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humorist-workshop
help pls (pt 4)
Hi Yumiko,
Actually when I brought up the whole "gay scenerio" he was like umm noo.. I would never want to do a guy.. then I bursted out and said u know.. Ive always wanted that..a guy with a guy.. and he said are u serious? I said yah y not.. he got totally grossed out with that answer and then started talking to me differently afterwards. and after I apologized I started to change the subject but he was already annoyed with what I said so whatever I was gonna say afterwards it had no effect to him and made it worse, so he hung up on me and decided to call it quits... my concern is this.. knowing that he finally accepted my appologies but has it in the back of his head, means he still thinks about it.. Im more worried how that is going to effect us in the long-run. He's already distant now.. and wants us to go slow which I think is fcukin rediculous especially when he is soo distant(cities away). Do you suggest that I just leave him alone and wait for him to make the next move or something else?
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It does sound like he did take it as a request on your part, though I still realize you were both joking around at the time. He thinks that you want that from him, and that things are going to get messy because he can't do that.
Does it bother you that you'd never get to see him with another guy? Would you ask him repeatedly to do it, or feel unfulfilled if he didn't? I don't think that's the case; I think you were misread.
So, the facts are as follows:
* You guys were joking around.
* You brought up a subject that doesn't appeal to him.
* He thought that you would want him to do it.
* He felt pressured and uncomfortable, so he cut you off.
* Now, he seems more distant, but has said you can stay together if you just move slowly.
I think he's being cautious because he's not sure what you might ask him to do, he's not sure what he's getting into.
That, and maybe he's kind of a slow mover, anyway -- I really enjoy dragging the whole thing out, taking my time. Distance doesn't really change someone's natural pace, or fears and insecurities, but in this case, it is *worrying you* now; it sounds like you think he'll just completely move on.
So, I'd suggest that you remind him that you were playing a game, it wasn't necessarily a request, and you like him enough to want to be around him no matter what fantasies he can or can't fulfill for you.
In fact, if you want, let him know that you didn't know what to do and asked a friend about it, then paste this to him:
Hey, I know a game of 20-questions went wrong the other day, and now you're not sure what she wants from you. It sounds like you're being cautious because you don't want to get stuck in a situation where somebody will ask you for things you're not OK with. She's worried now that she made one slip-up and that you're just going to move on. I told her you might just like moving slow, but she's pretty sure that she offended you. Please let that one slide. She maybe got a bit carried away in the game, and revealed one of her fantasies -- she doesn't need you to DO it, force usually ruins the mood -- but she does need acceptance, because it's very personal to her. And she needs to know where things stand, or else she'll worry.
Ask him, really:
Why do you want to go slow? Is it because you like going slow, or is it because I made you uncomfortable?
Do you think I was trying to get you to do something you wouldn't like? I wouldn't do that. I just wanted to tell you something I think about sometimes.
I like you. I like talking to you, I like joking around with you, and I'm afraid that if we're going TOO slow, I won't get those things. Do you want to just back off now, because of what happened? Do you just feel like being careful? Or do you just like going slow?
Then, if you're under 18, look up some good shounen-ai -- "boy love" genre comics, they're not hard-core but they are pretty, and often romantic -- and if you are 18+, look up "yaoi," which is more hardcore boy-on-boy porn.
Let him know that you'll keep fantasizing, but you won't try to force anything on him. Then, go from there -- if things work out, great!
If he disapproves of you, it's probably not a good relationship. If he wants to go slow, and you're not getting what you need because of it, it's probably not a good relationship.
But if you guys can strike a common balance that works for both of you -- you're still getting the fun connection you want, he understands what you want from him and he's ok with that stuff, and you're going at a speed you're both comfortable with, it's all good.
But just ... once you've talked it over, drop the gay thing with him, no matter what. It's not fun for him, and it stresses the relationship. Ask him to drop it, too -- it's not important, it has no bearing on what you want him to do.
If you're still scared about what to say, feel free to show him this conversation; sometimes that makes it easier. :)
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