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Should I stay in this marriage?
I am a 48 year old female and I am deeply conflicted about my marriage of eight years. My husband was a struggling writer when we met and we both fell in love very hard. Back then, he said he was close to completing several books in progress and I believed him. Now, it is eight years later and he has yet to complete even one book. Of the ones closest to being completed, he now tells me he has to do a complete revamp to make the book work. Every year he comes up with new excuses for why the books are not even close to being submitted to a publisher. Even more frustrating, this man spends hours editing videos and DVD's from TV and rented media for his own and our mutual enjoyment. I believe that if he spent as much time on his books as he does in creating DVD compilations, he would have completed ten books by now!
Despite being otherwise very happy with this man, I have become very bitter and disillusioned with him and our marriage. I've lost faith in my husband's authenticity, as he does not seem to be accountable to himself or anyone as to how he spends his days and his life. As the sole bread-winner for our family, all of my attempts to get him to set an end completion date for even one book or to get him to take on a part time job to help us pay the bills have been unsuccessful. Over the past few years, I have gained a lot of weight and am having chronic back pain. On the one hand, I do believe in our marriage vows and would like to live like my parents who stuck it out through thick and thin for over 51 years. On the other hand, I have lost respect for him and I am losing respect for myself. I wonder if I am a weak enabler to someone who is living in a fantasy world and who refuses to be accountable. What should I do?
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There is quite a spread between 8 years and 51 years. If you do not have kids and wish to leave, then you should. However, if the only thing lacking is his financial contribution and he is supportive and adding joy to your life elsewhere, then don't be quick to throw it all away. This is your decision alone and no one can make or judge it for you. Everyone has issues and imperfections...even big ones. Your neighbor's husband may bring home paychecks, but be a complete jerk. I understand about losing respect and he probably is well aware of it and that is discouraging to him. Men crave respect more than food or sex or love. Your stress and weight problems are your own. Take responsibility for yourself...you would have no one to blame but yourself if you left him, right? Start now to live your own life and quick concentrating on his weaknesses...that game is up. You are not going to use him for an excuse to your own unhappiness anymore. Ask him to go to counseling, give him an ultimatum, leave or accept him warts and all...it really makes no difference...that's right it does not matter. What is important is that you look at yourself and why you are not happy within. He has not changed...men rarely do. We set ourselves up for disappointments when we expect that they will change in ways to please us more...that is not love. Get back to me in a couple weeks after your soul-search.
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