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I guess I kinda screwed up
First time Ive asked a genuine question. Hmm. How to start. This is going to be long. Apologies in advance.
So Im in a relationship. Been together 3 years this January. Ups and downs usual to a relationship that long.
Im trying to figure out how not to tell my life story and give you the details you need here.
For the last year, Ive been worthless. Family drama, losing all support including my car, and losing a job that was actually keeping me quite nicely afloat until I could get back to school last summer left me drifting. I have barely had ends meet ever since.
She moved in with me at the beginning of the summer. Shes supported me and has helped me try to get myself back on track but I still hadnt found the motivation to get my life back on track. Add on that she isnt a whole lot more motivated than I am, and we ended up working a job where we could both skip work and no one noticed or cared. She tried several other jobs but quit each one after a week.
Shes sick of it. Shes sick of living paycheck to paycheck and not having any stability in our lives. Shes sick of me not having the willpower to pull myself out of the mud. And shes planning to move out, move away, and she says "I just dont want to be in a relationship right now"
I really dont want to lose her. Ive worked and Ive tried. I let down my responsiblities to the practical side of our life together but I always tried to keep up the relationship side with her.
This weekend she went home to visit family. She left on good terms. She still hasnt come back. She was originally planning to come back on saturday to move out, she has said that instead she will come back and stay a week until the saturday after next. But she says 98% chance shes also leaving.
I dont know what to do. She wants time to be alone, to not have to be stressed out about me or us or anything. Her parents (with whom she was on bad terms until about three weeks ago) are now offering to support her, give her an apartment, get her back in school, and even let her move back here after a semester as long as shes not living with me.
And it should be noted, I am slowly getting my shit together, but its a long process. I have a few small debts that are still somewhat large to someone of my meager income. I need a better job than I have now and have no way to obtain one. Its just... its not enough together that she doesnt feel stressed out about it.
Shes taking them up on it. I cant blame her, I mean I cant exactly afford to send her to college. But in the process shes dumping me. We had planned for her to move back in december, and I might move up there with her if a job opportunity were found that would let me support myself. Else Id stay here and shed move back and wed continue.
Now she wants to move back asap.
I know that if she leaves in a week, it will kill us. I mean, shes going to want space. Shes going to put boundaries on any contact we can have. And the longer it goes on the longer Im going to resent her for it. I know that I will eventually drive her away because I am going to cling and I wont be able to help it.
If we go completely out of contact, its the same thing. We just wont talk anymore, and that will be that.
I have to convince her to stay and fix our relationship, then she can leave. But I dont know how. She doesnt think that it can be fixed right now.
I just dont know. I thought I was going to marry this girl. And Im closing on 23, so this isnt exactly moony eyed college kids. We've been in it for the long haul.
I just... Shes my best friend. She completes me and I trust her more than Ive ever been able to trust another human being. Ive never encountered that before. Im not the kind of person who usually ends up in relationships with any depth to them.
I could let her go. I could get over it. I could eventually fall in love again. I know I could get past it. I just dont want to. I refuse to.
I also dont want to face the concept that I have fucked up the best relationship Ive ever had to the point that I cant recover it.
Help. I dont care what you have to say. Im hoping for the slightest bit of inspiration.
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Well, you can't let all of this weight fall on your shoulders. A relationship is a two way street, you know. SHE has to do her share of making it work. It isn't all up to you. It isn't all your fault. It isn't all your problem.
She won't hold a steady job, so the whole financial issue is half her fault.
This is a huge lesson to you and you haven't yet opened your eyes to it. A marriage has many ups and downs as well as a committed relationship. Finances playing a HUGE roll in the downs, but only because people let them. Financial problems are what causes most divorces in this country. Because people let money put a wedge between their marriage.
Lesson: Sounds to me like she is bailing out on you because things are getting tough. Better to learn this now, or later in life when children are involved? Of course, best to learn this now.
You've had a hard go recently, and she bails on you. Money is tight, she bails.
She is going to her family because obviously support is important to her. That is not how love works, I'm sorry to tell you. :(
I know my husband and I have had our ups and downs, but we don't let the downs get to us. We are happy with one another, not with how much money we have in the bank. We would be happy living in a box under a bridge, because money is only material.
You could try to go to counseling together to try to work out these issues. Without BOTH of you recognizing these problems and BOTH of you going the extra mile to work them out, then your relationship is at a dead end.
ygs-29/f
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