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Story help? Please?
can anyone go look at my story, and tell me if the profile looks good, if the character pictures are good, if i need to add anyones picture and if you like the prologue and chapter one? should i add anything? suggestions please? thankksss!
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Personally, I really do not like your profile. The tiny font and layout really makes it confusing. It really just isn't appealing to the eyes of the reader.
I use Firefox and actually could not figure out where your chapters were until I opened IE and saw the layout in a totally different form. From there, I read every little thing and saw finally in the subpages area that you had listed the links. This being said, it might be better to find a different layout or to make one box for the actual story so it isn't as, well, odd.
As for the photos, I think the idea is terrific and you found some good ones (I especially like Mrs. Holton); however, you may want to request the usage of the photos from the owners if you have not. I'm not entirely sure if anything bad could happen but they may be upset that you are using their faces as characters in a story you've created. Nonetheless, I think it was a neat idea to show the characters to the reader.
The prologue really isn't bad at all for the start. I really enjoyed this line:
"Mike, and I were sitting at the table having a side conversation away from my sister, who was sitting on the opposite side of the table, sidekick in hand, texting away, and completely oblivious to the world around her."
as I could see someone completely engulfed in text-chatting at a table in a cafe. The more detail you give, the clearer the picture I could get. You could have even added something like a "shiny red table" or something so the reader could visualize the scenery. You could even age your sister by saying "younger" or "older" if you felt it would be helpful for the reader to see. Oh, and just as a helpful note, there shouldn't be a comma after the first name in the first line.
Anyway, the prologue was a good way to start it out with, I believe; however, I felt completely bored and lost in the, extremely short, first chapter. I also really disliked this line:
"All that was left was a box of Captain Crunch that was probably a billion years old, and some graham crackers."
I really dislike the "billion years old" remark because it's entirely too unbelievable. Although, It may have sounded better to say that it had enough dust on it to be thought of as a billion years old. I know the reader is aware that it really isn't a billion years old, but it reads very childish. You may have even said that there was also stale graham crackers to add age to them for your readers.
I also thought that it might sound better to say this, just to add in some more detail:
"I turned over to glance at the clock on my nightstand. It clearly showed 12:03pm. "Yes," I thought, "it's finally Saturday!" I rolled out of bed and stumbled over to the mirror. I didn't look like a drowned rat like usual so I decided to walk downstairs and make myself some breakfast, or lunch, I should say."
Again, the more description you can give, the more the reader can relate and visualize what's going on. You can add so many things into it to have the reader put more thought into placing the person in the scene. I think you have a really great basis that should be expanded upon if you have the time.
I hope your story finishes out well and many people thoroughly enjoy it. :)
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