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I'm a married woman cheating with a married man
I think you understand exactly where I am coming from with the situation with my husband. The reason I am still with him is because I made a vow "for better or for worse", I remember how our relationship once was, it was great and I keep telling myself that things wil return to the way they once were. Another reason I don't want to leave him is because he has a son that I have accepted as my own since he was three months old. I moved out of the house on several occasions before and it really affected him. He shut down in school and even stopped eating. My third reason is that I don't want to go through the process of starting all over again. I talked to my husband about the way he treats me and he is trying to make some process but I think my heart belongs to this other guy even though I know it can be unhealthy. I keep telling myself that this extramarital relationship can have nothing but negative effects. If we are found out we will be destroying two families and I don't really want to see this happen. But when I am with my husband I keep comparing my husband to this other guy and by far this other guy comes out on top in all aspects except that I don't get to see him when I want. I have so much invested in my marriage and my finances are even tied up at this times. I were to leave my husband I would have no where to go and would have to start all over from scratch. That's why I decided to stay. We have been trying to have kids for the past nine years and we were unsucessful, my husband has refused to even go and get a sperm test done. I want kids more than anything and since my husband doesn't want to cooperate I am hoping that I get pregnant by my lover. My husband does want to have kids but I think he is afraid of what the test will show since he is a marijuana smoker. I think he is VERY selfish to my feelings as he already has kids and I accepted his son as my own. I have been trying to get him to take the sperm test for nine years now and he has refused, so I don't think that I am wrong for wanting to get pregnant even if it is by someone else. I think if my husband really loves me he would do whatever it takes to make me happy. My lover asked me why I didn't have any kids and I told him of the situation, he likes to have sex with me without condoms so I think he really wants to get me pregnant and if it happens i will not mind. What's your take on this situation?
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I completely understand where you are coming from. Leaving a husband and a life behind is probably one of the most difficult things to do. But what you have to think about is your happiness. Aer you truly happy? It doesnt sound like you are. You dont want to live your life wondering what if.
I think that you really need to sit down and weigh out your options. Make a list of pros and cons of staying with your husband vs. leaving him. Of course its hard to start from scratch and get your life back together, but it is possible. Many women have done it. Think about women who have controlling husbands who abuse them. They are put in such a horrible position of either leave or continue to be abused and controlled. Sure, some women just cant bring themselves to leave, for whatever reason. But there are women that do leave and yes, they struggle and yes, life may get worse before it gets better, but in the end, they make it. They are survivors. Now your situation isnt exactly that critical but your happiness should be one of the most important things to you. And no one can make you happy, but you.
You mentioned some reasons as to why you are still with your husband. Yes, you did make a vow to him. "For Better or For Worse." Try putting the shoe on the other foot. If your husband wasnt happy with you, would you rather him stay with you and be miserable and have an affair to try to make himself happy, or would you rather him leave? I could be wrong, but I would think that you would rather him leave, rather than just stay because he make a vow.
You mentioned that you keep remembering how amazing your relationship was in the beginning, and basically just hoping that it be like that again someday. But do you really want to wait for a "someday" that may never come. If things were going to go back to the way they were, they would have by now. And I say that because of the fact that you have talked to your husband about the issues you have with your relationship, and things still havent changed. Yes, he may be trying, but from my experience, what happens in those situations is that the trying eventually stops. Now there is a chance that your relationship may be different, but the probability of it is unlikely.
Another reason that you gave is because of his son. It is very commendable of you to have taken him in the way you have and for him to be something that you consider in your thought process of what to do. I'm sure it would be very difficult to leave a child behind that you almost consider your own, but the fact of the matter is that he is not your child. He is not your responsibility. And if you left, yes he might be upset for a while, but he would get over it. I dont know what age the child is but especially if he is younger, he will be fine. There are to many families in the world that have step parents that the children grow attached to. And there are many cases that the step parent leaves. I have a step mother who has been in my life since I was 6 years old and I grew very close to her. She left my dad when I was in 7th grade. Was it hard for me? Absolutely. Did I miss her? Terribly. Did I cry? Yes, often. But after about 6 months, I accepted it. So if you did end up leaving, you can rest assured that he will be fine.
Another reason you had was that you dont want to start over again, which is completely understandable. Like I said, leaving a life behind and starting over is one of the hardest things one might have to do in their life. But it can be done. It is possible. You can survive. And you are right, your situation can be unhealthy and it can have negative affects. But if the end result is your happiness, then that seems worth it to me.
As far as the situation with having children, that is a very big deal. That is something can causes many relationships to fail. It is very important for a husband and wife to have the same views on children for a marriage to be longlasting and happy. It they dont agree on that subject it often causes hostility between husband and wife and ends in divorce, which is why its very important to discuss the subject of children before getting married. Now, if you've been trying to get your husband to get his sperm checked for 9 years and he still refuses, chances are it will never happen. And yes, getting pregnant by someone else is an option, but what will you tell your husband? Will you tell him its his? Is that a secret that you will be able to keep with you for the rest of your life? And what about the child? Will you be able to allow them to go their entire life thinking that your husband is their father, when in fact he is not? Or would you tell your husband that he is not the father? And if you did that, what affects would that cause? There are so many different things to think about before you go ahead and do that. It might seem from the surface like a quick fix to your problem. You get pregnant, let your husband believe the child is his, and live happily ever after. But in reality, its not that simple. All I'm saying is that that is something you really need to think about.
I want you to understand that Im am not trying to convince you to leave your husband. Thats not my goal. My goal is for you to be the happiest person you can be. And if you believe in your heart, that you would be happier staying in your marriage, than going thru the stress of leaving, then that is what I would want you to do. But of course, this is a very big decision that has alot of variables and cannot be made over night. It is going to take a lot of thinking and soul searching to come up with the best solution to the problem. But just remember that everything is possible and your happiness needs to be the most important thing to you. If its not important to you, it will never be important to anyone. I am here to help you along the way with whatever you need.
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