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time to end the marriage?
I met my husband ten years ago. I knew he was"the one" within a few weeks. We've been married now eight years and have two young boys. We had our ups and downs but we always pulled through. I am 26 he is 31. I found out last june that he had an affair - I decided Icould work through it with him, however his behaviour became unreasonable so in October I asked him to leave. I almost had a nervous breakdown at this time and in December I decided to try again with him. However at the same time I found out that previous to his affair he had slept with my best friend of over ten years on five different occassions in the space of two years. We went to relate and continued to try. Things seemed better however we kept slipping up and arguing over the past, this seems to be myself who keeps bringing it all up. Now Idon't know what to do, he has tried as hard as he can and at times I believe he means it when he says he won't cheat again. But lately I feel like i've changed, I don't let him do the things he usedto be able to do. I feel like i'm just waiting til he does it again and I feel severely damaged as a person by what has happened. Recently we really talked and both decided we are meant to be together and i felt closer to him than i have in years. But today i started an argument with him over nothing and when he left the house I went through his emails etc. Now I don't know what to do I feel like I'm a crazy woman - someone I don't want to be. And even though I know i'll be miserable without him I can't help thinking it's best to walk away now. I suppose my question is - is there anyway I can find the real me again and how do i know if it's best to part?
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Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Love Life?
I'm going to start off by saying I'm 15.
So I'm hoping my advice doesn't come across as the absolute right choice- its just what comes to my mind when I read your problem and the reasonings behind it.
I had a boyfriend once who I suspected was cheating on me. We were dating for 6 months and were about as serious as a 16yr old and a 15yr old could be in a relationship. He went away to Europe with an educational group and while he was gone I read his e-mails and his plans to sleep with a girl on the trip. Yup, the plans happened. We tried to work things out, yes I do realize we are young and that immaturity plays a huge part, but I simply lost trust. Someone once said "Without trust, you cannot love." We tried and tried to go back to our normal selves, but every time he wanted to go somewhere I felt the need to check up on him. I started going crazy and had to call it off. We too had little fights over the lamest things. I lost who I was because I couldn't stand the thought of him being with another girl. Finally, I had to get out before I became insane with jealousy and uncertainty.
For you, I recommend stepping out of yourself. Visit family for a week if possible. Your husband has cheated many times, theres no saying he will or will not do it again. The trust, its gone. You two are working on hope and faith that your love will be restored. Its not crazy at all to believe that you cannot go on without him because for however long you have been married and dating, he's been your life. He's become a habit. Habits are hard to break.
I recommend taking a break strongly. Take some time out and think about all the things you have in your life (Job, kids, family, clubs, groups, church groups, hobbies etc.) Take time to get back to all of them, get back to your roots to give you some sense of independence and a sense of who you were before he influenced your life.
Once you have a sense of who you are again, once you have decided who you have been and who you will/want to be THEN and only then you can decide what is best. Is who you are a woman that can be flexible in practicing loving a man who has cheated? Or is the woman you are too respectable to have that kind of question hanging over your head all the time.
This is YOUR life, this is who YOU are. You shouldn't have to live your life and change your actions because you're worried about someone else cheating on you. If he cheats, its probably because he's not getting all of what he wants. This may be a one way relationship headed down a bad path.
Like I said, go back to your roots and find a sense of who you were before him. Once you've discovered that sense, THEN decide if what kind of woman you are. Decide what you will stand up for and what you will change for. Decide if you feel love or if you feel the comfort and safety of a habit you've had for 10 years.
Once again, I'm merely a 15 year old girl.
Please don't think my advice is the serious word of some professional. I'm just giving your my two sense on this.
Best of luck. <3
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