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torn #3 / i miss matt. help
hey. i dont know if you remember helping me out a couple of weeks ago about this situation, but i hope you reading this will help you remember.
WittyUsernameHere answered Tuesday October 20 2009, 7:38 am:
Welcome to your first adult decision. Don't take it lightly.
A lesson in guys and girls. You're biologically pre-programed to form emotional bonds around sex. Its pretty much automatic for 90% of women, and while age and experience can work towards combating that, you have neither at your disposal.
Guys, on the other hand, have much more ability to separate sex and emotion.
I cannot for the life of me think of any reason you'd still be talking to this guy, and yet at the same time I understand. He was you first, you feel connected, even if the connection isn't really there or is one sided. The problem with this idea is its incredibly unhealthy.
A little harsh reality wake up time. This guy finds you annoying. He finds you annoying because he doesn't give a shit outside of sex, and yet he comes around because the fact is that teen guys don't pass up on free easy sex of any kind. Thats why you get no attention except to come over and get head.
The bottom line of this is that nothing you can do will make you anything but a sex toy to him. Nothing.
Its time to stop. Completely. There won't be a turn-around, there won't be a magic moment where he realizes he loves you. This is the real world, you will continue to trade sexual favors for attention until you are too disgusted with yourself to continue.
This isn't what relationships are. Why are you settling for this? You know, anyone is better than this. Everyone is better than being used. The trick is, its sometimes hard to feel that way. Hard to feel likable, desirable.
If you don't feel it, fake it. You need standards, and you need them fast.
I want you to make a list for yourself. Ten things that are important to you in how a guy would treat you. What do you WANT out of a relationship? Now, not later. Go get a pen.
Hopefully thats done. Read your list. Does this guy do any of them? Probably not. I'm hoping you can't reason your way around to thinking he does something for you other than exist.
Those are your new standards. Find a guy who meets some or all of your criteria. When you go on a date, go out, look for those signs. Look for a guy to show interest in what you say. Look for a guy who likes to do things that AREN'T sex with you. Look for a guy who shows genuine care for what you think and feel. If he doesn't measure up, he isn't worth your time. Better to be alone than be used.
If you decide to write back, I've got a tiny bit of homework for you.
I want to know why you still talk to this guy. A list of reasons. Why you don't look for someone else. And I want your list of things you look for in how you're treated.
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alright since you asked me these questions towards the end of our response, ill answer them
well number one, ive decided that im not texting him anymore, i will only respond if HE texts ME first. which..hasnt happened in a week so..i dont think its going to happen for a while. at least not until hes done with the new girl hes moved onto. yup. wanna hear the whole story? its a little lengthy buttt..for you to understand why im so frustrated lately youll need to read this first.
SO- first day of school. he came over my house right when i got home. hes in college but he goes to county. anyways, ive been sneaking around my moms back the whole summer with boys and not once did i get caught. until now. yepp she came home and walked into my room and saw him on my bed and she start screaming her brains out at him and he just got up, walked past her and said, "..im..sorry..?" and walked out. i got grounded for a month, i should have been the one who was pissed about my mom coming home but guess what..he was. he wouldnt talk to me for a few days and he said to make it up to him i need to have a three some with him. i said what if i cant find someone to do it with..he said, then your screwed. which is bullshit..but anyways i offered to let him fuck me as hard as he wants, to make it up to him. i knew i didnt do anything wrong but..i wanted him to be happy. the next night he was supposed to come pick me up and i was going to sneak out, but things didnt work. whatever.
things stayed the same for a while after that, until one day i left my phone at home. my mother went thru my texts and found the naked pictures he was making me send him, she also found his number. she called him while i was at school [i didnt know until i got home] and threatened to break his legs if he went near me again. i got home later that day and freeeakedd outttt. i was having a melt down. i even cancelled my plans that night because i was so worked up. i texted him asking what was going on [i didnt know yet] and he responded with dont talk to mee. so i kept trying to ask him what was happening and i kept getting the same response. dont talk to me im done dont text me again GOODBYE
of course this killeddd me. for weeks i couldnt forget about it.
one day i was on facebook and he randomly IMed me saying he was sorry about what happened and that he was scared. he said he could get into a lot of trouble. i told him he didnt do anything illegal so technically..he cant get in trouble. we agreed to talk again. i was so happy, that made my entire WEEK. until later that night. he started asking me for pictures again and of course i gave in. then after i said to him, why did you start talking to me again and he said, i dont know to have things back to normal and i said yeahh it was weird not talking to you since weve been talking like everyday since the begining of the summer and just when i thought everything was going great he decided to say, yeahh but i like someone soo.. and as soon as i read that my heart stopped beating for a second. and i just started bawling. i was crushed. why the fuck was he asking me for pictures if he liked someone? he said they were going to out soon. i couldnt bear to listen to anymore and thankfully he decided to go to bed after that. the next day he asked me for another picture..i said what about your girlfriend? he told me that they werent going out yet so it didnt matter. ...bullshit, but whatever.
now, here is another thing i need to tell you before continuing my story. so, theres this boy..his name is matt. i started talking to matt a little after i started talking to that guy. me and matt hooked up the whole summer, he really really liked me. i could tell. and hes said it before, so. but during the times that i was hooking up with matt..i was fooling around with the other guy. and matt didnt know. now, i know thats bad. and i feel like shit because of it. but we werent going out..but then again its still a terrible thing since matt thought i liked him too. and i did..just..not as much as he liked me.
anyways, i didnt find this out until about a week ago, but, matt found out about me and that guy. because that guy and matt are both voulenteet firefighters in the same fire house. the day that the guy started talking to me again, he told me that he met matt. and then i got it out of him that he told matt that me and him had sex and i sent the guy pictures. i tried making the guy feel like shit but obviously he didnt care. i was devistated. i then realized that THAT was the reason matt had been ignoring me for a week. and THAT was the reason all of his friends were looking at me funny.
i miss matt so much. although he did get on my nerves and i wasnt really sure if i liked him as a friend or more, i still miss him. last week, i texted him a really long nice text [this was after trying to confront him like twice in one week but he just told me not to worry about it and walked away] so i sent a text saying, look. i know you dont wanna talk to me. but i just dont think its fair that you stopped talking to me after something that was left unsaid and i just really dont think its fair after all weve been through. and after 5 hours, he decided to text back saying, "send pics and we can." ...alright. matt is NOTT that kinda guy. example: i once said to him that he could do whatever he wanted to me and he said, but are you sure..? i dont wanna do that, ill feel bad. he isnt that kind of guy. trust me. hes very sweet and sensitive. so, when he sent me that..i realized that it was monday night. and monday nights they have meetings at the fire house. i then realized that matt and that guy and all of there friends were probobly all togethor talking about it. as soon as i said no to matt, that guy texted me asking for a pic. i immediatley knew he was with matt but he denied it, obviously.
so now..i dont know what to do. my friend thinks the reason matt is ignoring me and not wanting anything to do with me is because hes probobly really upset and my friend is saying i hurt him. i agree...but why isnt he getting mad at me for it? instead hes acting like we never met and pushing me out of his life. i dont think its fair. i miss him so much and theres nothing i can do about it. nothing. he wont talk to me, he wont respond to my texts. i feel powerless about this..i really wish i could change this..me and him even had a freindsgip. we hung out like everyday in the summer. i need him you dont understand. and i dont wanna keep going back to him, hes probobly getting fed up and annoyed with me at this point. and who knows if he even likes me anymore..he said he didnt when he first started ignoring me, but i dont believe that. i think he still likes me, because he was practically like in love with me the whole summer, he reaaally liked me. you cant just stop liking someone because they cheat on you. you still like them, your just hurt. but i know he still likes me..righht? what do you think...and do you think i can get him back??
please please help me. im desperate at this point.
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I can't help you. I said alot, and I can tell that none of it penetrated. You offered some guy named Matt "do anything you want to me"
What is that? Why are you so starved for attention that you'll send pictures to a guy who obviously doesn't like you? You come off as pretty desperate when you do shit like that.
When you feel the need to use sex to make people like you, there is a problem. You need to speak to someone professional, because none of my advice is going to work. Start with a school counselor if you need to, theres really just no way I can untangle what you've got going right now.
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