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i am going crazy i am going to fall
i dont knw how to explain it but i am feeling all the negative feelings at once....
BEFORE YOU MOVE TO THE NEXT QUESTION
i really am not a negative person though there is alot of negativity around me. in fact i think i am the only positive person in my surroundings. alot depends on me sticking around... if you'd like think of it as though i have no other option. or worse i either stay or die....
i cant get out of the house (i am not here to discuss why i am not allowed) and i accept that, (its just for summer when i am back to my college) but i've gained 16 pounds in less than 2 months. i am rotting really. i never go out i sleep in the morning and wake up at night... i mean i go to bed at 11 am or 12 and then get up at 10pm.... mostly to avoid the people around me.... at first it was fine. i wasn't allowed to get out see my friends or talk on the phone for more than an hour per week or 2 week i was holding on. as long as i had things to do at home i was fine.. read, tv, draw, paint, design.... i am fine. i am a smoker. for many years, to add... and they do help more than they damage in my case...i don't harm anyone around me, i avoid having people wen i light.
where i am now, i am not allowed to watch people smoking on tv let alone come near 1. i believe i'm free in spirit. thats how i'd like to think of things. so at first i was fine and i was enduring. thot what will come is worth the wait. now as things begin t crumble and i begin to notice shifts that will not allow me my collegiate escape. i am beginning to panic and a feeling of being a hostage has started to seep into me. not a hostage of people. a hostage of circumstances... i'm in the wrong place in the wrong time with the wrong people. a lot depends on me sticking around tho. not that i am the bread bringer or that i play a key role. i am just there... trust me i've weighed it more than once. sticking around and waiting for a chance is my only way. a lot of you may not understand what i am saying, and perhaps those who do will see it from their own spectacles and never really comprehend what i am trying to explain. after all we are all islands... but this is as much information as i can disclose. even if i could i wouldn't know how to phrase it.... i don't know what to do. when i was perhaps 9 or so something similar happened except i never had an escape as i do now going to university. (I CANT STAND THAT THOT OF THAT BEING TAKEN AWAY FROM ME!!!) the way the situation was contained (because i wouldn't be writing this if it were solved) i blasted into tears one night and i couldn't stop and then i entered a suicidal mood and i tried to swallow a hole bottle of pills which i've been stashing. my outburst made people run in beat me and they tied me down to take it. it was the first time they had seen me act that way. before that i was really a normal child. i use to be negative tho.. in the inside . but was great at concealing my thoughts. no one ever knew.. when i became "overly" positive after freshman -college- year they freaked out and they thought something was xtremely wrong. or that i was hiing something.....3 years in... i am still being watched under the microscope....
i am afraid my life will always be this way. these people will always be around me to limit my life. i dont knw what i can and cannot stomach because of them. i dont know my capacity an limitation.. i am not sure of my skills , social they are, or relating to the work feild. i know i can get to where i want to go. it's not even a matter of financial support. its literally physical limitations.
i am not asking for ways to break it because that is impossible. what i want to know is that is there hope for me to catch up with the experiences i have missed? or will i always have to remain in this average shell one step behind of those who fulfilled their greater purpose? and once that shell cracks, should i fall back to what is beneath average?!
it is only when that shell breaks that i well be able to do what i want to do. but will it be late?! and how can i stand when when its gone? i really do not knw my way in this world from being "protected" from it... if i did not learn what i was supposed to learn when i was younger, will i be able to continue???
i am both numb, and sensitive....
i am not sure what i am right now. or how i am.
confused as remnants dung.
--docilebohemia
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Dear person in Docile Bohemia,
I think I understand how you feel. You don't say if you are with your parents, or guardians, or whatever, but I do know what kind of "hold" the adults who (are supposed) to care for us can impose. When I was younger than you, in high school, I too was the only happy person in my family. I was bound to them by their miserableness. Almost every member of my family had tried to kill themselves. My father never did, but he worked out of state, he was never there, and didn't have to deal with it. I was left to deal with it. It was not responsbility to make sure that the other members of my family were safe, happy, content, etc. (an impossible task.) But that was what was expected of me. They still think their unhappiness is caused by outside forces. they never look inward.
Well I did leave home at 18, and never went back, (actually ran away before that, but returned then left legally at 18) It took me a long time to find my true self and to be positive. Oh I was happy, certainly not depressed, but I felt I was always on the outside looking in. I let their negativity follow me for years and years. I made a lot of mistakes that I would have been happy to avoid, but I didn't have the 'social tools' that I needed to protect myself from people who only wanted to use me. See I was used to that, because that is what my family was doing, using me.
I think it is good that you are asking these questions, of yourself, of us here at advicenators, and of the universe. I didn't even know enough to ask them. I just let things happen and wondered why bad things always happened to me. It wasn't until I had kids of my own, at 32 and 36, that I knew I didn't want them to grow up with the same feelings of inadequacy and low self esteem that I had. I learned that I had to love myself before I could show them and teach them about self love and self respect. It was hard but I am so glad that I did it.
You can too. I am glad that you are in college, because that means you will have access to income that can get you out of there. And if I were you I would move as far away as possible. So that all they get from you is a phone call once a month or so, and maybe a visit every other holiday season. Because if they don't change, they will always try to control you.
Anyway, I can suggest some reading that really helped me alot, because I couldn't afford therapy.
Toxic Parents by Dr. Susan Forward
Co-Dependent No More by Marilyn Beatty (beattie ?) May not even be Marilyn, not sure)
Any book by Dr. Laura Schlessinger. A new one that is out that will just cut to the chase for you is Bad Childhood Good Life.
These books will help to explain to you the dynamics of family life, when those same dynamics are a deterrent to growing up happy and healthy, and how to avoid the same mistakes that I made. I think you will find them very informative.
Hopefully you do like to read, and reading will h elp the time pass between now and when college starts again. Hang in there. You will be in control some day. Find out all you need so that you don't turn out like they did. (it is very possible you know, As much as we hate our parents growing up, too many of us find ourselves acting just like them and sometimes we don't even know it.)
Good luck to you dear. If you want more support, you can put a private question in my in box.
Michele
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