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Is He Really Into Me Or Just Playing Games?
In every girl's life she has a first love. A guy who will always have a profound impact in her life. I met my first love during the summer of 2008.
On July 23rd 0f 2008, I left for MEPS. I was getting ready to enlist in the Army Reserves. A guy caught my eye, I brushed him off, he wasn't my type anyway. Besides he looked like he was 25, he probably has a wife and kids, I thought to myself.
The next day I had physicals, that was the first time that I started realizing that military men found me to be attractive. Matt, an 18 year old guy, approached me. I thought that he was really cute and he was a great sweet talker, he was the player type and he was just trying to get laid. I could tell but I wasn't really looking for love, either.
After my physicals, I headed to MEPS Hall to wait for one of the recruiters to pick me up and drive me home. At MEPS, I started talking to T, who was talking to J. J and I started talking and the chemistry between us was amazing,
I thought that he was a really great guy and wanted to be friends with him. He thought that I was absolutely crazy and wanted to know what drugs I was taking.
M joined us in MEPS, but went to play games with his friend, a fellow marine, G. So, I spent time talking with J. J was pretty great, he was teasing me, and he made me smile. It was obvious that he really liked me and I could tell, but I only viewed him as a friend. He started talking about suicide, he was going to kill himself in three days, I really didn't want him to do that so I asked him what I could do to prevent him from killing himself. He told me that if I kissed him, that would be really great.
J gave me his number, I really wanted to hang out with him. He seemed like he would be a really cool guy and I wanted a friend like that. I could tell that he was really depressed, he was hurt over his grandmother's death, she had died 9 years ago and had a memorial tattoo to prove that. I wanted a memorial tattoo for my grandfather, who died when I was 11.
I was kind of nervous about calling people at this point, I wasn't one to talk on the phone with anyone that much at all. So I finally called Joe two weeks later, I was crying over Matt who didn't remember me, which really hurt me. What was I expecting? I don't know.
“Hey, whose this?” J said.
“Hey, this is K, I don't know if you remember me.”
“K, yes I do.”
I was crying, I think that J might have asked me what was wrong, but I don't remember.
“M doesn't remember me. Is there something wrong with me? Why does every guy do this to me? Am I ugly or something?”
“No, there's absolutely nothing wrong with you.” He started talking to me about Matt, said that maybe Matt was mad at me that I hadn't called him.
I cried for a little bit, and I asked him what was new with him.
“Well, I have a girlfriend now.”
“Really? Is she pretty.”
“Yes.” Somehow he mentioned to me that she was 25 and had a 2 year old kid, that didn't sound like a good match for him, he was only 18.
We did not talk for a little while after that. I wanted to ask him to hang out, but I was still nervous about calling people. I had a phobia of phones. Joe brought that phobia out of me, he would always call me all the time and we could talk for hours, the chemistry was that great. One day, Joe told me, “We've been talking for an hour, we could definitely date.” We were practically addicted to each other, he always made me happy and I always made him happy. He eventually broke his engagement with his ex-fiancee.
One day, he told me that he was in love with me. “K, I've been meaning to say this since the first day I met you. But I've been too nervous to, I uh-”
I was a little bit nervous to say I love you, I didn't think that I loved him. Maybe I really, really liked him, but I didn't think that I loved him yet. No, I didn't think that I loved him until he finally slept with another girl, or well I thought that he had slept with another girl. We were both horny and I was kind of jealous, because I always thought that it was something that we would do together. I didn't think that I had any reason to be jealous or angry, he wasn't my boyfriend yet and that was my fault, he knew that I liked him at that point but we were going to wait until January when he was supposed to get out of basic training for our relationship to begin.
The night of September 9th, he called me. I told him that I was hurt that he had slept with another girl. He told me that he was sorry, and I told him that I loved him. He said that I already knew how he felt, and asked me if I wanted to go serious with him. I said yes, we both agreed that we weren't going to sleep with other people. I could make him horny just by talking to him, just the sound of my voice.
While he was in basic training, things were amazing. I mean seriously amazing, he wasn't only my boyfriend but my best friend. He would write me sweet and adorable letters, he wanted to marry me because apparently I was an amazing girlfriend as far as he was concerned, and I he was an amazing boyfriend. It was obvious that he was in love with me.
He called me on December 16th and 17th, telling me that he was going to come home from basic training. He really didn't have long to talk to me, because he had other stuff to do, but I thought that, that was adorable. He had gotten injured and he was coming home on December 18th.
We talked later on in December, he told me that he wanted to see me. I wanted to see him too, I asked my parents when I could see him. He was supposed to go to our family Christmas party, the night after the party when I got back home he told me that he was sorry, but he overslept. I said that, that was okay, I didn't think that, that there was anything up with that. He was probably really tired.
Then on December 24th, he told me that he had done a lot of thinking about this and thought that he wasn't mentally stable, wanted to help himself, he had tired to kill himself previously, so that way his mom could have money. I knew that it was difficult for him, he was the oldest of three kids and didn't really know where his life was going, he didn't want to be in the army anymore because he didn't like it. He dumped me, telling me that it had nothing to do with his feelings for me.
I said okay, it hurt and I didn't want him to stay broken up with him, so we got back together. We got back together for a couple of days, I thought we were fine on the 27th and the 28th, but soon after that we weren't. He told me that he wanted to be alone and to leave him alone. I didn't, I kept on chasing him, because I wanted to hold onto him. He had promised me that he would never let me go in basic training, and it hurt me a lot. I wasn't aware of his intimacy/closeness issues, I thought that he was just doing this because he wasn't feeling well.
I wrote him a letter in January, and he responded back to it saying that he wanted to get back together. A week later, I broke up with him because he started acting like a jack ass. Sure, he was an amazing boyfriend and was doing a lot of amazing things for me, but one night he treated me like shit saying that he was no longer sugar coating things. Apparently, he had cheated on me and he had more feelings for the girl than he did for me, he was confused and didn't know what to do. I dumped him, he acted like it was what he wanted, he told me that he wasn't happy in a relationship. I told him, “Don't ever say that you love me again.”
He continued to push me away, I would tell him that when he started acting like a real man, and wasn't going to walk all over me to contact me. I finally went, when he mentioned that he had a new girlfriend that Tuesday, and that we had too many problems and didn't want to get back together. Our problems were fighting, we had only had one fight as a couple, C, who I later found out didn't exist, and a lot of other little things. He wanted me to get the fuck out of his life, apparently, because his new girlfriend didn't want him to talk to any girls. He told me that she was the only one for him and all this stuff. He had liked her for two years, which was weird considering that before he had told me that I was his one and only, the most beautiful girl that he knew, and all this stuff.
On Valentines day, he sent me a really romantic gift. It was a bottle full of rose petals with a poem inside. It was really sweet, I text him to say thank you, and that I wanted to talk to him. He called me later on so that we could talk, and I told him that I wanted him to stop lying to me, that I could forgive him for C. He was surprised, and he told me that, that poem was how he felt about me. It was actually weird for him to send me a gift like that considering that he apparently had a girlfriend at the time, and all this stuff. For awhile, he wouldn't let me dump him, he didn't want me to leave him. We talked about C, he told me that he wanted her until he found out that she had AIDS, but before that he had given me another story telling me that he was over her from day one of their relationship and wanted me back. To be honest, he probably was hiding closeness/intimacy issues for a really long time, but thought that by lying to me he could cover it up. He basically wants to give off the tough strong guy persona, I think, but it isn't work for him.
The day before he got back from basic training, he called me just because his step dad said that I was looking for him. My mom said that it seemed like he had lost track of time. I called him, when I got back home from school and we talked for awhile. He told me that he really wanted to see me, and have sex with me on my birthday, I wanted to give him my first time.
The day after that, he pushed me away. We got into a fight about sex, sex in a relationship hadn't been an issue to him previously at all. He told me that he wasn't going to go 4 months without sex. And made up an excuse about the reason why I couldn't go down to see him for my birthday. The night before he had told my mom and myself that he really wanted to see me.
I could tell that this C story was really fishy, because the story was constantly changing and he was apparently losing it to a girl that had AIDs. When we first got together, I said that I would never hide anything from him and he would never hide anything from me. He asked me if I had an STD or anything, I said no. And apparently ,he wasn't even talking to her, he had even bad-mouthed her. And Sam, the other girl that he had supposedly hooked up with, was like a little sister to him which I honestly do believe.
Honestly, looking at it, it's very apparent that he has intimacy/closeness issues, yet he loves me. Which he's finally admitted to me, although he hasn't admitted to loving me yet, although I think that he still does. Just based on his behavior, he'll me to get out of his life but he's going through a really hard time right now, he just got discharged from the service and feels like he has nothing. And, I'm confused with how to break down those walls when all he wants to do is hide from me. He doesn't want me to even talk to him. Which is honestly weird, considering that I did nothing to him. Someone told me that I'm clingy, yet I don't think so, I did text him a couple of days in a row because I thought that he was coming home from basic training (he had left me text messages), and I left 4-6 messages on his myspace over the course of a month just because I missed him and wanted to talk to him. I think that he's struggling with his fear of getting close to me, and his feelings for me, and I really don't know what do, unless he admits that to me.
So, basically I'm confused. What do I do? I want to be a part of his life, I want him to be a part of my life, because I know that we have the potential to have something great. He even always comes back to me, and says that I'm the perfect girl for him, that he loves me and has always wanted to be with me. Although, this all was when he was in basic training and we live an hour and 54 minutes away from eachother.
Why can't he just get over these issues? Is it asking too much to say that I want a real relationship with the person that I love, and who I believe loves me? And, I know that our love story probably sounds ridiculous. People say that it sounds like he enjoys hurting me, I don't think so.
It hurts, though, because all we might be is just a bunch of plans that will never actually happen. He's invited me to move with him a couple of times, but he'll back away as soon as we start getting close. We'll fight about things that probably don't even matter to him. He's even said that he wanted to go to my senior prom with me, that he was actually looking forward to going to my senior prom and seeing me in and then out of my dress (I should probably add that he's 19 and we've talked about sex). When he was in basic training, he was actually going to pay for me to go down there for family day.
Is it ridiculous for me to say that I love him? And does it sound like he's just playing games, or like I'm right? I'd like to think that I'm right, but I really don't know. If it means anything he's wasted 7 (since July 24th - March 27th) months of his life on me if this is all just a game. What does it sound like to you?
I've heard that it's common for someone with depression to pull away from someone when they're having a hard time. And in January he was having a hard time with having bad dreams, his dreams have a tendency of coming true, he had developed a bleeding ulcer and was in alot of pain. And in December, he had gone broke.
He's not using foul language towards me, he just wants me to leave him alone and get out of his life. Which could just mean that he doesn't want to be happy and that it has nothing to do with me, right? Please don't tell me that he's playing games :-(.
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This is quite a complicated relationship you have with this Joe guy.
He sounds pretty firm on his descion about not wanting you in his life. I know it hurts to think about it, but maybe it's time to let him slip out of your life.. Time to move on for awhile. If he wants you bad enough, like you feel he does, he'll come back k.
Maybe he is lost and confusied.. Maybe he's unsure of what to do, how to act.. But apperently he can't use your help, no offence. He has got to work this out on his own.
The reasons for his departure of your life, may be unknown, but don't let it eat at you. There may not be a reason, there may be a reason.. You don't need to dwell on this factor.
Just give him time, maybe he'll come back.
You're apperently young, it's time you take a chance to meet other people... See if anything else in this world of ours catches your eyes!
: ) Let me know if this helps in anyway...
~Hotsauce~
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