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Everything has to be perfect before I can get a boyfriend (looong story)
Is it wrong to feel this way? Like I feel like I have to lose weight to be my perfect weight, and my hair has to be perfect, and everything.. I'm 16 and have never had a boyfriend and its shocking to most other kids I know.. since Im pretty. Im not conceited or anything, though. But I'm also just a weird person I guess. I'm black and I'm into indie rock, and I'm pretty shy with people I don't know very well. I'm not desperate though.. I've had friends who get into relationships with bum guys just because they want to say they have a boyfriend.
I want it to actually have meaning.. but I get so nervous around guys I like. I tend to avoid them cause I don't think they are the right guy but I still have a crush on them, and I do stupid things around crushes. I guess a big part of it is fear of rejection, because what if they aren't into black girls? Cause most of my crushes are on white guys. Especially ones with shaggy hair. Maybe that's a big reason why I feel like I have to get myself to be my perception of perfect.. it is achievable though. I just have to work out a lot over the summer which I need to do anyways to get ready for volleyball season. But I might be being too hard on myself. I mean guys date and marry girls who don't look like models. I say this to myself but the feeling still persists.
I really want to be in love though.. cause when you are in love you just know it right? There's only been 1 time where I really liked a guy enough to want to date him, but I moved to a new town in a different state so I guess I'll never see him again. he was so cute and he was really nice. and our music tastes were in the same ballpark. but I live in the south now... not the northeast. Which probably means I have less of a chance of getting in an interracial relationship, right? since a lot of people here like country and maybe more people are racist. the only country music i can stand is shania twain and sheryl crow. and i haven't experienced any racism here yet
The relationship I want doesnt have to be interracial, but most black people I know are just different from me. (In my life I've crushed on 4 black guys.. one of them being Pharrell Williams haha. he has cool songs and is hot) Im not really into hiphop, rap, r&b, gospel, etc than a couple songs and artists here and there, so I guess a lot of black people think Im weird or something, though nobody has said anything to my face. So Im not attracted to people like that kinda music since music is kinda a big deal. there should be SOME common ground. But to me it doesnt matter what color someone is.. I really think society makes too much of a big deal about "race". I dont even believe in it, I just think we're all people. But I do worry about whether other people feel the same way, so the topic is still on my mind.
Even some white people who listen to rap and etc think Im weird cause they seem to believe thats all black people listen to. (stereotypes = fail) Anyways, Im friends with some black people, but we don't have much in common. Its rare for me to meet another African my age (not descendants of slaves. im an immigrant to america from england btw. nothing against people who are, its just we're different people w/ different cultures...) that I havent met through my parents' friends, hah. I have cousins and we have good times together and everything but they think im weird too since they are into the whole hip hop stuff (they live near baltimore. here i am spouting my own stereotypes but a lot of black people live in their area. and I lived in NJ before I moved to TX, in a pretty diverse area, but it was like 75% white)
Like my mom loves Celine Dion music, Enya music, and Italian opera and my dad loves bands like The Eagles and Smokie so maybe its in my genes. Its probably not a big deal or something.. there are lots of people who are different from stereotypes online but i just dont seem to see people like me in real life.
I hope people don't think Im a sell out or something, or want to be white, just because of what I like. Some white people want to tan, and I've seen some brown people (especially Indians) talk about wanting to be lighter. But I actually love the skin color I am.. and I dont get why people make a big fuss over skin color when 100% of the time they look great the way they naturally are. I have more respect for people who don't get plastic surgery and feel comfortable with their natural self and everything. Also, I love the african culture from my family, and etc. Isnt someone being themselves more when they aren't afraid to go against what stereotypes and society say about you? arent the people afraid of being different the ones who are sell outs? im not saying my way is above theirs.. but people should respect other ways people live and stuff. i dont even fully know myself yet you know? im only 16.
TV needs to change the way they percieve minorities. Especially black people. Its like.. only whites can have different personalities? wtf? I'd like Glee more maybe if the black girl wasn't so stereotypical. Even though pretty much everyone on the show is stereotypes.. but people believe what they see on TV. thats why a lot of people seem to think black people are only a certain way but im certain there are a lot of blacks who differ
but I mean blahhh, its not like i have much in common with most people anyways. sometimes i feel like such an outsider. I'd love to have close friends who I can have multiple interests with. like a lot of friends now its like we just have a few interests or something, which is okay, but its just like.. I don't feel I have anyone who I can really call my best friend, and that annoys me. Im a nice person! and I think I'm pretty interesting, and like to laugh and be silly, have deep conversations, and have fun. there are even bitchy people who have lots of friends! I dont know what Im doing wrong.. this leads to me sometimes being awkward around people or in certain situations cause im kinda socially inept? like some people are soo good at conversations and maybe they dont care and everything cause they are just so used to it but when i talk i tend to be nervous and stuff.. maybe i spend too much time online? im a much better talker online cause you can edit what you say and stuff.. and IRL i guess im impulsive and i feel like i should entertain who im talking to and etc. but ughh.
Another thing with the guy problem is that if I think a guy likes me then I freak out and avoid them too! And then I start liking them again once they like someone else. I dont think its a situation where I like the chase more than the catch though.. I think its like what I said before how I have crushes but I dont think they're the "right guy" still. Its funny cause I said earlier that I avoid guys I like too, so along with the whole fear of rejection is that im afraid of letting a guy know I like them (like that guy who I said I liked and wanted to date before I moved) because Im afraid THEY will be freaked out by it cause they don't like me that way. and then possibly tell their friends and laugh at me behind their backs. my main experience with that was with one guy in 7th grade who i liked until he turned into a jerk (but i didnt like him enough to want to date him) and i tell one of my "friends" and she ends up telling him and he says he only likes blonde girls. wtf? anyways so i always felt awkward around that guy for years cause he kept on being in my classes and he probably was all smug thinking i still liked him. i dont even know if he liked be back cause hed always say things around me but idk if that was flirting or making fun of me. he became really cocky, which is why he became a jerk. i blame that "friend" for even spilling the beans when i didnt even wanna date him anyways, i was just attracted to him! which i dont know how since now i think hes really ugly .ughhh
Another thing w/ interracial relationships is... how would others feel about it? In TX, I havent seen any interracial couples at my school or anything so would it be a big deal? maybe the guy wont want to get into that kind of relationship because he wouldnt want to get jokes from his friends and family or w/e. i have a feeling my parents aren't so pro on it either. im 100% cameroonian and its cool to be 100% something but i dont feel like i must marry another cameroonian. i think the whole thing with biracials feeling weird cause they dont know if they are black or white just highlights how stupid "races" and "stereotypes" are cause people are feeling like they should be part of a certain niche and they just cant be friends with anyone and act anyhow they want.
With friends.. I've had close friends but.. idk if my expectation for friends is too high or what. I dont hang out with people after school though I'd want to, I just don't really get invited to things. In this new town im trying to change all that I guess but Im here rambling because I dont really have anyone else to talk to this about and not feel embarassed about admitting my insecurities. Sorry this is so long and all over the place but yeah.. it would be really helpful if you can talk about anything related to this whole mess and if you have personal experiences with anything related too.. I read every answer and take what you have to say seriously. sometimes it really helps. thanks for reading and thanks if you can respond!! <3
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wow that was long but i totally understand what your saying i mean im african/southern and im like into the same type of guys, music, ideas on stereotypes as you are and i mean i never knew it was possible for someone to be so much like me as for advice let yourself be known you should work on self confidence over the summer cause your never gonna find live unless you put yourself out there, and you dont need to be perfect to find a man because they should love you flaws and all, also youre still young you have plenty of time to find love, as for friends/stereotypes i get wat you mean i only have 2 friends and theyre both white but i'd rather have 2 true friends than 10 fake ones, so you have to decide who those true friends are and basically let fate take care of it, interracial relationships shouldnt be a big deal and it is stupid that race is we cant control who we love but anyways hope this has helped you if you have any questions just visit my column huggs&kisses
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