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lover lover
Sometimes I feel trapped, not like he’s holding me down or anything, I just feel as if I’m not pleasing to him 100%. I’d never admit this to anyone though. For some reason, I’d rather have people believe that we have a perfect relationship, because how could I, ----, Someone smart enough to know better - fall into these games of “love”. Hell, we don’t even have a relationship since we broke up in May, simply because he claims “he’s not ready to fully commit, because when we do get together he’d like to give me his all.” Yeah, so the “boyfriend / girlfriend” title doesn’t exist. He tells his friends he’s single, his parents, everyone knows he’s single… Except me… The girl he fucks, the girl he claims “owns his heart”, the girl he lays next to in bed, holding each other close, the girl he calls every single night and talks to for hours about everything - even though we just spent the whole day together. We know each other so well, we can predict what the other is thinking sometimes. And these are the reasons I don’t doubt his love for me, but is he simply ashamed of me? I’d hate to think so, so I make my best attempts to block it out of my mind, because I’m afraid of losing him. My mind constantly reminds me of the day we broke up, of how much pain I felt reading a message from him saying he never wanted to see or hear from me again. Nothing has ever hurt so much in my life and I’m afraid. Afraid of that feeling. Afraid of hurting him again.
But we clash, we clash so much. It seems as he wants this perfect pretty princess by his side. He makes it so clear sometimes. This tomboy doesn’t cut it, no matter how hard I try. He wants the make up, the long beautiful hair, skirts, dresses, he wants me to go to salons. But I can’t do it, he’s never satisfied. I’m stupid for giving in, but I’d do anything for him. So I put on a “pretty dress”. I even went to the store and got some “girly shoes” and I took him out to a nice dinner. And it was fun, I admit. So I promised I’d dress up for him for those special times we spend together, but it’s not enough. Now he wants it everyday. But that just isn’t me. I have my limits. I don’t criticize him, the way he dresses or the way he does his hair… it’s not my preference sometimes, but it’s not a big deal. I still love him the way he wants to be. But sometimes he doesn’t notice that. He wants me to believe in god, to go to church. But I don’t believe I have to. He wants to have a spiritual connection with me, and we have it. I feel as though we’re both spiritual, but now it’s not enough, now I have to attend church with him and be religious to. He’s not an extreme religious, so I don’t understand what the problem is. Why does it seem as if I lack so many qualities he needs, but he still says he loves me with all his heart. Sometimes I feel as though he needs me to have these things for his family to accept me, rather than for us to feel closer… but of course, he’d never admit to that. We talk about these things, they seem to turn into arguments and when we say good-bye, it’s an angry one. I hate these arguments we have, but I don’t know how to smooth them out and make it work when he seems so close minded about these things.
HELP! Any advice about any of this is appreciated.
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Maybe give some free advice about: Love Life?
Love is accepting. Love is unconditional. Love doesn't care if you wear make-up and a skirt... If you're a princess or a tomboy. Love isn't afraid of what anyone else thinks... Even parents and friends. Love doesn't allow for conditions... Even if that condition is attending church. Love doesn't judge. There is no such thing as 'not being good enough.' Love won't break your heart. Love won't lie about your relationship. Love won't sleep next to you every night but refuse the title and the committment.
When you are loved... The actions match the words. This guy is telling you that he loves you in every way possible, but the way he treats you doesn't line up with what he tells you.
Don't blame yourself. Okay... You're not perfect. No one is. You're perfectly imperfect, and just because he can't accept that doesn't mean that there is anything wrong with you. There is a guy out there that will love you as you are... But you're never going to be able to find him if you continue to settle for a guy that wants the benefits of the relationship without the responsibility that's supposed to go with it.
So... Look in the mirror and tell yourself that you're fantastic the way you are... Then tell this guy to get out of your bed, and stay out. Move on and find someone that actually deserves you.
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