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isolated and trapped
I don't even know where to begin. I'm 15/f, and I'm so alone, and so lonely all at once. I don't go out at all, not even to my front porch, and I'm always locked in my room. The last time I went out was probably two or three days ago, and that was with my mom to the supermarket, and because she forced me. I have no one to talk to, and I really don't blame them. No one wants to be bothered with other people's problems when they already have to deal with their own. I've lost all my friends to more interesting things. There's not really any clubs or activities around where I live, and even if there were, it's not like I'm motivated to do anything. I put on a different face for people, a confident, conceited side of me, but lately, I don't even care much about personal hygiene. The last time I went out with my friends was about 2 weeks ago, and I deadred every moment of it. I'm completely terrified by the thought of having to meet new people, in new places, and of doing different things. I literally don't belong anywhere, because I'm not normal like everyone else. I don't know how I came to be this way, or why. I take zoloft, and I go to therapy; whenever I feel like it of course. The worst thing is, I don't want to be like this, but at the same time, I don't want it to change. I don't want to be shy, and I actually want to have a boyfriend, but I find reading a book in my room a lot more comforting and safer. I hate that I feel better when I'm secluded, instead of being at a party, or even the mall. Thinking about the future and actually having to get out of here and socializing with people makes me just want to kill myself. I used to keep a journal before I got on my meds, and at first it seemed like I was improving, but now it feels worse. I'm suicidal again and I feel trapped, alone, and worthless. There's this voice in my head that asks me everyday when I wake up,"why haven't you killed yourself yet?", and I daydream of how to kill myself in the most painful and cruel way possible. I don't want to be worse, but I don't feel like getting better either. I don't feel like doing any of this anymore, because it just doesn't seem worth it. I don't even know what I'm asking, or if I'm even asking for anything at all. I guess all I'm looking for is a little hope that there's something better, some way for me to GET better, and maybe just a little motivation. Thank you to any of those who bothered reading.
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Firstly, get off the meds. If they were working for you, you would notice a day-and-night change, not this gradual "sort of better for a while" kind of effect. Go to your psychiatrist and ask to switch off of Zoloft, either on to something else or to some kind of non-medication sort of treatment.
Secondly, realize that your future is in your own hands. Nobody can make you change and be outgoing but yourself. Even with medication, there won't be any change if you don't want there to be. You sound like you're not sure what you want, so step one is to remedy that. Decide on what your expectations are from yourself, your therepy, and your future.
Everybody, even isolated people like yourself, has something that they enjoy doing. Find your hobby and run with it.
Not everyone is outgoing and friendly and talkative. If that isn't what you want to be, then that's okay! There are lots of activities, both as hobbys and as careers, that you can perform in solitude. Find something that makes you happy, and do it.
As for the suicide bit, all I can say is that it's a very permenant decision, and isn't something that should be taken lightly. Think very, very, very, very carefully about what you're going to do before you do it.
Lastly, consider going to therepy more frequently if you feel it's helping you, and if it isn't, consider finding a new therepist.
Or, alternatively, if you decide you'd prefer to stay the way you are, so be it. Like I said earlier, nobody can, or should, force you to change your ways if you don't want to.
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First of all. The last thing you would ever want to do in this situation is iscolate yourself from the world. You might want to get involved with a church. And talk to a preecher about the way you are feeling. I know you may not want to, but it will really help. Also you might take a family camping trip for a weekend or something. You need to find a hobbie that you can focuss on to keep you mind clear of bad thoughts. It will also motivate you to want to do better. I like to paint and I'm also learning to play the guitar. It really will help. If you need more help with this you can find me on myspace at www.myspace.com/rockstar439.
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Okay, first off, you really need to want to get better when you start this. I had a similar problem, though not as bad, but when I started getting happier I tried to depress myself because it scared me to be so happy. I didn't know what I was going to do. SO you have to be ready for difference.
Second, those pills seem like they're doing more harm than good. I'd go to your doctor and tell him that you're getting worse and more suicidal. Some antidepressants actually do that, its a bad side effect.
Also, go back to your journal. That's a really good way to release stress, and you said it might have been helping before.
Now then, therepy. I still go to therepy myself, but I have a set schedule and my Mom sits with me sometimes. Don't go whenever you feel like it, make a set schedule. Once, probably twice a week for you. And make sure the therepist is someone good, like smart and you actually feel like opening up to them.
And LISTEN TO THEM.
As for friends, I'm not very good with that myself. But I do have two very good friends, and while I can't talk to them about my problems (I have my journal and therepist for that), they can help distract me at times. Try to leave yourself a little open for people, and if you find someone you like try to start talking to them about simple things. A book you read maybe, find someone who likes seclusion and books too.
Your boyfriend... honestly I would say you shouldn't be going out with someone at this point in your life if he isn't helping you. But I don't know anything about that, so I'm going to have to say do what you want on that one.
But the main thing is, you really have to want to change. And you should want to change, there's always something you can do to make the world better. Okay, that sounded like the worst cliche of all of them, so I'll just stop and say, I hope you get better.
Please get better.
-Calli
15/f
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