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Cutting Con't :)
Hey! its me again. you answered my ? about cutting and you helped me so much! now i have another question. you see now if i cut myself it really doesnt seem like a big deal. like yesterday i cut a tiny cut on my tummy up by my ribs. just a tiny one but sumtimes i like knowing its there and will like press it and feel the little pain it gives off. why is this? i am SO afraid of my arm being noticed by my parents. i put on a bandaide but they could still ask and i dont know what to say! so i keep wearing my jacket. i could easily cut myself all up and it like wouldnt matter, do you understand? like know that i have done it its like it doest scare me or matter. but i know i shouldnt so i havent.
one thing i did is outlined a heart on my ancle which i wanted to cut but didnt and now im happy cause it isnt actually there.
the thing is i have these 3 cuts and they represnet different things going on in my life. fighting with my parents and them not understanding or one if feel extremely alone and rejected. the one on my tummy is about moving and leaving my friends. im moving this summer. and i wanted to do a heart for the boy i really like who i have to leave i have to tell him i might be moving cause we were gonna date when i was ready (soon!) but now probably not cause im leaving and he probably wont want to get hurt. he already told me he loves me. anyways i know this is kinda unorganized but can you try and help me? thanks!!!!!
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Hey! First, thanks for your feedback. You left a really nice note! =]
If cutting doesn't seem like a big deal to you, it could be just that you don't want to think about it, so you sort of push it out of your mind without realizing it, using the excuse that it isn't a big deal. Sometimes when you over-think things and try to figure things out too much, eventually you just get tired or worrying about it and pretend it isn't there or just try to push it out of your mind, sort of like giving yourself a vacation from the thoughts. I'm not entirely sure if that is what is going on with you, but if you write back and give me more details on this, I might be able to help you more with that.
Another possibility is that cutting really is meaning less to you. Are your cuts smaller or less frequent? Even though you still feel like you need to cut, is the urge smaller, even slightly? Sometimes cutting helps in the beginning, but as time goes on the urge gets less for some people (In general, as time goes on it gets larger. But in my personal experience, once I realized that there were other ways to feel better I didn't want to have scars everywhere. I still felt the urge to cut, but the more I ignored it, the less I needed to do it. Have you been trying to ignore the urges?).
As for the fact that you like to know that your cuts are there, there are a variety of reasons for this. Many times, seeing the pain that events have caused is helpful in feeling better. That is part of the reason why people start cutting in the first place, to make the pain more visible. This happened to me too, as I'm sure it has for others, so I would say that is a relatively common emotion for people who self-injure. The cuts that represent what is going on in your life are also most likely for the same reason as liking to know that the cuts are there. You know what they represent, and having them in the form of physical pain and something that you can see is comforting.
When people do something they know is wrong, like stealing money from their parents, aren't they always afraid that their parents will find out? Even if it was money that was somewhere that their parents wouldn't even notice right away, people are always nervous. Have you ever done something wrong, and your parents call your name and say that they want to talk to you about something? You may have overreacted only to find that they only wanted to ask you what you wanted for dinner that night. The same thing is happening with you now. You are very aware of what might happen, but chances are they won't even notice. The chances of them asking is small. The only reason why I would think they would ask is if you had that band-aid on for several weeks, if it was a large band-aid, or if you start putting a lot on your body. But if it is a normal band-aid, I would take the jacket off when you don't need it. Having it on all the time without an excuse will raise more suspicion than a band-aid will.
You seem like you are going through a lot of stress right now. Moving always brings a lot of stress, and having the feelings about your parents and your boyfriend will definitely complicate matters. Having even one of those things is hard to deal with, but having all three is definitely a challenge! I think that you should be proud of yourself for making it this far. You may feel that because you cut yourself you are weak, but cutting happens because there is a lack of an adequate support system. Maybe you have a small one, but it isn't enough to help you with everything you are going through now. I suggest pen pals from support websites such as the one that I gave you last time ([Link](Mouse over link to see full location)), but sometimes it helps to verbally talk about it. I know you don't like hotlines. Is that because you don't like phones in general? If not, maybe there is someone else you can call. If you get close with a pen pal, maybe you would feel comfortable calling him or her.
If you don't think that my answers fit you very well, feel free to send me some more information. The more you give me, the easier it is to find out what is bothering you. I would like to be a counsellor someday, so ask me as many questions as you'd like. It helps you, and it is great practice for me.
Thanks again for writing!
Hannah
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