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I'm all messed up right now. I need changes.
I'm M/16. A year ago, I thought I'd be doing better. It seems I've made very little progress. I have a lot of problems, mostly ones that are all in my control. First off, I have a bad addiction, it's nothing illegal, I just think it's wrong and effects my social life. I went from everyday to every weekend. Sometimes I'd go two weeks, I would feel so much stronger and more powerful. But once any little thing happens, I go right back. On top of this, I have alienated a few girls that I liked, so there are no girls in my life right now. And I feel like the one I like now thinks I'm weird or creepy. When I stop my addiction for a while, it's easier to talk to people and I have more fun, but like I said, any little thing might bring me down and I'll relapse. So I assumed that this girl doesn't like me and I relapsed after thinking that she's trying to ignore me. I'm so dumb, I wait until the very last minute for things and I create these stupid expectations and fake realities in my head, then get obsessed with someone I barely know. I regret so much and I've lost hope so many times. I'm sure I'll eventually stop for like three weeks then get pissed off for no good reason and relapse. It's like a never ending cycle. The only progress I've noticed is going from everyday to every weekend, and being less shy. But I'm still left in the same position I've been in for about 2.5 years. I'm just so pissed at myself. And I feel like I could be doing so much better, in the past I've done better.I no longer have people to talk to, I've basically alienated all of them. Then I had the nerve to feel abandoned. I've failed a lot in school too, 2 years ago failing was an anomaly. And now it's me. And I hat when people put me down and demotivate me when I slowly start to get better. Judging me and calling me names doesn't make it better. And stupid grades, making a false image of someone. Stupid numbers can't tell you anything about me except for how well I followed someone's made up requirements. I can learn what was taught, pass the test proving it, but still fail. School isn't for learning anymore, it's all about building a huge ego of numbers to go to a stupid college, 'cause if I don't go to college, I'm gonna be a stupid burger flipper. Yeah right, are they trying to make us close minded? School is like blackmail. "You don't have to do this, but if you don't we'll make you look bad" And if I learned what was taught, I did not take it for granted.
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Maybe give some free advice about: Random Weirdos?
One thing you need to do is not worry about what people say to you or about you, & don't try to change because of someone. You already want to change, so do it for yourself, not because you want people to stop calling you all the mean names. The sticks & stones quote is very cold-hearted but I agree with it. People see how determined you are & they just want to see you fail. So annoy the shit out of them by succeeding. You will see what a big difference it will make in your motivation if you keep picturing them when they see you happy.
As for school, don't worry about the teachers and all that. Trust me it is not good to have perfect grades either because you are under a lot of pressure for the expectations of others.
People will want to bring you down for everything that you want to do, no matter how badly you want it. I can tell from what you wrote that you have tried very hard and are very determined to fix things. You need a break from the people around you. Do you have someone who you can talk to who won't judge you for your addiction and can talk to you about this problem for as long as you want? Are your parents available? Anyone that you trust, even if it's someone who barely knows you even, you need to talk to someone. If you can't find someone, here's a good idea: write it in a journal somewhere. Not like a diary, but like a progress journal. Write down the number of days since your last fix. As the numbers increase, your confidence will grow. You can even write when you're angry and then wait until you calm down and read it again. You'll see for yourself what I mean. I wish you luck!
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