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stupid crushes
Hello Razhie,
I have read and enjoyed your column for over two years now, and in the course of that time you have given me some excellent advice(mainly about my dysfunctional relationship with a very much older man who was blatantly playing me for a sucker).
This problem which I now have is comparatively trivial, but it still bugs me, so I thought I'd just share it with you. I am now in a very happy relationship-my partner and I truly love each other ,even though we've only been dating a few months(I'm 24f, by the way, and he's 28). But this love does not prevent me from having at times quite intense crushes on other men(expressed through both dreams and daydreams). I would never dream of hurting my partner,and I don't even flirt with other men, but these attractions are there nonetheless. I guess my real question is-do we pay for stability and loyalty by restlessness? And is being "in love" the same as "loving"? I know that these are vague and general thoughts, but they worry me, and I wonder if you had any thoughts (or experience, if that's not too personal) that might shed some light on my feelings.
Many thanks!
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Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Love Life?
Well, my thoughts always come for free, so those I can always offer. I have so much experience, more then I’d like to have really, that I’m not sure if that will come up, but I will start typing and we shall discover together!
Are you restless, really? In the sense that you are uneasy and dissatisfied... because that is what restless means, or is your happiness and your easiness and satisfaction with your love life INCLUDE fantasy about others.
Is the man who looks at porn restless? Is the women who own dozens of harlequins restless? Are they dissatisfied and uneasy with their partners (they could be), OR does their personal experience of happiness and satisfaction just include dirty pictures or steamy novels.
I know, as porn is a loaded topic, it is not a great example, but I suppose what I am trying to say is, be careful what you call yourself because in labeling something, you can end up making it true.
Thinking of yourself as 'restless' just because love hasn't satisfied your every whim so thoroughly that you've abandoned a healthy fantasy life might not be fair to yourself. It was Freud who first suggested to the literate millions that only dissatisfied people fantasize, but any competent physiologist today would tell you Freud was dead wrong on that one. Healthy humans fantasize.
I think, as far as the crushes go, you need to take serious stock and decide: Are these crushes something I just do to entertain myself or do they speak to my dissatisfaction with my relationship? If it is only for entertainment value, do I think they are detrimental to my long-term happiness in my relationship or are they irrelevant brainfluff?
So, do we pay for stability and loyalty with restlessness* (*read: dissatisfaction)? Yes, at times we will, but it shouldn’t be the general experience of a relationship. A bit of restlessness can be the push to prune the relationship and keep it healthy. As long as 'restlessness' isn't defining your everyday, as long you don't find yourself embracing that as a personal label and escaping into fantasy to the detriment of your reality, I wouldn’t call it a problem. In fact, I think calling it a problem can begin to create the exact problem.
Call yourself ugly everyday and you’ll start to feel ugly. Call yourself restless and you can guess what happens. Recognize problems, don’t create them.
It’s a call you have to make all on your own. You need to decide if your fantasies are as harmless as swooning when Wesley says “As you wish…” or these are thoughts that are at odds with what you really want to achieve in life.
Is being in love the same as loving? No of course not. I can’t imagine anyone would say it is. I act in a loving way to many people in my life, but I am not in love with them. On the other hand, I don’t always treat the person I am in love with in a loving way… Being in love, is just that, a state of being. Loving is DOING something about it.
Your previous experiences have certainly taught you this. Anyone can call themselves ‘in love’ just as easily as they can call themselves ‘polka dotted’. If you say you are ‘loving’ you better have the actions to back it up.
What I have come to believe about love, the kind of true, long lasting love, that is not just a ‘feeling’ (because god knows if we listened to only our feelings we wouldn’t stay in long-term relationships), or even a pre-destined fate (nonsense as far as I’m concerned), it’s a choice. It’s the thing that happens to you when look at another person and make yourself the promise to be their lover. To provide for them, to support them, to put them first and too respect them always. Not because they deserve it, or because it will make your life better and solve your problems, just because you are compelled to make that choice and that promise, not to them, but to yourself to be in love.
All else I refuse and thee I choose, to put in an old maxim.
If we listen to biology, our fantasies, and even our passing feelings, we won’t find love. Those are just white noise that surrounds us. Love isn’t loud or pretty and it doesn’t even feel that intense most of the time. Love happens when you look inside yourself, and you choose to find love there for another person.
Of course, that guarantees nothing in return, but love never does.
Your questions were a bit vague I suppose, I hope I didn’t run off with them in the entirely wrong direction… If you’d like to talk more about this, feel free to e-mail me. I’m a bit swamped at work atm, but I’m available all the same.
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