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i feel like im losing in life! all i want to do is die, and i contemplate suicide but...
19/f well it goes like this, im 19 and i just feel like im failing in life with everything that i do. I've had my share of problems. about 2 years ago my mom, brother, and I got evicted from our apartment, even though that"s not the first time we've been evicted. my brother went to trade school, my mom moved in with my aunt and i moved to another town with my cousin, for a new start, i wasnt really happy at that school and i thought it would be good for me to get away, so i started school there in the new town, and basically i was made fun of and i couldnt make any friends. i felt inferior, like i was under everybody and unimportant (which isn't a new feeling). so i left that school and went back to my old and moved in with my mom aunt and uncle. my mom and shared a room that was like 6x9 literally. i started going back to my old school and it was better than being at the pther school. then, i was socializing, but i felt lonely. even if i was in a room full of people, i felt like was the "loser" of the crowd. but after a couple of months at living ay aunt's i graduated from high school, and i wasnt happy because school was one of the reasons that i left the house. one month later a tree fell on my aunt's house and we had to move out i got dropped off a my cousin's house whom i barely talked to for months, i started cutting then .. acouple months later i moved on a boat with my mom and her friend, who is a crack addict, so is my mother. that was when i started feeling really sad. i just wanted to jump in the water and die, then i started losing contact with my friends even though no one knew i lived on a boat, and i started hating myself, which i always have, i took like 27 advil, but that didnt do anything, i tried drinking bleach but it was too strong. after 1 year and a half we(my mom, brother, and i) got one bedroom apartment, we've been here 7 months now, and i just feel like im failing. im 19, with no job, no job history, im not in school, and im not doing anything. i babysit occasionally, but all i do is sit around the house and eat and listen to music. all my "friends" are nonexistent in my life and are all working, in school, or both. all i want to do is get a job, go to school, and be somebody. but its like i dont have any motivation. i had all honors and AP courses in school, and i did fairly well. but it hurts seeing my mom and brohter go off to work and i sit home all day. but im also scared of people, i know it sounds weird, but im scared that people will see me and have a negative opinion of me, and that would hurt me to my soul. i stay in the house to also avoid this. my doctor put me on antidepressants but they're not working. all i want to do is die, and i contemplate suicide but when i think about it i think of funeral costs that my family cant pay, but even more embarrssed that if i died no one, would show to my funeral, but immediate family, and i doubt all of them would show. but i think i would be better off dead, i just fell stuck, unwanted, unloved, and forgotten i know this might seem stupid, but i left out many details.
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Take Niacin you can get it at any GNC or vitamin shop.
It is why suicidal patients get better. Look it up.
Its your only option Most people will be totally cured from depression im a matter of weeks.
I have tried every thing there is and this is the only thing that works.
Dont stop taking it. With out Niacin it is impoossible to get better.
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Starting from a positive point of view, you're young, healthy (apart from depression) and have a useful brain. You have people around you who love you and who would be devastated if you died. They have work, you don't.
VIsit your doctor to see if he/she can suggest some talking therapies to build your self-esteem and confidence.
Ask your Mom, brother, family and friends if they know of any job clubs you could attend to learn more about possible jobs, training courses to build up some history of experience. You aren't alone in being jobless, there are thousands out there, just like you.. No-one else can do it for you so grab all the courage in your body and go out there and do it, now before you get too scared.
Good luck, let me know how you get on?
Best wishes XX.
Think of things you'd like to try - crafts, singing, travelling, star-gazing, whatever, and look for a group you could join to do this.
In other, brutal words - (I apologise for this) get a life! This is the only one you've got and you have to make the best of it
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