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Depression.
You answered a question before for me, about how I had to be either depressed or bipolar.. And it's getting worse. I went out last night with a friend, and we had a blast- I fealt normal.. But right when I got home, and was alone... I started thinking would she miss me if I died? Could she? I can't sleep at the moment because my brain won't shut off.
I had such a good day yesterday, how could that girl be me?
I tried telling a friend that I've had thoughts about dying, and instead of trying to reassure me even though I wouldn't believe her anyway she told me she didn't know what to say.. And we haven't talked since. I'm afraid to go to school tomorrow because I don't know how she's going to look at me. It's not suicidal thoughts though...
But I don't know how to tell my mom. Is she going to react the same way Devon did and not be able to talk to me and think I'm a freak? Also, I'm so good at faking it that it sometimes scares me. But I have to try to hard to fool everyone, what if she doesn't believe me?
What if she just thinks it's a cry for attention, especially now. Friday doctors found a lump in my Dad, and the doctor who found it wouldn't tell my dad what it was, but made an appointment with our primary doctor to tell him, and everyone is worried that it's cancer. If it's cancer, how am I supposed to handle that? How do I tell my mom I've been thinking about dying when that's happening to my Dad.
And even if she does believe me, what do I tell my Doctor? Depression runs in my family, my Mom suffers from it, and so has my oldest brother Scott since the age of seventeen. I don't know if that really is heritary...
It's different like this, because I don't know you. You could be judging me, but I wouldn't know it. My doctor though? Being face to face with him and havin to tell him the thoughts that I've lived with for months infront of my mom..
I need help, because I'm tired of being sad and trying so hard to be normal but having no way out. But I don't know if telling her would help anything.
I'm sorry for randomly asking you a question, but I was hoping you would answer this quickly because I'm scared.
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You're not the only person to ever feel like this. I know what it's like though, feeling like someone won't believe you and instead call you a freak and call you an attention seeker. There's a friend of mine who told me straight up that he never knows what to say when someone tells him they're going through something bad and so, I hold back on telling him If ever I'm having negative thoughts, Suicidal or not, but I do tell my therapist and it helps. No matter how big or small, you should tell someone, anyone who is willing to listen.
Sit your mom down and say "so this is how I'm feeling" and explain what's going through your head. There are a lot of people who tell their parents and don't get a helpful response in return, and that doesn't mean they don't believe you or don't care about you, they just don't know how to react. Don't be afraid to seek counselling if you feel like your friends or family aren't listening. Yes, they are strangers, but they are trained to handle people's problems and they do not judge.
It's terrible what your Dad is going through and I'm sure he has a lot of support, but it's not good to hold in your feelings, because they will get worse and eventually you'll snap. I never told my Mom or Dad what I was going through, instead my teachers read something I wrote and decided to get my parents involved, and even then, my mother didn't care much because she has severe bipolar so I felt the need to put my feelings aside to run to her rescue, and It put me on the edge because I too needed help, but I never got it until I got worse with my thoughts. Both you and your Dad can have support at the same time. It's not about who's problem is bigger that needs more attention.
I know what it's like to think "Would they miss me if I died?", I think it all the time, but I know I have people who care about me and who would miss me if I died. Some days, I just don't want to talk to anyone because I think "What's the point?". I also sometimes feel like my doctor is judging me but I know he can help by referring me to a therapist or even talk to me about it a little. Doctors are there to help, not judge and it may feel like they are judging, but really, they aren't doing anything but worrying. When I went out with a guy, I always thought he didn't care because he was a bit distant but later on I told him in the heat of the moment(more like yelled it) "This is me. This is how I'm feeling and I need your damn help", and he did help. Some people just need to be told straight up. Never be afraid to ask for help.
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