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I accidentally hurt my girlfriend
While joking around with my girlfriend, I accidentally pinned her down by her neck and hurt her. The thing is, I'm a lot bigger than her, and I've always had problems being stronger than her (I jokingly slap her arm and it still hurts her when I do it light). Now, she's very very angry at me. I may have lost her. How can I make her understand that it was a mistake, that I didn't mean to hurt her, that I was honestly holding back and doing it as light as I could? How can I make her see that I never ever want to hurt her or anyone?
Male, 28
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I know this isn't what you want to hear, but you may not be able to get her back. Being pinned at the neck with even the slightest bit of pressure, when you aren't expecting it, is a very frightening thing. If you were held down at the throat by someone stronger than you, with no way to free yourself, would you be comfortable with that? It doesn't matter how light the pressure was; it's a form of asserting complete dominance and it is horrible to experience. You may have instantly shattered whatever trust she had in you.
She is going to remember those arm slaps and the pinning, and she is going to look at all of that as one big picture. Even if you didn't mean to hurt her, these could be the beginning signs of domestic abuse and they can show themselves in men that have never seemed abusive before. Returning to men like that in the early stages is what can get a women trapped in an abusive relationship for years. I'm sure you're not a bad person and you never want to hurt her like that, but you might wake up one day and realize you don't recognize yourself in the mirror anymore. It can happen to the best of us. In her place, I would leave you even if I recognized you as sincere in your apology. People can change and I'd rather leave a relationship early than risk getting trapped like that.
I think your only option, if you are serious about this relationship, is to suggest couple's therapy. This will be more for you to confront your problems than her; you have to recognize that even slapping her arm is not ok after she negatively responds to it the first time, and pinning at the neck is never ok without clear permission in advance. It doesn't matter how bad you feel about it now; you need to address your reasons for doing it in the first place before it happens again. As awkward and shameful as it may seem to drag all this out in front of a therapist, this is the best way to show her that you are serious about the relationship, recognize your mistake, and want to correct it in a way that doesn't force her to be alone with you.
Also, right now it is important that you don't smother her with attention. Showing extreme neediness is another red flag in relationships and will only drive her away more. Show her that you are there and you still care, and call and ask her if she would be interested in some therapy sessions before completely giving up on you, but don't force her into anything or assume that she will be ok with anything. Ask her for permission before doing anything that relates to her. You need to ask her if she wants to enter therapy with you, ask before you hold her hand, ask before you even touch her hair or drop by her workplace to see her. This will help reinforce that you do care about her and don't want to make her uncomfortable in any way.
If you aren't willing to do couples' therapy and don't recognize there might be a deeper problem here than just inappropriate joking (I don't know any men who would jokingly grab a woman by the throat), then you'd best let this relationship go. It'd be best for the both of you.
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