|
Sometimes I want to die. No one knows how I feel, and although I know people care about me, it's never enough. About a year ago my best friend who I depended solely upon stopped being my best friend because of a complicated situation. Shortly after, I got together with my now ex boyfriend and it lasted nearly a year. He is currently my "best friend". I felt and still often feel betrayed by him. Because people tell me that they care about me, but it's never enough. I'm always left alone and I feel so alone even when I'm with my friends. Sometimes I feel dead already because I am so out of it. I have problems with food too and when I eat too much I hate myself for it. But sometimes I can't stop eating. Sometimes I don't eat. I feel like I'm a fraud and that's why people don't love me forever. I feel like the people close to me will eventually see me as bad and then leave me. Everyone else just seems to be so secure and able to be normal and it seems like I'm just not meant to be like everyone else. When I'm alone it's almost like I'm not alive anymore. It's people that can make me feel somewhat complete, but these people aren't always going to be here for me. They are going away to college and I'll still be in high school. I just don't know what to do anymore.
[ ]
Want to answer more questions in the Health & Fitness category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Mental health?
Darling you seem to be suffering from a very serious form of depression and even clinical depression depending on how long this has been going on for. About 2 years ago was when I started developing depression and it's taken me that long to get back to a normal life.
I know how you feel because I was having family problems, all of my friends were distant, the first guy I fell in love with told me out of nowhere that he didn't love me anymore and left (I haven't seen him since then). It felt like I had fallen into a bottomless pit and there was no where to go but down. I still had one friend which I dated for over a year but he moved away and suddenly I had no one again.
There was one moment though that really has defined my life so far and I hope it helps you. One night, right before my first trial exams for my final year at high school (which was only a few months ago) I had a mental breakdown. No one knew and I believed no one cared. I started crying and couldn't stop, I have never been so incredibly emotionally wrecked in my entire life. Desperately I searched online for some kind of help but I was too afraid to call anyone and too ashamed. Suddenly I came past this blog with a question asking how to get out of depression.
A young girl, about 15 had answered it. She said she suffered clinical depression and almost killed herself several times. After one near-fatal over dose she said to herself, lying in the cold hospital bed feeling like she'd just been hit by a train, "I can't die till I see morocco."
I live my life by this line. Pick one thing, one thing you wish you could do or see before you die. My dream is to be a writer. Whenever I'm standing at the edge of that bottomless pit I think to myself, "I can't die till I write a book, I can't die till I become a writer."
It's hard but find that one thing, your one dream that above all you want. It might be to travel somewhere wonderful, to see something amazing. I started thinking more about what I wanted out of life and what the epitome of happiness would be to me. I thought of looking down at cold snow, something I've never seen before. I thought about touching it and what it would feel like, the texture, the cool touch. I thought about looking up and seeing a perfect pine tree, just dusted with white snow, standing by itself in a beautiful valley with mountains in the background.
Every time I stress out and feel like I'm about to break down I think about that moment that I need to have before I die. I think about it like im there, every detail, and I smile and know one day I will see that place and that I won't die until I do.
You need to know that people do care about you, I don't even know your name, where you live, who you are but I care about you! Your a wonderful, beautiful person and people love you exactly how you are. Thinking positively sounds silly but it really does work, even if you just find one little thing about yourself that you like, like... your lips or your legs. I'm a chubby girl but I look at myself every day and think to myself that I'm beautiful exactly how I am. I use to torture myself about how I looked and sometimes I still get upset, but when I started to notice my qualities and understand my true self I realised I wasn't that bad.
I'm not insinuating you feel the same way as I did, but when I was feeling this way I felt that when people became distant or moved away, it was like my personality or a part of myself had gone. When I was with people I worried so much about being imperfect that I was never comfortable being myself.
Over the past 7 months though I have gone through hell and back but you can and will claw your way out as long as you really believe you can. About the personality and understanding yourself thing, what made me feel better about myself was sort of making over myself. I changed my hair just a little by adding some layers to frame my face. I bought some clothes that accentuated my features and hid the unflattering ones. I started thinking about what I liked and what I wanted to do as a career. I thought about things like where I see myself in 5 years and stuff like that.
Your still in high school and that was the hardest part about being depressed because it's not just hard to reach out but hard to feel comfortable. Stick to it though, and when you graduate you'll see the difference between school life and adulthood.
People do know how you feel because so many people have been through exactly what your going through. If nothing I've said has helped and I don't relate to you at all, please research the beyond blue and other depression websites to find your local oganization and number. I was too afraid to call them and that's what took me so long to get over it. Talk to your school counselor and even a teacher you respect and trust, they're there to help you!
When I say you mean something to people and that they care about you, I mean it with every bit of my soul. People do care and they're just waiting for you to come to them so they can help you.
I just want you to know it's not the people your around that should make you happy, it's you being yourself completely and being comfortable with not only your body but your personality that makes you feel at peace. Your such a beautiful person and you need to look at yourself and see that. I believe there is a reason your here on this planet, your not just another person or a nobody, your a beautiful person that deserves to live, to be happy and to enjoy life.
I hope I've helped you even in a tiny way. If you need to talk to someone or just need someone to listen you can always talk to me. I should have my email on my page, if not i'll put it up after I submit this.
]
More Questions: |