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Feelings for my ex
I wrote to you about 2 months ago concerning how to move on after I was the one who broke it off. I'm not sure if you remember, so I'll just reiterate that it's been about 5 months since I broke up with my boyfriend of 2 years because I felt he wasn't ambitious enough. Your advice was wonderful and helped me get through the school year, and I honestly believed that I'd moved on. But now I'm home for the summer, and I saw him again last week at a dinner with our mutual friends; since then I haven't been able to stop thinking about him. I'm afraid that I haven't really moved on and only forced the issue to the back of my mind while I concentrated on school. Seeing him has released a flood of memories and feelings that I thought I'd never have again, and I'm just so confused.
At the dinner, I was rather cold and distant to him because I didn't know how to deal with what I was feeling. I felt horrible afterwards, so I messaged him to apologize and ask that we be friends like we had intended to be after the breakup. He agreed and said he was relieved that I had contacted him because he thought that, judging by my behavior that night, I would never want to see or speak to him again. We chatted for a bit and then the topic turned to our thoughts about getting back together. In a previous talk, I'd told him that I would not consider getting back together with him for a long time. This time, I asked what his thoughts were. He said he would consider it because he believes that anything is possible. The thing is, he also said, "what we had was great, and now that we've both moved on, it's good to be friends." I don't understand how he could consider us getting back together in the future if he's already moved on. Also, I don't know how to deal with these feelings because I don't know if it's him that I miss or just the idea of a relationship. And how was he able to move on so quickly (considering the length of our relationship and how torn up he was about breaking up) while I'm still having difficulty?
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First, congratulations for making it through the school year! I know it must have been difficult. Its totally natural and normal to be feeling these things now that you're seeing him again after so long. You've been apart for a while and seeing each other is bound to bring back memories and old feelings. I don't think its necessarily because you are still in love, but maybe there is still some work to be done on the whole "closure" aspect. Also, I know its hard to understand, but don't be so sure he's moved on quickly. Guys are different. Women take time to heal and when our hearts are broken we retreat and really don't want to be with anyone else until we feel better. Guys are the opposite. They'll go out and find the next person available, just to feel better. So it may seem he's moved on, he may even say it, but its just his way of dealing with his own hurt. Trust me, he's hurting. You guys were together too long for him not to be.
You have to do what you think is right for you and best for your own sanity, but I think you haven't really been able to close the chapter on this just yet. That being said, I don't think you need to spend the whole summer avoiding him. I think spending time together with mutual friends may be a good way to develop your friendship again and really see what feelings come up. Don't place any expectations on anything. This is a good time to just let things flow. You've learned a lot about yourself in this last year. You are more confident and know a bit more about what you want out of life. I believe once you have had the chance to become more comfortable around your ex again you will know what you want and what you don't. And you'll make the right decision when the time comes. So for now, don't sweat it too much. Hang out if you want to. See if a real friendship is in the cards for you or something more or nothing at all. You'll know. Whatever happens, the question you must always ask yourself is "Am I moving forward, or stepping back?" Keep moving forward in your life and you'll be just fine. Try to relax and enjoy your summer with friends and family. Good luck!
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