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Boyfriend
Okay Michele,
Let me start by saying I am straight lol. Anyway, I am a shy and outgoing person all at once. And I was always picturing myself with the cutest boy in the class. You know, tipical crush stuff =]. And I have been afraid to have a boyfriend. I don't know why. I mean, I want one, but I don't. It's confusing I know. My friends are single too. Am I afraid to ask a boy out because I'm around people that are single? If not, what's wrong lol. I have mixed feelings about boyfriend/girlfriend stuff. What should I do? I mean, I think it's because either about the break-up, the kiss, or other bf/gf stuff...What's wrong here?
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Hi honey, thanks for leaving a question in my in box.
Wow, all the things you mention that you are concerned about are potentials for problems with boys. Kissing, break-up, and let me add more, jealousy, having less time for your friends, and changing yourself to please him. (And this is the short list) I don't blame you for being nervous about all the bf/gf stuff. It can get complicated. Perhaps you have some friends or have seen some of the kids in school who were loving couples one week, and hated each other the next.
Let me start at the beginning.
Boys are different than girls. See like you picture yourself "with" the cutes guy, etc, etc.
The cutest guy in school pictures himself with a new chick every week. Why because he can. Because girls will be flirting with him constantly and everything. Of course this can happen at any age. Women are so much more forward than they used to be. There was a time when someone's boyfriend was off limits, but it doesn't seem to be that way anymore.
I guess what I am trying to say is....
that it is normal to be nervous about this stuff, and it is also OK to WAIT. You don't have to have a boyfriend now. Every young person I know, after they first got involved with someone and believed they were in love, all say, that it made their lives more complicated. Even the ones who are still together. BEcause now you always have to consider someone else's feelings before you make a decision. Like this:
Gee, if I go out with my bff this saturday to her folks summer home, my bf will be mad at me.
OR
If I let my bf go out with his friend who is visiting from out of state, (and only comes once a year) is he going to flirt with other girls when I am not around.
See, it gets complicated.
I am in no way saying that you should avoid boys altogether. But here is a little secret. In all relationships. Someone loves "more" than the other. One person, male or female is just a little more in love than their partner. Just be sure that your boyfriend (whoever that turns out to be) is the one who loves more in the relationship.
Now don't get me wrong, that doesn't mean that you should take advantage of him. You both deserve respect and to be treated fairly. And actually, maybe love is not the right word, maybe "needy" is a little closer. Perhaps a combination of both. Because if he loves you more and he is a little needy, or at least SURE that he doesn't want to loose you, then he will behave. If you know you can be trusted, because you have values and morals, that's great.
BOys don't think about values and morals where pretty girls are concerned. They think with the head in their pants. (sorry) But as boys get older and mature and become young men, they learn to behave better and usually can be trusted more.
YOu say that you are shy and out going all at once. That is normal. and that is great. But if you get involved with boys now, before you are ready, and get your heart broken, you can end up more shy and less out going. I does hurt honey. If you have read some of the questions girls leave her on this website. Some of them are very very upset and to young to see that some young 14 year old boy, who was only thinking of himself, is not worth fretting about. But their hurt and believe that they were in love and think that they dont want to live with out that person. 20 years from now he will be a faded memory, but they can't see that yet. And the reason is because is does hurt.
SO I guess my advice is that your concern is your gut trying to tell you that you are not ready. And I am not saying that you have to wait years and years. (though some of us wish we had)
You can count by months if you like. At your age you are growing fast, emotionally I mean. And you can learn by observing other people, couples, boys, and from other people's mistakes.
I am not going to say that gee, when the right boy comes along you will know it. Because too many boys want to be right "for the moment" and not for a long term relationship. But they are never clear on that. They can fool you because young boys are naturally selfish. They are supposed to be that way. Some stay that way even when they are grown men. (AVOID THEM) but many of them will mature into nice young men that will make good husbands and fathers.
Let me say this about "the cutest boy in the school". As long as we think of a boyfriend or girlfriend as a status symbol....we will never be happy. You want to be in a long term relationship with a person not a status symbol. You want to be in a long term relationship with a person who respects your feelings, cherishes you, is pleasant company, slow to anger, non-violent, and responsible and relaible and trust worthy. And as it turns out, that person is not often the 'cutest' boy in the school.
I hope I helped honey, I was very honest with you, and you understand that my advice is based on years of experience.(this boy/girl stuff doesn't change, even when you get older.) Good luck to you
Michele
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