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How do I stay in an unhappy marriage?
Hello..I am a 36 year old married mother of three. I married my high school sweetheart...we have been together 20 years...married 18. I am so unhappy with this marriage. We have lots of problems...most of them started a couple years ago. We have lost everything we own due to him making bad choices without including me in the decisions..did things behind my back. We have lost our ability to communicate effectively...it always ends with one of us walking away in anger. One of the biggest issues is that I went back to school and graduated last year. Since then he has become very insecure, possessive, and jealous. I have not ever given him reason to feel the way he does...he says he feels like I am too good for him now...that is not at all how I feel. His insecurity and possessiveness has pushed me away and I know longer love him the way I should as a wife. I feel like I'm living with my buddy...not my husband. I am no longer interested in sex with him anymore and on the rare occasion that I give in it feels like a chore. I hate feeling the way I do, I know that it hurts him to know that I am not happy, but I just can't sit here and fake it. My problem is that I know he loves me...would be crushed if I left. We separated for a couple months last year and he threatened to hurt himself...that is why I took him back. Tried to get him to go to counseling...he promised, but never went...said he could handle things on his own. One of us is going to get hurt...if I stay it will be me...if I go it will be him. I am so confused because I want us both to be happy...just don't want it to be with each other. I'm sorry this is so long...I really need some advice here. I recently moved to a new city and have no friends here. Please help...I am desperated.
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Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Love Life?
If you are positive there is no hope for
the marriage, then you have to leave it.
He will of course be hurt at first but he
will get over it. I too got married at 18,
and though I am still married I understand
completely that sometimes people grow up in
different directions. It happens and it isn't
your fault.
You say you want you both to happy. Even
if he still loves you, he can't be all that
happy. You're both miserable. When it comes
right down to it, you have to do whatever it
takes to make you happy. You gave it one more
try and he didn't hold up his end of the bargain.
So now you do what you want to do.
When you are ready to leave, or right after,
call someone and let them know if he threatens
to hurt himself. If it worked before, he will
say it again. Call a parent, a sibling or a good
friend of his. Once you leave, do not for a
minute feel you are responsible for anything he does. Hard to do I know, but he is an adult.
You have told someone who cares about him, thats
all you can do.
Life is short. Be as happy as you can be.
Feel free to write back if you need more
help. My email addy is on my column if
you'd rather use it. Put advicenators in the
subject line. I may not have all the answers
but will listen and do my best. You have a
friend here. :)
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