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Should I still tell him?
This is continued from my previous question
First, I just wanted to thank you for your concern.
I also wanted to clear a few things up…I’m not lacking knowledge on sex or anything like that. I understand all the possible risks and the factors involved and everything. And to be quite honest, I don’t really value my virginity, I’d rather that I just wasn’t a virgin and this whole problem of mine would be gone. I’m not so stupid that I don’t plan on taking any precaution at all when I have sex. I’ve been on birth control for 2.5 years and I plan on using a condom and everything like that. Still, thank you for taking the time to provide all that information.
Now that I have that out of the way, I do still kind of have a problem. I mean, I understand what you’re saying, that in order to have a healthy relationship I need to be honest with him…
On one hand…I’m not so naive to think that I’m going to be with this guy forever. I love him and everything, but that doesn’t change the fact that I’m 17. That being said, it’s not like I’m going to have to live with this lie the rest of my life. If I lose my virginity to him, I’m the only one that’s going to know. And my lie will no longer be a lie.
On the other hand…I’m in love with him. So in love. I want him and need him and crave him. It’s that crazy kind of love that will make you do anything for someone. I feel horrible about keeping this from him. I wish I had never made that up. If I hadn’t, I probably wouldn’t have been feeling so nervous about it which would have led to me actually losing it before my current boyfriend. Then I wouldn’t be in this mess. But I’m afraid to tell him. After all, what he doesn’t know, won’t hurt him, right? And if he doesn’t know then at least he’s not going to think I’m a liar. I know, I am, but that doesn’t change the fact that I don’t want him to think that I’m a liar.
To me, it seems like such a little thing that it’s not worth causing a fuss over. If I don’t tell him and I have sex with him…then he’ll never know and be just fine and everything will be fine. If I tell him….then it’ll probably cause a big argument and he’ll think I’m a liar and he may not even want to have sex with me anymore and I’m left in the same position I was in before…only I’d be in a fight with my boyfriend and the only thing that I would have gained is having this off my chest.
And, to be completely honest…another option that I’m seriously considering…and I know this isn’t the best option but it’s a good way to have this all just blow over…is just having sex with him while I’m drunk. We’ve come close to having sex a few times…but he didn’t go through with it because he was less drunk than I was and he didn’t think he should. But if I wait until he’s more drunk than I am, then have sex with him…and I end up doing something that would give away the fact that I was a virgin…he’ll probably not notice because he’s drunk. Then, the next time we have sex…he would know for sure that I’m not a virgin…and the pressure would be off.
I hope that you can at least see the pros and cons that I’m seeing in all my options…
And I already know that you probably think I should just tell him…but I mean…it seems like more trouble than it’s worth, I guess. So what should I do? If I tell him…that’s like…risking everything that I have with him over something that I don’t even think is that big of a deal.
And...if you REALLY think that I need to risk this....how do I tell him? Like what's the best way to say something like that?
Thanks in advance and I’m really sorry that this is so long.
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You contradict yourself so much it's frightening. You really need to figure out where you stand with this guy.
See these two things do NOT go together at all:
"On one hand…I’m not so naive to think that I’m going to be with this guy forever."
and
"On the other hand…I’m in love with him. So in love. I want him and need him and crave him. It’s that crazy kind of love that will make you do anything for someone."
Love means wanting to spend the rest of your life with someone. It means you're willing to take the chances and withstand all there is to for the person. Love is opening all of yourself up to your partner and trusting that he/she will accept you. If you love the guy (and he loves you, of course) then you should EXPECT to be with him for the rest of your life.
See, this is where a lot of people go wrong. You degrade yourself in this manner. You tell yourself that it won't ever work out in the end because you're young when, in reality, it may very well have worked out if you had really stuck by it. By putting negative thoughts like this in your head you automatically doom your relationship.
Secondly, the lie will always be a lie. Yes, the lie about not being a virgin will change but that is not the entire lie. Your boyfriend deserves to know if he would be the one taking your virginity. Virginity is a BIG thing and it's not something you just casually throw around, regardless of what today's media tells you. You don't get a second virginity, this is THE ONE, the only one you'll ever have. Why should you have to lie about it? You love your boyfriend so you should be honest with him.
Don't doom your relationship. Tell your boyfriend the truth. Open up to him and let the relationship have a real chance. Even if there is a big argument, you can get through it if you two really do love each other.
How to tell your boyfriend is very, very simple. Tell him that you two need to talk privately about something very serious. Get alone with him and just tell him the TRUTH for a change. Let him know that it was a mistake that you lied and you've felt awful keeping it from him but you KNOW he deserves to know the truth. Let him know that you're aware he may be hurt and upset and that he has ever right to but you knew you had to tell him to prevent any further hurt. Tell him you want the relationship to work out and that's why you're telling him the truth. Be honest, let him know why the lie even started and why you felt you had to be dishonest with him.
Don't get the guy drunk before you two have sex if you're actually going to go through with it. Sex is a very, very special thing and it should be very memorable. It's silly to want him to be dazed. Please stop trying to deceive this guy.
Communicate with the guy you love.
Don't kill off the chance you have because the media tells you you're too young to last.
In addition, don't expect to have sex with your boyfriend. You two really need to talk some things out first. Your lie has been so silly, and you belittled yourself to fit in with people who aren't happy. You don't have to tell the truth to the world, but you really should to the person you DO end up having sex with.
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