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Lies and more lies
I'm a 31yr.old woman dating a 34 yr.old man. I've been dating this wonderful man for almost a year now. About four months ago, I found out that he's still dating his then-girlfriend for the last three years and that he had a 6-year old daughter with another woman before that. The lies and deception, of the other woman and of him being a father, was overwhelming. I was so broken hearted although he quickly dismissed that girlfriend and relentlessly pursue his love for me exclusively. We broke up but slowly my emotions gave way and gave in. I decided that for it to work, I will try my best to forgive,forget and open my arms to his daughter on her weekend visits. Since, he has been very wonderful in every sense, reaffirming every step of the way through his cell phone and whatever else to make me more comfortable. We agreed to start a clean slate and to be as honest as it comes. The "family" life, which included his daughter now, had been so precious to me. So he moved in, proposed to me and now we are planning on having a baby soon.
But I knew I was no longer invincible, so I would still peak my intuition onto anything unusual. Last week, his daughter innocently mentioned that she has "two brothers" already when I asked if she would like to have baby brothers or sisters. We call everybody brothers/sisters/aunty/uncle out here in Hawaii so I blew it off that she was too young to realized everyone's true roles. She gave me their names and age, mentioning that she sees them when her dad takes her to the other island for their birthday parties. And that her brothers's "mom" is another lady she doesn't know too well. Both names resembled the names on each of the tattoo on his arm and I knew I was in for another surprise. I've been asking him how long he's had the tattoo, to which coincidence, matched exactly the age of the boys mentioned. But he would over and over lie about the meaning of these Hawaiian names and what it translate in Hawaiian instead. Even the tattoo with his daughter's named inscribed in Japanese character, he would lie that it translate to some "martial art" crap. Finally, I asked him a simple yes/no question whether his daughter is his only child, and he couldn't tell me the real deal until 2 hours later.
When it all came out, he said he didn't want to tell me this extra info as I would judge him wrongly and leave. And whether knowing about the 2 boys would change anything in our current relationship as they live with their mom on another island. His action plan was to make the previous repairs with me well and stable before throwing more curveballs my way. But both times, the bomb are not dropped before it explodes. I've written this breach of contract off as a "shame on me" and asked that he leaves me alone. He cannot leave me alone, he keeps asking for another chance, hoping that his past will not haunt the something good we started together. I know deep down we got a great connection and that he truly "loves" me. Is my judgment of his character my best predictor of what's to become of this once-beautiful relationship?
Sincerely,
No more lies
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Wow. That is quite a story.
I'll start off with straight to the point. DO NOT GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE.
The exploded version.
He already has three kids by other women. He has repeatedly lied to you in the past. Heres the thing. Lying to you costs him nothing until he gets caught. And hes apparently quite good at keeping certain secrets.
THAT part isnt going to change. Ever. And with the huge things that he can justify lying to you about, in the future there will be lots and lots of smaller lies when its convenient for him. And most of the time, you wont ever know, because apparently hes pretty smooth. He proposed without disclosing the other children?
Next, we encounter the fact that you dont want to tie yourself to a guy with this kind of baggage. He has 3 kids by at 2 women? And wants more? In your position I would not chance becoming the third woman with the 4th child who he keeps a secret when he goes hunting for another woman again.
The man has no sense of commitment or honor. He lies when its convenient and asks forgiveness when he gets caught and makes up for it by being extra nice. Thats not a guy you want, because its not a guy you will ever truly trust.
I mean, do you want to be in a relationship with a guy who has to put calls on speaker phone to reassure you?
You deserve better than that. Anyone deserves better than that. Dont settle.
Finally, I'll get to the kid thing. HELL NO.
Sorry. But you are completely right. You do not need to add yourself and a child of your own to his mix. You need to find yourself a guy who doesnt have 3 kids who wants to be yours, and whos kids will all be yours. Well, in your position, thats what I would want. You are 31. You are young. There are plenty of guys out there who are good guys (better than your boy. I refuse to acknowledge him as a man) who dont have the extreme baggage and the ease with lying he has.
I would cut him off and not look back. He wants another chance. Tough shit. Firm up your reasons and arguments. Take him out to dinner. End it, and tell him never to contact you again. Go to sleep for 10 hours, wake up, continue your life.
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