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Fear of Abandonment
Dear adviceman49, I am a 35 y/o who was raised in a very strict/religious home. My parents wouldn't allow me to wear pants, cut my hair, wear makeup, date, go to theaters, go to any after-school activities such as football games, etc, and I ended up marrying the first man that I ever even kissed. He was 9 years older than me so I sort of went from one dominating situation to another. We were married for 14 years then divorced. The only reason that I stayed with him for so long was #1 because we have two children and #2 My parents are soooo against divorce. They believe that marriage is for life and that divorce is an abomination. It finally got to the point that I was cheating on him to keep from divorcing just to get the attention that I wasn't getting from him. But that made me hate myself and I was consumed with guilt so I ended up being admitted to the emotional health unit of the hospital where I stayed for the next nine days. I finally came to the conclusion that my happiness was my responsibility. I'm an RN and I can support myself so I filed for divorce. My mother has rebuked me and my dad called my sister and told her that because she helped me move out that God was going to have something terrible happen to her as punishment. My mother wont speak to me if she see's me in public if I have on slacks instead of a dress. I feel like they're love is so conditional, like I'm not good enough. So now I'm seeing a man who makes me very happy. My kids and his kids are the same age. We have similar interest, we both love to farm and love horses and cattle. But my parents are totally disappointed in me. The other day my dad passed the man that I'm dating on the highway and he waved. It made me so happy that I texted my mother and told her how happy it made me.... she replied "I assure you that if your dad had known it was your man he would not have waved. I'm sorry but you made your decision." It devastates me. Anyway, even tho I love this man so much, the closer we get in our relationship the more terrified that I get that he's going to leave me. I mean this is a paralyzing fear that causes me to try to break things off with him just to avoid the pain of being abandoned. I feel jealous if he even talks to his ex wife for too long and God forbid if he were to laugh during the course of the conversation with her, I'm convinced that he's going to hurt me and I have absolutely not grounds for that belief. Please help. You seem very intellegent and knowledgable.
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Thank you for the compliment I appreciate your trust. Now lets see if I can give you some help.
I have gone over your message several times and while I will offer you some advice. I feel you need someone you can talk to on a one on one basis who will keep your trust. Someone who will be there for you when you need them and can work with you, to help you get back the confidence that is missing in your life.
The person I'm thinking of would be a psychologist someone who you can tell your deepest and darkest secrets to knowing full well that they stay between you and her. A good psychologist will help you with the biggest problems you presented here. That being the pain and fear of abandonment and jealousy. Once these are conquered or put in their proper prospective the other problems you have presented will take their proper place in your life. We could spend months writing to each other trying to get to a point that working with a therapist can be achieved in a much shorter time.
The problems you are having with your parents are not trivial. They are hurtful to you, this I understand. What I believe is happening here is not that your parents have lost their love for you. More so that they are disappointed in you that you are not following the teachings they tried to instill in you as a child.
It is my belief that a parent never loses their love for one of their children though they can become disappointed in them, in so doing they show their displeasure in ways that appear as if they don't love them.
The fact is you were never comfortable with the strict religious upbringing you had. Nothing wrong with that. It sounds like as long as you lived with them you followed their rules. That is what is expected of a child and what I expect you expect from your children.
It is a parents hope that a child takes and keeps the values learned when they go out in the adult world. The operative word here is "ADULT".
You write that as an adult you took the first escape route open to you to leave your parents home. It was a mistake. You lived with the mistake until you could no longer, until it affected your health, then took the only avenue of correction. This is where it seems the real problem with your family begins. The problem with how you dress in public is just added fuel so to speak.
I had a similar situation with a women my wife worked with. She was divorcing her husband and her parents abandoned her choosing to believe what her husband was saying over what she was saying. Over her objections I wrote to her parents and gave them my views of the situation. Explaining what I knew of her and of her husband. Long story short her parents were on the phone to her the evening the received my letter pledging their love and support.
In my letter to them I did not write anything that she had not tried to say to them in phone conversations. The problem was she was cut off by them because of what they believed.
I'm not sure what I'm about to suggest will work as it did for our friend. It will at least give you the opportunity to say to your parents what you feel and why.
I'm suggesting that you write to them. In that letter which you start with thanking them for being the great parents they were when you were growing up. They were great parents for you are a great adult which means they did their jobs as parents.
After you thank them you go on to say that what I said earlier, that the strict religious up bringing, although proper, never fit who you are. Because of it and to stay within thier boundaries, as you write, you married the first person who kissed you, this was a mistake. Then go one to tell them how much this hurt you physically and mentally. You can leave out the infidelity as it won't help your cause. That is something that should stay between you and the therapist. Then go on to explain how this hurt you and what effect if any this may have effected their grandchildren.
From there you go on to explain that you are an adult who must exist in today's world. As an adult in today's world you may make choices they do not like, do not truly understand or would not make. This is not meant to be disrespectful to them or their teachings. It is meant to make your life bearable and better for you and your children. From here you can go to tell about your new life.
Once you have written this letter set it aside then when you have calmed down again, reread it and make changes as needed. It is a conversational letter where you explain yourself and your feelings. Their is no need to hammer at their beliefs as this will gain you nothing. What is done is done you cannot change the past. What you can do is control today and the future.
There is a motto I have used for most of my adult life. It is; "The only person I have to be better than is the person I am today." Feel free to use it when writing to your parents it should say a lot to them.
Consider what I have said about writing a letter to them as it is an opportunity to say what you need to say without interruption. They will read it, that I am sure of. I also urge you strongly to find a therapist you are comfortable with and work with her on the other issues in you life as I know this will be beneficial.
I hope this helps you. Let me know how your doing and if your parents come more to your side after your write them. I'm sure they love you they are just upset with you at the moment for I believe they have never truly understood the full problem that you can relate in its entirety in a letter.
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