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How do I get my bf to trust me?
19/f
(Sorry this is kind of long)
My boyfriend and I have been together for about three years now. I just completed my first year away at college, while he stayed at home but is working.
He was always against me going away to school. Obviously he wants to keep me all to himself, and I'm afraid that if I were to stay at home and commute, he's going to be a big distraction and take away the time I need for school and studying.
Even though we're more than an hour away from each other, he was REALLY against me going out. Like, I wasn't allowed to go anywhere, even if it was just me and my girlfriends. The only friends I have are my roommates and some of their friends, so they're not even really my friends. Plus, none of my high school friends go to this school. My friends are really bummed that I have never gone out with them. but he doesn't even like the few friends that I DO have.
He even interrogates me every time he calls (where am I, who I'm with) and I'm not even allowed to talk to any guys. He even checks my phone and sometimes holds on to it when we see each other. If you're wondering why he's so controlling, he kind of has a reason why because I had cheated on him in the past. That, and because a lot of guys are always after me and he knows, but I don't even pay attention to them. He also thinks that EVERY SINGLE GUY likes me but that's not the case! My close guy friends and I identify each other as brothers and sisters pretty much!
Well, he has the nerve to wonder why I have NO FRIENDS here!! I go to a huge party school, it's a big 10 school with one of the biggest campuses in the nation, so there are like 45,000 people here. But how am does he expect me to meet people if I can't go ANYWHERE??
If I were to commute to school, I will pretty much have ZERO friends. It's hard to meet people if everyone commutes and you don't live with or around each other like how it is in the dorms.
Please don't say things like it's my fault or tell me to leave him. I still want to be with him, but I would like to know what to say to make him trust me and allow me to go out.
We get into fights about these issues ALL THE TIME but I feel like this will never be resolved.
Btw, I'm not socially retarded or anything. A lot of people like me and I can easily make friends, but it's like I'm not allowed to. I have to like creep around just to go have lunch with some of our guy friends and I hate it.
THANK YOU IN ADVANCE!!
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I think he may have some control issues (you probably already figured that out lol). Have you sat him down and told him your feelings? I am worried that this is something he won't be able to change but you can sure see if he will try. Tell him that you have been together for so long you cannot imagine doing anything with anyone else, tell him you are going to this school to better yourself and that you can't afford to live home. Maybe he can move somewhere around you.
I am not sure if he will change but you just have to know when it gets too much. Make sure you are prepared to live this way. I don't think you want to be the girl who is made to stay at home all the time because of his own insecurities.
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Here is your problem: You want him to allow you to go out. Even better, you want him to WANT to allow you to go out.
That is not going to happen. Not ever. If he hasn't figured out, after three years of loyal loving, that you are trustworthy, he never will.
Fortunately, he is not your parent or your parole officer. You ARE allowed to go out. You are choosing not to go out. You are choosing to be lonely and miserable. You are choosing to let HIS problem and HIS bad behavior dictate how you live your life.
I'm not saying you are a bad, bad person hun, but it IS your fault that you aren't living the life you want to living. He hasn't tied you up in the basement. You are free to choose, and right now, you are choosing to be unhappy and unfulfilled.
If you want to change that choice, then do so.
The proper response to his abuse, and we both know what he is doing is abusive and controlling, is this:
"Hun, I'm going to start going out and enjoying myself with my friends. I am sorry that this upsets you and makes you nervous; however, that is your problem. My problem is that I am lonely and I am going to fix that by seeking out new friends. I'd would appreciate it if you start working on your problem with trust and trying to control me because if you can't behave in a more supportive and trusting way I'm afraid this relationship is going to fall apart."
There are three possibilities here, and only three:
One: You remain miserable, lonely and under his control. You keep fighting with him about this, but always do things his way despite your arguments.
Two: You stand up for yourself an state clearly what you WILL do ("I will have friends and go out.") and what you WILL NOT do ("I will not cheat.") and what you are willing to tolerate from him. Through respectful conversations and steady, honest communication from you, he realizes that he can trust you and stop his manipulative and controlling behavior and you both live happily ever after.
Three: You stand up for yourself ect... and he tries harder to control you. He shows up. He threatens you or your friends, perhaps even himself. His calls become constant. He does anything he think he can do to get you back under control. You either fall back into option One, or the relationship ends.
Of course, you should simply break up with someone who treats you this way, but if you donâ??t want too, well, that is your choice too. Make the choice that will make you happy.
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