|
humorist-workshop
help me revise this portion of a scene from my novel?
this scene is about a brother who tells his family at the dinner table about his enlisting. his sister, haley, and him are very close.
---
We all look back at him. He clears his throat too, and stares at the table. He refuses to look up at anybody. “I enlisted myself in the army.”
My eyes pop open and my throat literally closes up. I can feel something constricting my throat... now my lungs completely shut. “What?” I cry. “Wait, what did you just say?”
Mason shakes his head. “You wouldn’t get it, Haley.”
I’m speechless. I can’t find words.
How the fuck could he do that?
How could he do that to me? When I need him here more than anybody?
For the first time in my life, I feel this pain in my heart that so many teenagers have felt, that so many poems and songs and movies have emphasized but I’ve never been able to understand. For the first time in my life, my heart is broken.
-----
What do you think should be added, specifically? Description-wise? Dialogue-wise? thanks!
[ ]
Want to answer more questions in the Miscellaneous category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Random Weirdos?
It needs a few minor touches to capture the reader in the moment. It's, sort-of, a little bland even. There's not quite enough to develop the scene in a person's head. Remember, you're painting a picture for the reader.You don't get much emotion out of it at first.
What about something like:
---
We all look back at him. He clears his throat, and stares at the table, almost like a zombie entranced in the idea of fresh meat presented before him. He refuses to look up at anybody as he speaks the words so softly, "I enlisted myself in the army."
My eyes pop open and my throat literally closes up. I can feel something constricting my airways and my lungs are completely shut off from the outside world.
"Wh-What?" I mumble out and begin to cry, as I feel warm tears stream down my cheeks. "Wait, what did you just say?"
Mason shakes his head, his face flushed, "You wouldn't get it, Haley."
I'm speechless. I can't find any words for a worthy response. My mind begins to take off, racing on a drag strip of jumbled thoughts.
I am shocked, and angry, thinking to myself: How the (italicized)fuck(end italics) could he do that? What does he mean I wouldn't (italicized)get(end italics) it? How could he do that to me--when I need him here more than anybody else? What does he think he's doing, tearing us apart like this?
Then, for the first time in my life, I feel this aching pain in my heart that so many teenagers have felt, that so many broken poems, sad songs, and soppy movies have emphasized, but I've never been able to fully understand. For the first time in my life, my heart is broken. It's shattered and torn at the same time. I feel crushed at the thought of him leaving me here, like this.
How could this be happening?
---
]
More Questions: |