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I'm confused about relationships and sex.
Over the last year, I've been sort of all over the place in terms of relationships and sex, and I've been sort of confused about all of it for a while now.
I guess the first part of this is that I used to be best friends with a girl I met during my first semester in college whose named is Celia. She fell for me, I didn't feel the same way, we stayed friends, she was sort of miserable, and eventually, she ended our friendship that summer. Her best friend Karen moved up here at the start of the school year, and she and I became really close. I knew I wanted to be with her, but I was afraid of ruining things in the exact same way that things had fallen apart with Celia, and eventually (like a douchebag) I started dating another girl, Sarah, who was also close friends with Celia. I discovered I didn't really like her at all during the short period that we dated (maybe a month and a half), but every time I'd get off I'd sort of forget I wanted to dump her. During this time, I was spending most of my time with Karen anyway, and eventually, one day, I dumped Sarah and talked to Karen about all of this.
She talked things over with Celia (and I finally worked things out with her as well), and Karen and I started dating. We'd become best friends by this point. We fell in love and also had a lot of pretty incredible sex together. Something like four months in, she moved back down south though, about four hours away, and things became sort of difficult. After a really difficult month, we broke up during a weekend trip (which was horrible). It'd been six months.
This happened right before I moved back down for the summer, and I spent most of that summer working and celibate. Right after the summer, when I came back up, I met a guy named Jim, and we hooked up while drunk one night, and again the next morning. We hooked up a few more times, and then had sex a bit later. I'd never hooked up or had sex with a guy before, and honestly, I found the whole thing to be really tedious. He's extremely nice and cool and interesting and really attractive, but the sex was... just sort of exhausting. And I didn't really want to see him after that.
The point of all this is that I'm finding myself extremely confused about pretty much everything. I mean, I fell in love with Karen and then just fell right out of love. Toward the end, I had pretty much stopped being very invested in her. And Sarah I was able to just selfishly string along even though I knew we had no future at all. And once I was single, after all of this, and I did meet somebody and tried just casually dating, I completely lost interest once we'd had sex. Plus, I mean, I am attracted to guys, but I really didn't enjoy the sex very much at all. So what does that mean?
I've also recently found myself thinking about Celia sometimes, even tough I know I could never risk things by making a move on her.
I guess I just feel like I could lost interest very easily in a relationship, and like I'll probably wind up wanting to be free, so maybe I shouldn't be in one at all. But I also feel like casual dating is uninteresting to me and casual sex is sort of disappointing and empty. I don't know what to do, or where to go. I'm really not used to being filled with doubt or any kinds of negative feelings about myself at all, so this has been a rough period for me.
Sorry that this is so dementedly long, but have you got anything? Any thoughts?
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I think you've put more than enough thought into your current situation. The best thing to do now is take a deep breath and get a new perspective. You're in college, right? From what i understand, this IS the time for conflicted feelings and finding the balance between "jumping into relationships" and "meaningless hookups". Its a totally natural and necessary growing experience. My best advice is to take it slow and follow your heart. Don't worry about every decision you make, because in the long run most of them will be irrelevant, because everything you "know" about what you want changes and grows just as you do.
I'm not sure what meaning to attach to the fact that you haven't enjoyed sex with guys very much (especially because i don't know for sure your gender!) but i do know that sex is extremely subjective and it could be that you haven't had the right connection, or it could simply be that you don't really like sex with guys. Only time/experience will tell! Remember: it's college.
Most importantly, don't let any of this effect how you feel about yourself. as they say on flights, secure your own mask before helping others. You wont be doing anyone any good if you are suppressing you feelings, or if you are staying in a relationship just to spare your partner. You know what you have to bring to the table. Be confident in that, and keep up the good work, i think your moral compass is right on! Try cultivating more platonic friendships to stabilize your mood.
**TheGivingTree**
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