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do I need to forgive him, and if so how do I do it?
'kay so basically I live with my boyfriend, R. we've been together for a year and have lived together for 6 months. we've been having a hard time for at least the last 4 months.. fighting ALOT. we honestly just can't seem to help ourselves. but I got pregnant by him, about 3 months ago. at that point we were trying really hard to stay together and make things work, for the sake of the baby which we wanted to keep. while I was pregnant, I found a bunch of things in his e-mail between him and his ex-girlfriend. nothing TOO overtly sexual, and she lives a world away in Australia (we live in Canada). But she was his first love and last girlfriend. They were together for 2 yrs. There were lots of messages between them where he said he 'loved' her, they always would finish there messages to eachother with xoxox, they talked about their sex and love lives to eachother regularly, had pet names for eachother, ect. I was furious, just given the way he conducts himself with me and the fact that he really isn't half affectionate in the way he talks to me. he hadn't even said 'I love you' yet to me, and here he was saying it to some other girl like it was the most natural thing in the world. gross. at first I freaked out, and he wouldn't even admit that there was something wrong with it. he took the stance of she was part of his life, he was doing nothing wrong and I was just going to have to deal. I should have left then but like I said, I was pregnant. eventually he switched his attitude completely around and said that he was willing to stop talking to her, and that he could see how it would make me uncomfortable. but the whole time he maintained that he never ever flirted with her, and if anything had a sibling-like relationship to her. so I accepted his apology and everything went back to normal, until I found a fairly recent message (although he HAS NOT spoken to told me he would stop) where he called her 'sweetcheeks'. I just didn't think that was a typical non-sexual thing to say to your 'little sister', no longer believed what he had said and again was furious. one has to keep in mind that they primarily talked on instant messanger and whatever he said in an e-mail, I'm sure he'd said a thousand times over in chat. when I had agreed to forgive him and let it go, the last thing I asked him before agreeing, was "but it was a sexual thing, right? please, please just be honest with me." he fully denied it. anways so when I spazzed on him the second time, he did cave, he said it was flirting and he was sorry, but I definately had to fish for him to say that alot and basically force the question. he did not want to discuss it and it seemed just wanted it to be over and for me to shut up about it. it's hard to believe he meant anything he said, and he really didn't say much anyways. but he was definately just of the mindset of wanting the fighting to stop, I know that much.
anyways since then I have supposedly 'forgiven' him, I don't bring her up anymore and everything is normal. we are working on fighting less, and have been doing a little better.. for the last couple weeks anyways. it comes and goes. but when I'm away from him, I DO still sometimes brood about all this. I DO feel second choice. there was a long, long time where we were arguing about this (a period of weeks) where he refused to quit talking to her or admit any wrong doing and it seems entirely possible he was just sucking it up and doing what he had to in order to calm me down. we have argued about this tirelessly and I know bringing it up again would end our relationship, but even now when I type about it, I'm crying. I do feel like I mean less then her. I have never really gotten the kind of attention from him that he was giving her. talking to her in that cutesy goddamn way. and talking to her about all her problems, her family life, her sex life, and all his intimate feelings and thoughts. like that's normal. he never opened up to me like that, or asked me intimate questions like that. But I mean he DID quit talking to her, she's no threat anymore, he said everything I wanted him to say. although the day after he blocked and deleted her, which was about a week after I actually asked him to, he flipped his decision again and tried to talk me into letting him add her back but just having him watch what he says. and we had both agreed at that point that it was a trial run and not to fight for two more weeks.. and obviously we did fight about him asking that. maybe I should have just given in but I honestly don't think I would have been okay with it ever. it would be easier to move on now that we've lost the baby but.. should I? or do I just need to learn to be more forgiving? he's a wonderful guy, I love him, when we aren't fighting he makes me deleriously happy. but when I met him he did kind of try to project this image of being a 'good guy', like he was on moral high-grounds compared to most of the guys I might have known. and I did fall for it, he has a mormon upbringing, and when you meet him he comes across as this incredably polite, friendly, likable person. polite above all else. he had me convinced me that he was very uniquely dependable and always did the right thing. I really did think he was like completely innocent of anything and placed him on a pedestal, and fell in love with that image. now I'm just dealing with the reality and the fact that he could have never lived up to the image I had for him. Is this just part of the process when it comes to making a relationship last? will it get better? even when we aren't fighting, like the past few weeks, I still feel upset when he isn't here. I cry. I distract myself so I won't cry by blazing alot, but I'm quitting today, so we'll so how that works out for me lol. am I eventually going to stop feeling this bad? do I just need to focus on the positive and work through it? I've been through alot with this guy and I wanna keep him around if possible. one thing I learned from my pregnancy, is that he is the kind of man who I would want to raise a family with because he does live up to his responsibilities. and he was really supportive and great throughout the whole pregnancy and miscarriage, other than this particular fight which seems to keep coming back. I dunno. What do you think I should do?
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this all sounds like its not a good relationship to be in he continued to talk to this girl after you said that it makes you uncomfortable. so will this relationship last problly not, not the way its going. its better to leave someone then keep up with the fighting. if you guys break up he may find that he does actually love you and that he needs you and thigs will be better or hell just do what he wants. i would want better and if you guys keep fighting about the same things then maybe you should call it quits. loosing a baby is very traumatic and maybe you should seek help. into talking to someone its probally for the best your in a stressful time in your life and very confused really think to yourself alone if you should be with this guy or not you know the answer.
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