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Fallout from a terrible year; no confidence and no emotional stimulus
So, for a while now I just haven't been myself. In highschool I was "the guy" in a lot of ways. I was my school council president, valedictorian, I organized youth leadership programs and I loved doing it all. I had a strong passion for cinema, I just loved going to the theatre or watching movies at home. I actually loved cinema so much that I eft my hometown to go to Toronto to attend Ryerson University for film production. I was charismatic, funny and outgoing (If I may be so bold to say).
But now, I have become so introverted and have lost essentially all of my confidence as well as any genuine emotion or ability to get excited abut anything. The only real thing I can actually feel is what I guess you would call shame, or self-doubt, which often leads to anger if not sadness. I went to the Dr's for a blood test hoping that there would be a partial biological reason for this (thyroid, or testosterone maybe), but the results came back saying I was completely healthy. I also haven't felt a genuine attraction for anyone in well over a year, almost two years now. And as much as I desire to be with someone again, the first thing I usually tell myself is "there's no way she would be interested in you anyways" or "you're not interesting enough for her". I'm in a constant state of desire and dissatisfaction.
I now experience the same confidence issue with my work. In the film industry, like most careers, to succeed you need, among other things, to be ambitious and talented. i've reached a point where i am completely stifling myself creatively because the only thing I can seem to tell myself is that I'm not creative enough to succeed. Or my perspective or voice is not unique enough. Film has no longer become exciting for me, it's just something that Im doing. But I don't htink that's how I truly feel about it. i think it is what I want to do.
In my third year of university I started dating this girl and it took off from the get-go. It was a relationship that, in retrospect, was doomed to fail. It was my first real relationship and although everything seemed to be going great, it didn't turn out so well. It was my fourth year, my final year, and we had just finished filming my girlfriends thesis production, and we were set to start production on my film in only a couple days. I had forty thousand dollars, twenty of my own twenty through grants offered by the school, riding on my thesis. And three days before we were supposed to start we had to cancel due to weather. Then the next day when I asked my gf to come over and then with no reason she broke up with me.
This started what I like to call my year of hell. Everything just went downhill from here. My girlfriend, now ex, was my production designer for my film, which was now drastically behind schedule, and for some reason i decided to keep her on. In this time, I walked in on her with the guy who shot her movie, who was supposed to be my camera man. She got appendicitis, I stayed with her in the hospital. I then found out she had been cheating on me for months with different guys. And I just didn't handle it all very well, became a person I didn't really enjoy very much. There are a lot of things that happened in this time, but I wont go into detail. It was just a year of bad luck and bad times.
When the year was over, I cam back home, found a good job, but when it was over I found out that all my childhood friends, guys I grew up with, had "given up" on me because I worked too much. Not soon after that I had a falling out with my childhood mentor and now no longer have him as a friend. I was working with my dad doing electrical work and was completely depressed doing it. I decided to move back to Toronto and here I am.
I know that a lot of this is fall out from what happened to me, but the thing is i just dont know how to deal with it now. I remember what it was like getting excited about things, enjoying people's company, being able to make conversation with absolutely anyone, and I just want to be able to do that again. The thing is too that when I am at work I am able to be positive and sociable, but when I go home its like someone hits a switch and I just turn off. I dread weekends because i live alone and don't really have any friends here to do things with. So i usually end up just staying in, watching movies or doing whatever. And I just know I am missing out on so much. Always being scared or self-depricating is just so tiring. I want to be able to genuinely enjoy life but it seems like I have completely forgotten how. If anyone has any suggestions I would love to hear them. And if not, I at least got to write this out.
Thanks
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Want to answer more questions in the Health & Fitness category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Mental health?
Best possible suggestion for you right now? Go get counselling.
You may not be clinically depressed, but you are definitely exhibiting symptoms. A counselor can help to identify problems and work with you to find solutions, whether they be chemical or even just coping tactics.
You have a few options. Unfortunately, as I know from experience, it's difficult to find a psychiatrist who is covered by OHIP, and they're usually swamped, but they are out there. Otherwise you can pay one or have it covered by private insurance. Another option is counseling by a social worker. Not quite as expensive, but they can't prescribe medication. If cost is an issue, Catholic Family Services offers counseling on a sliding scale based on what you can pay. Despite the name, it can be non-religious.
Whatever you do, don't give up. Life isn't supposed to be like what you're experiencing right now. You can get out of the rut you're in, but it will take some work.
Try to make some connections that you aren't being paid for. Volunteer work is a great way to add a new social circle and a sense of fulfillment to your life.
If it's any consolation, during my battles with my mental illness, I lost contact with all my friends, stopped taking interest in just about everything and pretty much wanted to sit in a dark room until I died. It's taken some time, but I'm back to my previous bubbly, happy, life-loving state.
You can pull out of this. I promise.
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