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My g.f. was pregnant, and now I'm falling to pieces!
17/M. This past spring, my girlfriend found out she was pregnant, she told me she didn't want to have it (she never asked me what I thought)and I tried to be a good boyfriend, so I went with her when she went to the clinic to take those pills.
Now, I am falling to pieces. I have nightmares every night about what happened at the clinic and then afterward. I feel nauseous and like I am going to cry whenever I see a baby. The only time that I've been able to bring myself to have sex w/ her afterwards, I had a really bad panic attack right after we did it. I cry a lot whenever I'm alone, and I don't look at girls the same way I used to. I've totally lost interest in sex, and I hang around w/ just my guy friends a whole lot more now than I ever have, because I don't like being by myself around girls.
I don't understand why this is happening to me. This is the most mentally freaked out I've ever been, and it doesn't seem to be going away. My girlfriend has been perfectly fine w/ everything about going to the clinic, and she can't figure out how things went from awesome to fubar so quickly for us. She thinks it might be that I'm freaked out by having sex, since she's my first girl I've been with and I'm not her first guy that's she's been with.
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You've experienced a loss - the loss of a pregnancy, as well as the loss of a potential child. This is a big deal, especially as you were not part of the decision making. While she was the one who was physically pregnant, both of you were present in what resulted.
It's okay to be sad, upset, angry, or confused. It's an appropriate reaction to something that sounds like it was traumatic for you. You may want to consider speaking to a counsellor, so that you can have some time and space - just for you - to figure out how you feel and start processing everything.
Just pushing this to one side and not dealing could possibly end up in the nightmares or panic getting worse. If you aren't up for speaking to a counsellor, perhaps there is a national helpline you could ring. You could also journal, try to talk to a friend, talk to an adult you trust to just listen and not judge, or talk to your girlfriend.
You shouldn't have to justify your behaviour, but it might seem confusing to her if she is not feeling the same way. If you want your relationship to recover, you'll need to speak with her about what has been going on for you. You may also want to consider speaking to her even if you plan to end things, as it might help you to let her know your side of things.
This isn't easy, and you'll have to go through it at your own time and pace. Don't blame yourself - you were trying to be supportive to your girlfriend, and she could have chosen this path whether you were there or not. Be kind towards yourself, because you are the only one who really knows what you are going through.
Feel free to get in touch again should you need to. I truly hope you find what you need to help you heal.
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