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Yeah...
I haven't really even given this much thought in a loooong time, but this keeps coming to mind and it's annoying, so any help would be great.
I'm not sure how old I was, probably around 9--I'm much older now. But I was over a friend's house, she was probably 2-4 years older than me. So we were just playing, and at some point she started mentioning how she wanted to 'do things', and I know I was nervous and didn't want to but I have no idea what I said. So she ended up getting me to take my clothes off (I'm pretty sure she said she 'wouldn't play with me' if I didn't--as sad as that sounds) and ended up touching/getting me to do the same to her, among other things.
The thing is, was this my fault or was I responsible or what? I have no idea how to analyze this, and I never really mentioned it to ANYONE, so ... yeah. Any thoughts..?
I know I did'nt wan to do it, but for some reason I did? I don't even know what this is considered..
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Sorry this took so long, but I've been very busy, yeah, it's an excuse, it should not have taken this long and I apologize.
Loosely, this is taking advantage of our need to be accepted, which in our younger years is very strong. As we get older the need to be accepted at all costs diminishes to varying degrees. I'm sure if you think about it you can think of many other times where people have used this against you to get what they wanted, this one just sticks out in your mind because of the sexual content of it.
This is why I speak against mixing ages in many of my posts. She was ready to explore the differences between the male and female bodies, you were not. This is not uncommon and you should not look on it as being so. She was curious and had the perfect situation, a young one that she could control.
I will tell you a story about a young girl, she lived in a more rural situation when she grew up. There was not a lot of kids to play with and she was desperate for friends. The only other girls close by were some years older then her and they asked her to play with them. She was in heaven with the though of having these older girls as friends.
Well, as it turned out, they took her to one of the girls houses, this girl had a young brother, thinking back, she figures he was some where near 5 years old. These girls took them both down stairs and talk the girl into showing them her young breast, then proceeded to expose the young boys penis to the group. They then talked the young girl into playing with the young boys penis, even to the point of putting it in her mouth. Needless to say, these girls never asked this young girl to play again, they got the thrill they wanted, and never called on her again.
She was about the age you speak of yourself being and what you should realize about this is that the young are very easily taken advantage of and is why we must always protect them. But, when it comes right down to it, you can never stop children from being children. The older children should always know better then this, but there will always be those that will recognize this and exploit this.
You, precious spirit, were exploited at age 9, like many many people have been. It's hard to think back and realize how weak you were then, isn't it? We all have the things we carry to the grave, I have my share of regrets for things I did when I didn't really know any better, but then, that's why they call it growing up. We all learn what is right and wrong, the key is to be able to stop doing what is wrong. I will tell you, I have learned more from what I have done wrong, then what I have done right, I know, it's kinda backwards, but most of us learn that way, because we don't believe what others tell us, only what we experience.
If you are thinking of this a lot lately, I would guess that you feel now that there is something you have not learned from this experience and you are trying to find it. If you look for justification, you may never find it. Nor, may you understand the reason. I urge you to separate yourself from this experience, do as I do, the child was not me. What I was before 18, is not me, the things that happened to me, was a whole life away.
Remember, your life is a bible in itself. Every time you look back and read the pages, the meaning changes and you come to new epiphanies and you wonder how you missed it the last time you read that story.
Use what you learn dear spirit, not all lessons are plain as the nose on your face.
Be well, hope I helped, feel free to write again.
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