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Can you ever fix a relationship?
This may be long but please take the time to read it because I could really use some advice.
19/f I started dating my current boyfriend in February. He is a really amazing guy. Hes sweet, caring, loving, sincere, and genuinely a good person. And he adored me. We didn't have one fight for the first 3 or 4 months, I guess you can call it the "honeymoon phase". We fell in love because we fit together so well we are perfect for each other personality wise. But three months ago he hurt his back pretty badly and there's nothing doctors can do about it unless he gets surgery to fix it. But that's the last thing he wants/needs because once you get surgery you're f***ed for life. At first I was unaware of the extent to which his pain was affecting his life. Needless to say things are not going as great for him as they were when we first met. He's always in pain now, among other things going wrong.
The one thing about him that I know and the only thing I don't like is the fact that he gets angry very easily, all the time, for no reason. He told me he's always been that way. Not angry at me, just at situations and life. I try to help him with it but nothing I say now seems to have an effect on him. He's always in a bad mood, or when I try to talk to him/kiss him, most of the time he just looks at me and doesn't respond. Sometimes he even looks annoyed. We pretty much live together because we're always at each others houses, we always want to be together. But recently it's become sort of taxing for me. I come home from being with him and find that I'm in a bad mood. I'm fighting with my parents a lot and I'm just not happy. And the sad part is that I am a huge believer in happiness and I always preach how important it is to be happy. I just get so upset when I see him so mad and we're spending time together but hes in a bad mood. We used to get along great and have a great time and now its basically me always trying to cheer him up. We'll have moments here and there when he forgets he's upset, and we don't really fight, but he's always mad and I'm always sad because of it. So I've been trying to talk to him about it and explain how I feel and he keeps telling me that his anger problem has gotten 100 times worse because he's literally always in shooting sharp pain from his back. Therapy helps him a little but he says it comes right back. I just don't know what to do anymore, I try to do nice things for him and kiss him and give him love and care but nothing works. A few times after we've come back from a night of drinking and he's like that, I get emotional and I've cried to him pretty bad a few times and I hate crying it makes me feel vulnerable and weak. It's because of the alcohol that I cry, but it's because of his mood that I get sad. Now he has it in his head that we cant drink together because when we drink we fight and I get emotional and its not me. I tried really hard last night to explain that its still how I feel, just the alcohol makes me more vocal about it. He wouldn't even hear it. He told me to talk to him when I was sober. Which I know, is what I have to do now. I really need some advice on what to say though, because now I have the feeling that he sees me as an emotional wreck. I get the feeling that he sees me differently, before he used to adore me and he pretty much had me on a pedestal. Calling me perfect all the time, and I'm not expecting that now at all I actually didn't like that but now I feel like what he saw in me in the beginning is gone. I just don't know what to do or say to him to fix this problem in our relationship. It's not like he can get rid of his pain or anger, he can't help it, but it seriously makes me depressed. Help?
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I am so sorry about all of this.. I will pray for him to get better and for your relationship to work out.
I think what you need to do is take a break from him for a while. i don't mean you have to break up with him or something.. but just say you're busy this weekend and then take that time to really think about YOURSELF. You've been doing so much for him.. It seems like you're giving 90% effort into the relationship (always trying to make him feel better and make things right) but he's giving 10%.. Be honest, aren't you tired and exhausted from always doing all the work?? Take a weekend to yourself. Splurge some money and go to the spa and get a mani/pedi or a nice relaxing massage. take some of that stress away and just think about yourself for a weekend or even week. Also, think about what you really want. Is this guy really "the one" for you? Can you picture you 2 living together forever? If you can't handle all of this right now.. will you be able to handle it 10 years from now? These are the questions you need to ask yourself and figure out. If you don't know the answers.. then you're wasting your time with him. You could be so much happier if you really wanted to. but, if you do see yourself with him forever, then its time for him to start putting in effort too. I get that he's hurt and in pain, and its hard for him to put in effort too.. but he doesn't have to do extraordinary things. Its the thought that counts. For example- he doesn't need to go out and buy you a puppy and then teach it some new tricks for you.. he could just lay in bed and serenade you and sing a love song to you. or he could bake some cookies. or even rent all your favorite movies for you 2 to watch together.
If you really want to fix the problem, try telling him that you feel like you're putting in all the effort in the relationship, and you feel like you're not getting anything in return. If he starts blaming it on his injury, cut him off and say he doesn't need to do anything extraordinary. All it takes for you to truly be happy is if he said "i love you" and showed it by doing the small things. If he can't even manage to do that... then I don't think he knows what he wants.
Sometimes you have to let go and run away in order to see who cares enough to come running after you. Its up to you if you want to risk that. but just remember- life is all about taking risks. You gotta risk it to get the biscuit. The greatest hazard in life is not taking any risks at all. So maybe you need to let go and see if he comes running after you. My mom always told me that I need a man in my life who ADORES me and who WANTS to talk to me. If your boyfriend doesn't want any of that.. then maybe he's not the right fit for you.
Good luck and inbox me if you need any more help!
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