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I want to know a quick and painless way to die
Before you leave a post here saying "There is so much to live for" please read my story first (although it is a brief exaplaination) and don't waste my time as well as your own, I've already made up my mind.
I've always been a glass half full kind of person. I always looked on the bright side of life no matter what happened.
When I was thirteen my dad had an affair and left my mum for the other woman. Naturally, my mum was devesated. My dad never liked me so I wasn't all that bothered by it, I knew I had to step up and look after my mum and little sister. He left not long before my fourteenth birthday so it wasn't really a happy occasion. I met his girlfriend not long after and it was horrible. I had to hide this from my mum and it wasn't a nice thing to hide as a child. A few months after my dad left, my grandpa (on my mum's side) had a stroke and you can imagine the atmosphere in my house, it was not the greatest at all. Eventually my grandpa passed away and my mum was an even further wreck. By the time he passed away I was fifteen and had managed to get a part time job, cash in hand, to help support us. I was very depressed and still I knew I had to do good for my exams and yet, nothing I ever did seemed to fix my family's problems. We never had enough money, had to sell the house, my sister developed an anxity disorder and through it all, I always had to keep smiling even though I felt like hell on the inside. My mum's job then became unstable and I got a job as soon as leaving school. It was long hours and the pay wasn't great so eventually I took on a second job. The prospect of university or college just wasn't an option.
Despite supporting my mum, she doesn't like me much. I look too much like my dad so she says it's painful to look at me.
However, through it all. I had one constant. I had one person who loved me, cared for me, didn't want to look away from me when I needed them and I loved them dearly. I met him through a friend (right before my dad left) and as he didn't live near by, we conversed online. I am now twenty one - so that was a nine year relationship. Through all the horrible times the two of us endured (his life wasn't easy either), we supported one another and yet, two weeks ago, he committed suicide.
I don't want to live in a world without him. At fifteen I realised I loved him, he was more than just a friend and he felt the same. Yet he wouldn't let us be together, said he wasn't good enough for me and one day he would be and then we could be together. Through all the horrible times in my life, I always held this hope in my heart but now I have nothing to live for. Now that hope is gone and I would like to join him in the afterlife. If one doesn't exist then I have lost nothing as I will no longer exist but if there is an afterlife, I have to go after him.
My mind is made up but I'm scared. My friend jumped off a bridge but everytime I try to do the same, I'm scared of the thought of it not killing me and being kept in some hospital, my body dead but my brain still functioning.
I don't want sympthy, I just want to know what my options are.
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Your last two sentences get to the point of the matter. Every time I get to thinking maudlin thoughts about how it would be better not to be here, I think of the picture I once saw of a botched suicide. They guy blew the bottom of his face off with a shotgun. The rest of him was very much alive. Any method could easily put you in a much worse state (and more helpless) than you are in right now.
What are your options? Well, the best option I can think of right now is to get some therapy from a qualified professional and find some emotional support. Call a suicide hotline or a mental health clinic, or even a regular clinic. They will help you to get in touch with the right people. Taking this option gives you other options, such as becoming healthy emotionally and psychologically and going on to have a fulfilling and productive life. Imagine if your friend had taken this option. He could be alive and healthy emotionally right now, giving him the confidence to be in a relationship with you. But no, he cut off all his options, destroying any possibility of joy and fulfillment. In addition, his action has caused pain, confusion, grief, and hopelessness in the lives of others. It may end up cutting off the future of another life of someone for whom he cared, I wonder if he considered that? I wonder if he would have wanted that?
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Seriously? You really think people will give you advice on pain-free suicide methods?
So what, you have a dysfunctional family, you've lost people through both natural causes and suicide who meant everything to you and you had to support a family. It's called life.
Many people have gone through the same things and worse. My father was brought up in poverty in Hong Kong where his brother was beaten and left for dead by the chinese triad, my aunt was raped, suicides were daily occurances, my grandfather earned nothing working abroad, my grandmother was emotionally messed up and they fended for themselves. My father took care of the family and brought them to Scotland where he has a family of his own with a roof over their head, food in their mouth and unconditional love.
I was physically and sexually abused by a partner in a satanic cult aged 11. My dad didnt know how to be a dad and worked every hour he could and my mother was naive and uninvolved. I was sexually active at 7 years old and spent most of my teenage years in psychiatric hospitals where my parents got to watch me trying to kill myself in front of them 24/7.
There are massive numbers of us globally that suffer and for many it never ends. You had to be the adult looking after the real adults in your family who are emotionally unbalanced and you've lost the people in your life through terrible means who ever gave you something of a normal relationship and who genuinely cared for you.
You lost people and your family is messed up but - as quoted from Dr Cox in Scrubs - "every one of our parents does considerable emotional damage. In reality it could have been much worse."
I have no intention of talking you out of anything; you asked for no sympathy and I wont offer any - i'm presenting the facts of life to you.
Life is about survival, doing what it takes to stay alive. You can either fight for a life that you dream of and that is a reality, do the hard work and make something of yourself or you can simply give up. You've been through traumatic experiences that no child should have to endure. You've had the burden of adult responsibility at such a young age, the innocence of childhood taken; you had a horrible upbringing but you can define your future.
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