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further question
Thank you for your advice, I agree with some of the things you said. The guilt, the happiness, talking to him. I guess I do feel guilty deep in my heart, guilty that I have a chance to live, a chance that he lost...yoou adviced for me to talk to his parents, but they moved to south korea a week after the funeral. I tried talking to my parents about it a lot of times at first...but gave up after some of the comments they made...it only hurt more...I know that he's in a better place, my brain knows...my heart won't listen....at first even thoughts of suiced or cutting came to mind......I don't know what to do he made me feel so alive when we were together, now I feel like I'm a puppet, like I'm only an empty shell......its gotten so bad that I can't even cry anymore...its like only my heart is crying....not being able to cry......its scary..........sorry this is all over the place..
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Maybe give some free advice about: Mental health?
You know, everything you said is very normal. Its okay to feel guilty for you having a chance to live and his chance ran short. But sweetie, that isn't your fault. Everything happens for a reason. There is nothing you could have done that would have changed the outcome of what happened. You have to understand that he is in a better place. He isn't suffering anymore, and he is out of all pain and misery that day to day life brings. I know your heart doesn't want to believe it, and I think that is just what happens when you are going through an emotional situation like this one.
You can't kill yourself, or cut yourself. Those things do not solve anything.
1. Cutting only helps for a couple of seconds. The next couple of hours you are back feeling just a shitty as you have before. It doesn't make the pain go away, it gives you scares of stupidity; You have to remember him before you do this; What would he think? What would he say?
2. Suicide, to me is a way of saying "I give up". You are strong. You don't need to give up. You know that if you kill yourself, that will not solve anything either. Yeah you'll be dead and gone, but really- what were you proving? That the pain is just to much to handle? Make him proud and get through it, don't take the easy way out.
Just because you are having these thoughts does not make you some kind of freak either. Your just over whelmed with emotions and you arent' quite sure how to release them.
Damn, that really is terrible. You'd think your parents would try to help you just by listening. They need to realize they're negative comments aren't helping but making it worse. Have you ever called to talk to a hotline? How about a therapist? If you don't have anyone to talk to, those two wouldn't be a bad idea. Maybe you could somehow get his parents number from someone? Look them up on facebook, and send them a message? Anything is better than nothing, you know?
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