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Help, I need advice: How do I change and make it better and not kill myself? How? Tell me?
I have tried everything! From industrial jobs to hospitality jobs. I have made enemies, not friends. When I think I have made a friend, the end result is the opposite. I have asthma, and had no chance of fighting back physically. I have read books til I could not read anymore about verbal judo. Verbally fighting back only to get into deeper trouble. I have a small frame for a male. I can only conclude I should have never been born. I am part of the mainstream of gossip. I have worked with people that moved up the corporate ladder only to ruin me socially and mentally. The mental toll is getting to the same height as a mountain. I have gone to one of the best anger doctors in my province only the end result was this medical professional told me off verbally. No hope. I try not to stare at couples holding hands, countless sunsets watching them. I always say to myself, "why not me?". Then I am back into fear, alienation, gossip, my thoughts come back, and I find the reasons. The people in my past even the few ladies I was with I cherish those small moments. Not many but in the cold winter I hold on. I pray to God to end my life every time I am at an intersection I ask, 'when is it my turn to get hit by a truck?', and bleed to death. No one would care if I don't exist. What do I do when every one I meet I have turned to salt, and I feel they are turning me into rust? In my forties, can't procreate, it is too late, lost my father to cancer. I drank heavily after he died trying to kill myself, but, got pulled back into another bad corner with a new job. Making new enemies. I can't believe these young girls and the idiot guys they go with. These young girls with the tight hot bodies they have giving sex away when my group had to incur so much responsibility to get a girl that is in the world now below average. It is the wrong step on the wrong foot going in the wrong direction. It never stops. If you think Canada is easier, it is tough. I even tried to lie to get in the army in 2001 and got kicked out politely. The mental toll is mounting and drugs don't agree with my body, funny I plan on killing myself through sleeping pills after my mother dies in a few years. Parents had over fifty years of marriage. Most couples that long die from heart break. At least they have had someone. I spent over four thousand on dating services and failed because of 'Word of Mouth',(WOM). I have tried or thought some people have helped me, but didn't and this includes professional people. That word 'Professional' should say next to it 'Do Not Trust At All'. They have said that WOM is not true and not to believe everything. I am telling you, if people talk about you, through visual contact, pointing in groups in public places, it is true, you are pillow talk like me. I am asking what do you do? I have tried everything. I have given up drinking over hundred times, but, for how long, til your nerves are done, so how long? I keep thinking of the film, 'Pump Up The Volume', in 1990, how simple everything was back then, no gas price problems, problems were less. I still had my hair back then, how time flies, so how do I change and make it better and not kill myself? How? Tell me? I have tried to reach out to family only to find family have given up and family can simply give up. Many of the good ones in my family are dead. I cling to old X-File episodes to get a glimpse of the old cars in the background to take me back for a few seconds, few seconds of peace, few seconds to a different decade called the nineties. When I use to dance with girls, kiss them, and when I use to matter, now I don't, suicide, being a Catholic is wrong. Is God watching me anymore, or did God turn the other cheek many years ago? On all of us? Is there anything after God, after my father passed, my answer is "No"! I didn't find anything. Maybe suicide isn't wrong, just depends how you do it. In public or in a hotel room, peacefully. So what mix of chemicals does it right? Let me know!
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No matter how hard and painful life gets it's never worth giving up on. When did you lose your faith in humanity and hope in the world? I was born an unwanted child, grew up with severe physical and mental abuse, but honestly, what didn't kill me, really did make me stronger. I suffered from asthma for the longest time. But when I took up martial arts, it truly helped me. It made my heart and my lungs stronger, have you considered starting martial arts? Tai Chi is a good way to start off. It helps alleviate stress as well as strengthen your mind, and body. Many people believe that other eras were easier and better off, but if you really look at it, no era was. There has always been pain and suffering. As for what you have gone through, I am truly sorry it was painful, but perhaps what you are going through is just God's test for you, to see if you truly have faith in him and his plans. I'm not religious, but I know the stories. But honestly, if someone is truly bent on.. ending their life, no one can stop them, as it is the persons own choice. I do want you to know though, that taking pills will be painful, regardless of the chemicals mixed and used. There is no truly painless way to die. It will always hurt, whether it is physical or mental, something will hurt. Remember, life is a long fight. We fight for everything, jobs, love.. you name it, we are all fighting. I'm sorry, but it upsets me to see anyone, stranger or someone I know, to give up on something that they only get once. You don't get to live the same life twice, so no matter how difficult it gets, live it as happy as you can. As for what other's think, who cares? What matters is what you think of yourself. I'm not beautiful, I don't have the perfect body that's always being portrayed on television, but I am still happy about who I am, and you should be happy about who you are as well. Life is beautiful, and so is the world. There is pain and suffering, but without those, there can be no compassion. No light without darkness.
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