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Relationship with mom
I am an 18 year old girl who has been having problems with my mom for a few years now. I just don't know what to do about it because it is just so confusing. For instance, my mom always has to be right. If our family gets into a small disagreement, like what color Christmas lights to use, she turns it into a huge dilemma, making my sister and I take sides and it is just stupid. Mostly it is directed at my dad and me. She asks me which I like best, and if I say hers she makes me keep repeating it over and over again, saying it louder so my sister can hear, etc. And were still talking about it six hours later (why does the tree look so good? And who chose those lights?). If I agree with my dad, she thinks I'm saying that because I like him more than her, but I'm not that bad! So I only get into things if I agree with her. If I refuse to get involved she gets mad at me for not taking her side. And she will be miserable about it for days, no exaggeration.
But one of the main things that bothers me is the guilt trips. A few weeks ago it was my 18th birthday. I wanted to go out to lunch with a friend. At that time of day, I had no other plans and my dad said it was okay. But when I asked my mom she said, 'You mean you'd rather spend time with her than with us?' Now, I get good grades and I have nice friends. All I wanted was maybe two hours.
I feel like it is my fault too, because sometimes I just want to tell her what I really think, and sometimes I will get so frustrated because nothing I try ever works. I say something out of anger and she's miserable for even longer, taking everything out on my dad and me. I am mad at myself but at the same time I know there is only so much a person can take. I don't know.
She makes up her own rules for how to behave and interprets everything the wrong way. My dad can't say anything at all without her getting mad and talking about how we would be happy if she were dead, but she goes around yelling at him talking about how incompetent he is and how she would be better off doing everything herself. And if we say something to her, she takes it as meaning something that is the complete opposite or totally unrelated to what we said.
My dad wanted to take her to a doctor, because he thought something was wrong with her psychologically. He was really considering it. The only reason why he didn't was that he doesn't really believe that psychology can really help someone. He doesn't believe in it.
I feel awful because of what I say and because of what I think. Last year my mother went out of state for a few days to visit her sister. It was just my dad, sister, and me in the house. I hate admitting it, but my life was surprisingly stress-free when that happened. It's not like I'm wishing her dead or anything, but I don't think I should feel that way. I also recently started talking to a woman who is about my mother's age. She has become like a friend to me and I feel really comfortable when I am around her. Sometimes when things are bad I wish she was my mom. But I shouldn't feel that way because my home situation really isn't all that bad. It could be a lot worse. I just hate the way I feel.
I know these sound like really small things, but they happen on a daily basis in varying degrees. If you could just give me your opinion on the situation or what I should do, I would appreciate it. Thank you. =]
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First of all i would like to say that you're not alone. Me and my mother did not get along well at all last year. It may seem like it won't happen and maybe it will take a few tries, but don't give up. I believe your mom loves you enough to feel hurt or at least a little sad when she sees her daughter (you) upset and stressed. it may not seem that way, but she probably does. Maybe one day it could just be you and her alone and say "mom i really need to talk to you." sit her down and talk about how you feel. don't get angry or attack her on things she does, because that might make her angry and start drama again on your family. tell her what you really think about how she handles situations. also tell her how you think you could better the situations you get into with her so she doesnt feel like she's the only one to blame. if she sits quiet or seems to agree with you, get more in-depth and talk about certain situations that really hurt you or you think would be a better way to handle it.
if you tried many times and she simply does not want to talk, write her a note. a nice, angry-free note explaining your feelings. put it somewhere you'll know she'll read it alone so she'll have no one to complain to while she's reading it. if she reads it at night, she may think about it more, im not sure if that applies to her but most people i know think more before they go to sleep.
i know your dad doesnt believe in psychology, i don't know if counselors apply, but maybe to help you destress you can talk to a counselor/psychologist or even that older lady you were talking about. find someone to share your feelings so that you aren't wound up as tight.
im sorry you have to go through this, but i think it could get better if you make her realize how it makes you feel. maybe you could get your sister to talk to her also.
i know how stressful it can be, im only in the 7th grade and i've seen plenty of divorces, break ups and fights to last a lifetime, but it can get better. me and my mom have a pretty stable relationship now ever since i told her how i feel about everything that's been happening. i see a counselor each week to destress and it really helps.
if you want, give it a try, and see how it helps!
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Well ... !!!
No it's not that small, i have the same problem but it's WAY bigger than yours, My mother is a bipolar, yeah she has bipolar disorder, and also alcoholic/drug abusive but i never give her the chance to ruin or control my life, and that's why i'm not miserbly about it, i just feel sorry for her and now i'm kind of used to fighting with her, it's becoming a habit as crazy as it sound it's true. If we don't fight our day isn't normal but i don't have a father's support. She is crazy and i'm just crazier. :D
Anyway, i think i have a great idea for you...
You gather your sister/father and talk to them about it. Because i believe your mother has issues and your her family, your supposed to help and that would also has benefits for your own comfort.
Gather up, talk about it. And then you can suggest to get your mother and tell her what's bothering you at home. Suggest professional help or just you can help her.
You shouldn't feel awful, because a mother is made to raise and make sure her child is happy. And it's okay to have hate towards your mother, but it's not really hate, it's just disagreement. But if you don't deal with it, it will affect BIG problems later on.
And what kind of mother doesn't let her 18 years old daughted (who is an adult) to go out with her friends on her 18th birthday. I'm sorry but that's really harsh.
You have to talk to your mother and tell her how childish she is, and make her understand even if it's forcefull, even if you have to YELL to her face and make her cry, she just needs to understand. But don't forget your father's support.
Good Luck=]=]
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