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my mom killed herself help please!
My freshman year I had a huge crush on this girl that I had a few classes with. I know me and her had a thing but I never made a move on her.. I was a pussy. i think i had(still have) social anxiety and a really bad self conscious. i would stay in the bathroom looking in the mirror untill i thought i looked good enough to go to school and if i couldnt look good then i felt like everyone was judging me. I wore the same thing to school every week so this added on to myself thinking people were judging me. I only wore the clothes I thought I looked the best in.. sometimes that wasn’t good enough. When I couldn’t look good I would think I would be too ugly to present myself to her. This made me not want to go to school. I was 16 and y sophomore year came and things between me and her changed drastically. I had one class with her and we didn’t talk at all because I didn’t know what to say or I was just too nervous and shy. I was doing really good in school the first semester of my sophomore year but then the 2nd semester came and things went down the drain. i basically skipped the whole second semester of school just to spend my day playing this addicting computer game and so I wouldn’t have to deal with any awkward moments and the thoughts of people judging me. Also because I had a speech class the 2nd semester and I hated giving speeches. i would hide from my mom in various spots in the house just so i didnt have to go to school or i would tell my mom i was going to school, leave, and just kick it somewhere by myself untill she went to work. my mom was going through A LOT. From money being really low(we lived in a really nice house though) to her lesbian lover leaving her after 6 years, to my 14yr old sister being sent to live with HER father in california because she would not listen to my mom, would completely disobey her and acted bad. My moms childhood wasnt good either. her father would sexually touch her; this happened twice. then my mom’s mom left my mom’s dad and married another man. MY dad left my mom when he found out she was pregnant with me(I found this out after the suicide. I was lied to my whole life until I was 16) and then my mom had my sister with another man who basically took the role as a father until I was 10 because we moved to texas to get away from him because he was abusive and my mom really wanted to be with her lesbian lover. things were going really good before my sister got sent away. money wasnt as low and i was getting good grades in school. things went downhill after she got sent away because a couple of months after that happened, my moms lover left her. My sister being sent away also left me with more of an opportunity to stay home and skip school with my sister not being home at all. my mom would find me sometimes hiding(she would look for me in the house) and drive me to school. one time she was driving me to school after she found me and she slapped me really hard and told me she could go to jail if i kept skipping school. i was so fucking selfish and didnt really think she was serious and i said id go to jail if anything. anyways i kept skipping school to play this game and waste my time on the computer watching videos. i remember being at home and heaing my mom crying her eyes out begging lauren(her lover) not to leave. i asked her what was wrong and she said lauren is bored of the relationship. it hurt so much to see my mom like this. i told her maybe she will come back and she said i hope so. after this is when things really got bad, as she got really depressed and started abusing alcohol and cannabis(i found out after she committed suicide). not to mention that we never really spent that much time as a family but she tried very hard to keep us together. we had no real family in texas so we usually spent holidays with laurens family. i remember my mom leaving for a week and i had to stay at my friends house because the electric bill didnt get paid(this happened a couple times). after her suicide i found out she was attending a mentally ill hospital to help her feel better. i had no clue at the time where she was. she didnt tell me and i didnt ask. i just assumed she was having fun somewhere. i now think my sister was mentally ill too because she did something wrong idk i dont remember and my mom told her she was in trouble or something and my sister said that my mom would regret punishing her. all i remember is coming home and my sister emptied all the food in the pantry all over the floor just sitting in the middle of it. it was a huge mess. i was fucking confused thinking why would she do this. i called my mom and told her. i think she got grounded but now i understand that my sister was probably mentally ill too so it was not her fault to an extent. i was really pissed at the time because money was low and there was a lot of GOOD food all over the kitchen floor. i just couldnt understand. anyways back to the point, it was a normal day, first day of summer, and i was playing the computer game. my mom came out of her room to leave to work and i said bye. i dont remember if she said bye back. but i said i love you and she didnt say anything. i don’t know if she ignored me or didnt hear me. a couple hours passed and cops were at my door. i thought they were there because of me skipping so much school. i was scared to answer. i finally opened up and they asked me if anyone was home and who i was. i asked what are you guys here for. they sat me down and told me my mom was killed in an accident. i was told she was parked on the freeway because something was wrong with her car and when she was walking back to her driver door she was hit by an 18wheeler. i was in so much shock it was the last thing i couldve expected to happen. i cried so much and stared at her door thinking oh my fucking god is this real. I cried until I couldn’t cry anymore. within a few hours my house was filled with friends and neighbors. my sister called after not talking to her since she got sent to texas and she was crying hard and asked me if mom was really dead. I was instantly filled with sadness and tried my hardest to not let her hear me cry, and I said yes. her crying got harder and she hung up. I think I started crying after this too. I to my room and I started packing because I was told my aunts are coming to get me from California. The night came and I ended up staying the night at my friends house down the street.. Everything seemed so weird I don’t know how to explain it. Just in so much fucking shock. I was just laying there watching tv by myself in a room with my cats that I brought from my house. I was about to fall asleep and I remember something coming on the news talking about my mom. It said suicide or accident. I was then again instantly filled with emotions and just turned the tv off and tried to fall asleep. I woke up still in complete emotional pain. I went and hung out with my friends that I skated with all the time, until my two aunts were at my friends house. I got my bags, said goodbye to my friends and I remember one of my friends stopping by right before I left to say bye. My neighbor also stopped by right before I left and told me that she gathered up money from around the neighborhood to help a little bit. Then I was on my way back to California. I ended up living with my aunt, her husband, and their daughter. Things weren’t really uncomfortable but I didn’t want to be there. Starting a whole new life after this all happening was hard. I made friends and everything but of course I was still completely hurting and still am to this day. I tried counseling but I didn’t feel like anyone understood me and I think social anxiety kind of limited me explaining myself. I was at a social security place getting things set up for me to receive social security money and I heard my aunt mention something about a biological father to the social security worker. I ignored it. Then some time passed and we were at a bank getting a bank account set up and I heard my aunt mention something about a biological father again. This time I asked her about it whenever we were finished and inside the car leaving. She told me that my mom was going to tell me soon before she died that the father I was growing up with in California was not my real dad. He was my sisters dad. Also that my real dad left before I was born. This left me in even more confusion and shock. This just piled on top of everything else that was going on making things worse. Im now less then a month away from being 18 and I still feel absolutely hurt and depressed. I havent had any real suicidal thoughts because I couldn’t imagine leaving my sister by herself. My sister was going through a very hard time with controlling herself in the past year. Shes been doing drugs, drinking a lot, getting in fights, and even got expelled from her school. As of the last month or so shes improved dramatically. I think she started taking anti depressants along with therapy/counseling. Im so happy for her. Shes been visiting the last week or 2 with my cousin that’s visiting from south Dakota. As for me, im still completely depressed, I tried to take anti depressants but stopped after day 2 because I don’t wanna mix weed with the pills and I heard the pills side effects could be bad. I basically spend all my money on weed haha. Smoking weed is my way of medicating myself and it helps a lot but my aunt and uncle completely refuse to let me enjoy it. I had a half ounce of weed and they found it and took it. This is after getting in constant trouble with them all relating to weed. Them taking it pissed me off so much because I saved up so much money and JUST got it the day before I got it taken away. Currently im attending psychotherapy once a week along with still getting in trouble with my aunt n uncle because of my weed habit haha. Fuck it though. I feel bad because I never want to spend time with them. I’m always in my room. I love them a lot but im just so depressed. Like right now, my sister and cousin are visiting and everyones in the living room but im still in my room just on my laptop and watching tv. I feel like its because I don’t want to get real close to anyone because I put all my love into my mom and because I never got used to the fact of spending time with family in texas because my mom was always in her room too. She was all I had, and then she killed herself, just leaving me. Walking right passed me without saying anything the day it happened. I wish I could go back and tell her how much I really loved her and cared about her .I had no clue she was depressed, we didn’t talk a lot. If I had any idea that she was going through what she was going through I would have automatically changed my ways. Maybe it would have stopped her from killing herself. Now im left with all this regret, guilt, and anger. My heart is in a million pieces.
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Take it from me man, the weed is going to make you feel worse. I'm not some anti-drug loser trying to bum your high -- I'm just speaking from experience that weed and and depression don't mix, they really just make the depression worse over time. Quit with the substances and continue with the psychotherapy. If you don't like your therapist, fuck them... get a different one. Only after you get to a less depressed place should you allow yourself to smoke, and even then it should just be a social thing, not a constant.
Smoking habitually and developing a weed dependence when you're depressed is horrible and is going to make things even worse.
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You have obviously been through a lot. I am not sure if you needed to ask a question, or just vent. Sometimes venting helps a lot. I can relate to you, in a way. I will never say to anyone that I know how you feel, because I dont know your specific situation. I am still not in a place where I can even say anything about the suicides that happened within the past 2 years. There has been 6 of them. I have been in therapy and anti depressants for a year now, it has helped. One thing I will say to you, the one piece of advice you need, is dont blame yourself. You are not responsible for what happened. If you would like to email me, you can. We can talk if you need to, or want to. I am available all the time, I work online.
I hope I helped, a little at least.
-Kayleigh
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