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Where The Heart Is
Ok So... I just spent 9 days with my bf, Daniel, straight and... well... it wasn't what I expected. He is wonderful. He truly is. He is a nice guy, but... I just don't know how far things could really get with he and I and... that bothers me.
First off, he wasn't very physically attractive... and I thought that I was someone who didn't care about that crap, yet... I am. *Sigh*. I hate it. I feel so shallow. That bothers the HELL out of me TO NO END. But, I can't help it if I am not physically attracted to someone. Ya know?
All week I found that we had NO CHEMISTRY when is came to kissing and things like that. Actually, when it comes to him NOT GETTING SEX, he is kinda a jerk.... or well.. WAS. I kinda snapped him out of that real quick. I wasn't ready to have sex. Why is it that he was ok with it? Ya know? I even thought of my ex, Kyle, once while I was making out with Daniel... *Sigh*. Im such an asshole. I swear. I hate this.
I am also worried about losing Daniel as a friend. He is such a great person and a wonderful friend. *Sigh*
Bottom line. The week wasnt what I expected and... in fact... something else happened that week that was un-expected as well. WITH MY EX BOYFRIEND KYLE. My ex whom I still care about to the end of the world and ALWAYS will. Lol. He is a US Marine and I miss him SO MUCH. He is in Florida. *Sigh*.
Kyle got jealous as HELL you all when he found out that I was up there w/ Daniel. He was worried about me and kept calling me CONSTANTLY to make sure that I was ok and everything was going alright. He says that he wants to be with me WHEN I AM READY. But... when is that going to be?
I am scared to be with Kyle... and yet... I do love him. I just... am scared to admit that and allow myself to love him the way that I used to. He hurt me SO BAD... SO MANY TIMES in the past. Ya know? It would take BOOKS for me to explain all that this kid has put me through.
This past weekend Daniel and I went to see "Liscence To Wed" in the movie theater. Ya know, the one with Mandy Moore? Anyway, it made me think.
Daniel is someone who is only showing me his "good" side. I don't know him that well. And Kyle... well... I know him better than he knows himself. Hahaha. I want to marry someone who I know well enough to know that I can tolerate them for the rest of my life. I don't want someone who is gonna change and show their real colors years down the road. Your gonna fight in relationships, and its never going to be perfect. Thats what makes Kyle and I SO SPECIAL and the movie (believe it or not) made me realize that.
If I haven't gotten completely tired of shit after nearly 7 years... THATS LOVE... no matter who you are... you can't deny that. Especially considering all that he has put me through.
So, anyway, I am just confused, you all. Really. I duuno what to do. Daniel is a great guy and I have NO REASON to want to leave him at all. But... where is my heart, truly? I would have to say that right now... I don't know.
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Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Love Life?
Firstly, its not a bad thing not finding someone attracive, and its not a bad thing to be bothered about looks. Of course looks arent everything, but they are a big part of the relationship. So dont feel bad about it!
Secondly, from what you said it sounds to me like kyle is the one you want to be with. Yes maybe he did hurt you really badly but if he keeps calling you etc. then he must want you badly lol.
Plus you said Daniel is a great guy, so you dont wanna hurt him right? But just think, you would be hurting him more by staying with him if you love someone else.
So to me it sounds like you heart is with kyle. Hope i helped =] x x
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