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Should I leave my boyfriend?
I am 28 yrs old. I am living with my boyfriend, but most recently I have been thinking about moving back in with my parents. We starting dating in May and I pretty much started staying the night right away. Fully moved in after a months or so. June 15th he asked me to marry him. I said yes. We have known each other since I was twelve because he hung out with my older brother. Didnt see him much after I was fourteen or so. I saw him again when I was 22. I basically slept with him for a few months and then left bec I thought we were too different and that he would never change. The current situation is that I had a lot of doubt about the engagement...that he really loved me. Since he gave me his mothers ring, whom died four years ago (but this ring was from her first marriage which he inherited). I also felt that he couldnt possibly really love me, bec I have depression and lots of anxiety. He wants me to be more independent. Anyway, I convinced myself that he didnt really love me and gave an ex of mine a blow job. Granted it was only for maybe 15 sec...it was crappy to do. I lied about it to my guy then fessed up later. This was nov 4th. My guy is very closed emotionally. Just disconnected/distant a lot. It hurts, but when I tried to discuss this with him in the past, before I cheated, he told me that if I didnt like him the way he was then I could just leave. I love this guy a lot, but he hurts me emotionally all of the time. After I cheated he took me back. He wont trust me/holds it against me. He agreed to go to therapy with me, but we only went once so far. I feel like the more independent he gets the further he distances me from himself. I feel excluded, left behind. It's always been like this. I realize that he lost his dad at 15 and inherited a 100,000. He had no discipline or anyone telling him what not to do...so it's hard for him to relate to others. He just does what he wants. He has changed a lot with our relationship, but it is so draining. I encourage him, I let hiim do his thing, but he never encourages me or is there for me when I really need him. and when I try to talk to him about it, he gets upset. I explain that its not that I dont love him, I just would like him to be kinder sometimes or just give me a hug when Im down. He wants me to do all this on my own. What is the point in being in a relationship if the other person wont lift you up when your down. I know I have depression, I try to be positive...I just have a lot of pain inside that Im working though right now...and he cant relate...bec he's emotionally cut himself away from it all. He told me he's turning himself into a sociopath. He gets more disconnected with every relationship that the girl cheats on him...but its his lack of compassion and general consideration for other people feelings that make all his gf feel left out. I know he has changed a lot and we go to therapy in two weeks, but should I start preparing myself to leave him?
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Hey,
He could of gave you his mothers ring since he knew it meant a lot to her and he hoped it would mean a lot to you. Him asking you to marry him was a big deal for him even if it may not seem like it was. When you ask someone to marry you, you are preparing yourself for a lifetime with that one person only. He had feelings for you whether you believe it or not. It doesn't matter if you have depression or lots of anxiety, what matters is what comes from your heart and he must of saw that when you met up again. He must of wanted you to see yourself as a better person when he wanted you to become more independant. He had faith that you could do it.
Convincing yourself that someone doesn't love you is like convincing yourself that the sky isn't blue or that stars don't shine. Whether you believe it or not, the stars will always shine and people will love you. Even though you lied to him, he still forgave you. Ask yourself this: if he had sex with another women, would you be able to forgive him? It takes a lot of strength to take someone back after being hurt the way he was. It is hard to regain trust once it has been broken. All you can do is tell him that you will be faithful and stick to your word. If you break your word once, he will likely not believe you again. He is trying to fix what is wrong in your relationship, for he agreed to go to therapy (even thought he probably hated the idea).
Sometimes, it is just a guy thing to receive encouragement and not give. Also, a lot of guys don't like to talk about their feelings. If they are upset, they usually keep it to themselves unless they feel it is needed to be brought up. Where you see a problem, a guy tends to see it as not a problem. You say you have tried telling him that you would like him to be more respectful. If he didn't hear you, he must have lost his interest that brought you two together. Respect and a hug is not much to ask for; a guy should be able to give you at least that.
There is not much of a point in a relationship if the other person is not inclined to lift you up when you are down. It should be an equal give/take on both parts. If he is not willing to relate, if he doesn't want to be involved in your emotions and if you feel your efforts aren't helping.. you have done all you can and it may be best to move on. I am glad that you are trying to stay positive through all of this, that can be very difficult. Just know that: anyone can love you no matter who you are or how you feel on the inside, sometimes love comes and goes in a flash (usually for good reason) and if you are not happy you should do whatever is needed to make yourself happy again. Be with the guy who thinks of not only himself, but the person he says he loves. Please let me know how things turn out <3
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