any advice will be considered!!
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From what you have written you childhood equates to being abused and abandoned by your parents in their 10 year duration to divorce. Nothing I can say here in the space or manner provided will reverse these years of abuse. This is why you built that wall.
Once you loose trust in someone or everyone it is hard to regain that trust. You had ten years living behind the wall you built. You really haven't torn it down, you've opened a doorway to let this boy in. This to me is a good start. He does sound like the type of guy you can trust and make a life with.
Before you do so, I don't think from what you have written you will chase this guy away that easily, you need to fully tear down that wall. To do this you need more help then we can give you. You need the help of a qualified therapist, a psychologist to help you with the your problems.
You need to find a therapist you can trust. Someone you are comfortable with to talk with about everything, your deepest and darkest secrets. Knowing that what you say in therapy stays in therapy between you and the therapist.
If you are thinking therapy is just for the mentally ill; forget that. Many times in order to move forward we need to unburden some of the baggage that has built up over the years. As I said your parents long term divorcing has caused you to build a wall of protection to protect yourself from the abuse their divorce has caused you.
This is a natural defence mechanism. The problem comes in when you no longer needed it you don't know how to live without it. This where talking with someone who is not intimately involved with you helps. Someone who can help you knock down the wall or walk through the door you have opened to allow this young man into your life.
In short; find a therapist to talk to. Your family doctor may be of help in finding one for you.
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