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This poem I wrote......
Well I wrote this poem and I am not sure if I should post it on this one site to let some of my friends to read it because I want their opinion to tell this one guy I like how I feel about him. But, if someone can read it and tell me what they think, I mean, I don't wan it to sound emo or something. But it is called Everything, CAUTION! POEM IS VERY LONG!
Everything
Written after watching a very episode of Fruits Basket.
I stand in the rain,
The cold droplets falling down upon me.
Though,
I can only think of what it was like before this.
The smiles.....
The hopes.....
The dreams.....
My soul can't bear it,
My ears can't hear it,
My eyes can't see it.
For you have left....
Everything......
Leaving me scattered.
Leaving me in pain.
Leaving me standing in the rain,
Tears pouring down my face,
Falling to my knees.
What will happen now?
When will I feel happy?
When will your smile come to me again?
When can I hear your voice?
I soon can hear my heart beat in my ears.....
And I can feel my heart beating like drum in my chest.
As I soon know how it feels....
I know how it feels to be left....
To have my heart ripped out....
To be in pain.
Why did you go?
Why did you leave me crying?
Does it bring you joy?
Does it make you laugh?
My auburn hair turning brown as I cry in the rain,
On my knees,
My blue eyes to the ground.
I make my hands to porcelain fists on the mud....
That once was called ground,
And soon I can't tell what are tears and what is the rain pouring.
Soon, I can't tell what is pain and what is the cold wind biting at me...
As the cold storm continues.
Soon....
I am drenched.
I cannot cry anymore.
No more sobs breaking through my chest.
And it feels as if the rain isn't there anymore....
It just is the warm breeze against my face.
Something I know isn't there.
Then,
I think I can hear your voice...
I think I can see your face....
I think can feel happiness again.
But only to open my eyes to the large room of a warm hospital....
Only to hear the beeping from a machine....
Only to feel empty once more.
My blue eyes searched the room,
then....
I found you.
You are back....
And I can see you,
I can touch you,
I can hear you.
I soon call your name,
You look up,
Your beautiful eyes staring up at me.
Your face red as you whisper, 'I am sorry, my dear, I am sorry.'
Tears running down your face.
Though I only smile,
Wanting to reach out to you,
To hold your warm hand,
To kiss you lips,
To hear your voice.
Then....
I felt whole again.
Even though I was in a hospital,
And I sick,
I was with you.
And I could hear voice and hold you and cry with you.
For you are special......
Special to me,
Good for me.
You are my soul.
You are my happiness.
You are......
Everything.
Well that was the end of the poem, I want to read it to my crush to tell him how I feel about him. But, I don't know if I should. So, would this poem be too much?
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Maybe give some free advice about: Random Weirdos?
this isnt a bad poem. the only thing is, its really long. i dont know how old you or this guy is, but its a little too long for comfort.
it also depends on how close you are to him - if you guys are realllly close and talk on the phone like every day, then he might like it. if you talk a few times a week or if you are unsure if he likes you, dont send it to him. it will scare him. on the other hand, you can show it to him and ask him if he likes it. if he honestly does and isnt lying, tell him it was supposed to be sent to him by you. itll make him rethink things.
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I think your poem was alright. It wasn't the best, but it certainly was not the worst. Sometimes you used really awkward diction [wording] and it took away from the meaning. Other times you had really good diction that enhanced the meaning.
Some of the similes were a little cliche, and that can take away from the meaning. I'm speaking of the heart pounding one. The first thing everyone thinks of for a heart pounding is a drum beating. Try thinking of something else ;].
Though a person who hasn't written and studied a bit of poetry and grammar wouldn't really pick up on this that much, and I say go for it, he might really like it ;]
--Jack
(16/m)
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